![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 43 to 67 of 76. Go back in thread:
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
In reply to Re: Neurontin, Take me away! » antigua, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 18:55:05
This is such a tough issue. I am in the same boat as the other people here who are trying to deal with abuse issues in therapy- all kinds, really- physical, sexual and maternal neglect. I really know what you are saying: we all seem to have a high level of emotional distress, but it is not directly connected to the actual abuse incidents. I also tend to recount these (to the extent that i know them) in an emotionless manner. I wonder, myself, where is the fear, anger and outrage which should be associated with these terrible things?
One approach which my analyst takes is to consider that the little girl who underwent these things is much more dissociated from the grown-up me than I ever realized. At the moment, we are working to establishing basic safety on the little girl's part. This involves a lot of fantasy, wishes and hopes which he has encouraged the little girl inside me to express. They are such simple little things; for example, today I fantasied that the little girl said to him (the analyst) that she did not want him to observe her when she changed into her shorts. He replied, "of course not. I want her to know I would never do anything to hurt her." I think the plan is to utilize fantasies like this to have "her" feel safe enough to eventually re-experience things more fully without becoming overwhelmed- or emotionally blank.
I think that I like this approach, as it may offer a way to get to the traumas in such a way that they aren't sealed off emotionally any more. Once I can get more in touch with them, I hope I'll be able to start really healing from them. Instead of talking about my actual parents, almost every session involves talking about what I am feeling, moment to moment, about my therapist- ALL the feelings are focussed on him. I notice that he helps me identify the feelings, but never says, "this is like what you felt towards your father". He just accepts them. I think he is functioning as a stand-in for the parents, but one who can offer a much more positive , safe relationship.
Does this seem anything like what the rest of you are experiencing in therapy?
Pfinstegg
Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 20:38:47
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
This is an interesting approach and I can see how it would promote safety. We've done a little of that -- more like, what were you hoping for kinds of questions. But then again, I tend to blurt and then with-draw...and then blurt more later.
I think my Therapist is really working on getting me to see how "wounded" I am (his word). I tend to minimize things, from then, and now. I want to "understand it." Intellectualize it all away. He does actually draw references from something I'll tell him back to the past..."like your mom did" or whatever. It helps to connect the dots in a way.
He does focus on our relationship alot. When I talk about how someone made me feel, he'll bring it back to himself. But when I am "in it", talking about the trauma, he usually just lets me talk, or not, and then will reframe things for me. Which has help enormously, especially with the guilt.
It is really hard, so I'm glad you like who you are working with and how it is going. I don't think you can do this without someone who individualizes it for you. How often do you go?
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:57:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 20:38:47
It sounds as if what your therapist is doing is quite similiar. Yours refers to "hopes" and mine says "wishes and desires". From what you have said, it sounds as though you are more in touch with the emotional aspects of the trauma than I am at this point- that's wonderful!
I go twice a week, but, beecause he is a psychoanalyst, I usually lie down on the couch. This partly explains the very regressive nature of some of our interactions!
Pfinstegg
Posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 21:50:12
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » DaisyM, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:57:42
I can't imagine lying down, no matter how safe I might feel, this would trigger too many things.
I describe it as watching a movie and narrating. The mortification, fear, pain, etc. are partially me as the adult watching it unfold. I'm not sure I remember how I felt at the time, except I was afraid and very aware of the consequences of someone finding out. This all happened more than 30 years ago...I have no idea why it is forcing itself out now, I just know it is. My Therapist thinks it is all the stress I currently deal with plus my own child had a difficult time last year (not abuse, anxiety) and his therapy triggered a great deal of this for me. It isn't that I didn't "know" it happened...I've just always been able to supress thinking about it. I thought I could just ignore it. Hmmm...
The first time I told my Therapist, I went home and threw up. Now I just implode and turn into a little kid again. He is really good about offering a ton of phone support and/or extra sessions, even if I don't "want" them...I'm usually glad I've had them. He is also good at leaving it alone when we have other stuff to deal with. But it certainly complicates the present by contaminating it.
*sigh* *really big sigh*
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 22:28:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by DaisyM on January 7, 2004, at 21:50:12
What you are doing in your therapy sounds very promising and encouraging, even though it probably doesn't feel that way. I think the truth is these traumas affect us severely, our entire lives, even though we look like we are doing well, and feel that it's much safer, or even just preferable for our lives, not to think about them. I feel certain that once I have worked my feelings through, as much as I am able, I will feel much happier and more whole than I do now. It's just so slow and hard!
It sounds as though you've got a wonderful therapist who's committed to you and your treatment, and who is available for extra support when needed- that's so great to have- and, as we can see here, not everyone is that lucky. I feel I have an excellent one, also- very warm, caring and supportive, but also someone who expects me to work hard and do my very best. By the way, the couch was so scary at first that I wouldn't go near it, but as my trust in him grew, I began to use it and realize that it can give you greater freedom to speak, feel and think. I often sit up, too- just whatever I prefer.
Pfinstegg
Posted by naiad on January 8, 2004, at 8:15:14
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
"think that I like this approach, as it may offer a way to get to the traumas in such a way that they aren't sealed off emotionally any more. Once I can get more in touch with them, I hope I'll be able to start really healing from them. Instead of talking about my actual parents, almost every session involves talking about what I am feeling, moment to moment, about my therapist- ALL the feelings are focussed on him. I notice that he helps me identify the feelings, but never says, "this is like what you felt towards your father". He just accepts them. I think he is functioning as a stand-in for the parents, but one who can offer a much more positive , safe relationship."
Phinstegg,
You phrased the interaction between you and you therpaist really well. YES, it is almost exactly what I am experiencing. I went through a period of being angry at my therapist when I thought he was being cold and critical (like my mother). He has been angry with me, too, for manipulating. So instead of talking about my parents all the time, we are acting out some of the conflicts. At least I think that's whats happening. At times it is clear and others it is quite fuzzy.
I shared a dream about rape with him recently. His ears really perked up. He didn't press for too many details (except, could I visulaize the rapist?) but for the first time ever he took notes.
Thanks for your thoughtful and thought provoking post.
Posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 10:32:30
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by naiad on January 8, 2004, at 8:15:14
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I'm not used to sharing mine about the abuse so this is very hard for me. But I do know that it helps sometimes.
My therapist is a little different than what I've read from others. I have been seeing her for about 13 years and as I mentioned in other posts I didn't start to explore the fact that I was sexually abused until after my father died 12 years ago.
It has been a really slow process. I do not have transference issues w/my therapist very often anymore (maybe I did at an earlier time but we seem to have worked through it)but I am aware that when I am upset w/her, it's usually about me and not her. This past summer she stood up and fought for me w/my CBT therapist (who pushed me over the edge and almost off the planet) just like a good mother. She taught me that she cares and that I'm worth fighting for, even though my own mother couldn't seem to have cared less. She is definitely the good mother. I can call her when I want and I actually know a great deal about her own life--maybe it's because it has been so long. I don't think we have strict boundaries, or if we do I've never remotely crossed them (I'm a coward, of course). Now, if she were to leave me, that would be awful.
My transference issues come up w/male authority figures. It's not exactly falling in love, but close because of the love I felt for my father as a child. I now recognize that this happens and I try to avoid these situations (not always possible of course!).
I trust my therapist absolutely and she has worked hard to gain my trust. Sometimes I think we move too slowly, but she always tells me that I am the one setting the pace, that we only proceed as my mind/feelings allow. In an emergency, I can see her whenever, but I usually see her once a week. We discussed more frequent visits, but she firmly believes that I need the week to process what we bring up. I think that works best for me. She "let" me begin EMDR several months ago because I was in such agony over being stuck and not remembering. It works out really well. I have EMDR on Tuesday and see her on Wednesday to go over what has come up. While the two therapists have somewhat different approaches there are great benefits to both. I have come a long way in the last several months because of this dual therapy. Primarily because the EMDR puts me in touch w/the feelings and I am much less unemotional when I recount what happened. This week my senses came into play--in addition to remembering, I also could smell and taste the memories (very yucky). This was instead of diassociating and flying up to the top of the ceiling and watching from above. But I've never completely broken down and let go, I am simply not able. I've cried, of course, but I'm holding on to all of this so tightly. I wish I could let it go.
I never knew I disassociated from the trauma; I just thought my behavior was normal. But I now see that when it got to be too much, I just pulled away. I thought I was over the shame and the guilt, but my T has convinced me that both of these things are preventing me from reaching the fear and the anger underneath. Don't get me wrong, I am angry at my father but I don't really feel it.
Good luck everyone.
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
In reply to talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 7, 2004, at 20:21:59
Hello Pfinstegg. I had a reply for you but my computer froze up. I just couldn't do it all over again the same day. I'm sure you understand.
I'm glad you're posting again. I read that you're working hard in therapy. Take your time and go at a rate that feels comfortable for you (both here and there!).. And if you need support, we're always here for you, promise :) We're like Cheers, everybody knows your name and we're always glad you came!I understand what you are saying about the high levels of emotional distress. I've always been especially sensitive to stress. Granted, I perform better under pressure but when I get to a certain point, I just can't handle it anymore. And what's funny is that I've had some pretty irrational fears since I can remember. I've always been terribly frightened to close my eyes in the shower (I can only wash my face with one eye closed at a time), and when I go to sleep at night if my bedroom door is ajar I just keep staring at it. I don't feel safe unless it is closed completely. Now that I recognize what has happened to me, I am able to close my eyes in the shower, with a small amount of fear, but I force myself to keep my eyes closed just a bit longer and I KNOW that no one is there when I open them. Also, I still continue to leave my bedroom door open. I still have the fear, but it is going away. Before I understood why, I honestly thought I was a CHICKEN (cluck cluck cluck) or delusional. And when I am depressed or highly anxious, these fears were worse and my doctor thought I was delusional. It makes sense now. I still am in the habit of watching doorways, I still watch windows, afraid that he's coming to get me. But it isn't nearly as bad as it was. And I'm coping. But, when I have a nightmare and my anxiety level goes up, the fear comes back and I'm just this scared little girl all over again. BUT I refuse to tell my therapist. And I don't know why. Maybe he won't believe me? Maybe I want to do it all on my own? Maybe he'll put me back in the hospital? Maybe I'm scared I'll need him? It's just that I've odne it all on my own this long, why should I need someone to help me all of the sudden now? And it is his fault that all of this is coming up. Sorry, I feel like I'm turning this thread into "All about Karen" I'm just kinda feeling lost agian. Seems the anxiety is hitting me. I need to start thinking about the dream. But I don't understand. The dream is about forgiving my father, but how can I forgive him if I honestly don't feel ANYTHING about it.... Can someone help me here?????? Please....
Posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 15:57:45
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
Karen_kay,
As to your dream, my T told me that I was trying to skip right over being angry at my father and move on to forgiving him. I thought that was reasonable, but she told me I couldn't forgive until I got angry. I don't know who's right.I know what you mean about the door. For me, it's sound. Everything has to be really quiet so I can hear him coming. For years I've whined and complained about the sound our room airconditioner makes. One day I realized I didn't like the sound because it meant I couldn't hear if anyone was coming into my room. I used my kids as the excuse, but I now know it was (and is) a safety issue for me.
Hang in there, you are doing great. You are so great for doing this while you are young!!
antigua
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 16:32:42
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by antigua on January 8, 2004, at 15:57:45
When I vacuum, I have to stand with my back to the wall. And I constantly keep watching everywhere. Usually I'm ok since I've identified why I do it. But, I noticed last night it was bad.... Really bad... I saw my reflection in the door window and I screamed... I'm keeping all of my lights on in my house... I hate feeling like this... I used to think that I was afraid of ghosts or a demon was coming to get me. Now I realize exactly what it was that was coming to get me and since then I haven't been scared like this. I just DON'T get it... And usually when I get this way and the anxiety level is this high I start to hallucinate...I'm just really scared right now...I've had to deal with being terrified like this long enough and actually thinking that I was crazy and when I honestly think that I have a chance to start over and that this feeling is gone, it begins again.....I don't understand why.. I really don't. I just think maybe I'm a horrible preson or something and I deserve this. I know that's not true but man, it's crap that I have to start feeling like this again. Real crap! I guess maybe it's a sign tht *something's* coming?? Holding on to my pants... It's going to be a bumpy ride. I like rollercoasters and all, but I'm getting tired of this one!!! :(
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 18:10:32
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 15:29:05
Thanks, Karen! I really appreciate your helpful and supportive message- even when I don't post, I always read, and get a lot of support and strength for the huge challenges of facing these things in therapy. I didn't post for a while because the stuff we were dealing with just seemed so embarrassing and shameful; but, once I got through some of it I felt better. The thing is- there is so much, and it just seems endless, doesn't it? I guess we'd all love to get it over and done with quickly, and it just won't work that way!
It seemed to me as though your mood made a sudden change about half-way through your post. You began by telling about the fears of someone coming- when you were in the shower, etc., and how it felt somewhat less frightening now that you knew what the reason was. But then, as you continued, it seemed that your fear-about the dream of forgiveness?-or other images of someone coming in? got greater. I don't know if I understood you correctly, but that is what it seemed like. I mention it because it is just what I do- going very quickly from feeling that I can manage my feelings to feeling that they are overwhelming me. From my analyst's viewpoint, I've suddenly dissociated, switching in an instant from the adult me to the child, who is naturally extremely fearful, helpless and unable to cope. I wasn't even aware that this was happening, but am now at least suspicious of it when I have a sudden mood change in a negative direction. This may not apply to you at all, but I just thought I'd mention it.
My hope- for you and me and all of us- is that we'll all gradually have more and more of the calm, understanding reactions, and less of the overwheming emotional flooding. I get the feeling that everyone here feels that they've made progress towards this, but that there are still a lot of un-mastered areas for everyone. Don't you think it has a huge amount to do with having a safe relationship with your therapist, which we are gradually internalizing in the place of the original traumatizing one? A slow process, but so worth it.
Thanks so much for you encouragement and good wishes- I wish just the same for you, and I think it's especially smart and wonderful that you are doing this while you are still so young. It will make such a positive difference on the rest of your life.
Pfinstegg
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 19:11:37
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 18:10:32
I have to agree with what you said. I think that just thinking about the dream and forgiveness causes my anxiety (in the form of fear) to skyrocket! And I almost retreat back to that scared little girl. But, I'm a *very* rational person and just don't want to beieve this psycho-babble mumbo jumbo (and please don't be offended by this, because I KNOW for a fact it's true that threrapy works I just wish that I didn't need it :(. I just want to subscribe to the notion of "Suck it up and go on with your life" you know? I'm not a little girl, I'm an adult. But, I know that this won't work. It worked for a while, but it just isn't working anymore.
And it just isn't fair that we're the ones left feeling ashamed. I keep telling my therapist that this is hard to talk about because I feel ashamed and dirty. And I know that he's trying to correct my thinking by telling me that I didn't do anything wrong, but one time he asked me why I didn't leave. And it just made me feel worse. Like I don't ask myself that anyway.
I am really continually questioning my relationship with my therapist. Maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind to do so. Maybe it is the perfect time. I think I'll start a new post and get some input from other posters. It's just that I really don't trust him a lot of the time, but I KNOW I have a real problem trusting people anyway. I have put in almost a year with him, so I don't want to give that up. And I'll talk with him and see what he says, but when I've talked in the past (not seriously though) he's always just said "Well, that's your decision." I'm just really not feeling well right now. I'm really feeling lost and scared and confused. It'd be nice if I had a good therapist to talk to right now.....
I too wish everyone here the best.... It's nice to have people to reach out to. And I'm glad that you're feeling well enough to post again. I'm happy that your therapy is going well (of sorts). It's hard. A lot more than I ever bargained for! I thought I was looking at a month or two for anxiety.
It's a slow process. Wish I had a magic wand to wave over your head, everyone else as well, and make everyone "all better." Guess we'll have to take our chances with therapy?
Posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 21:58:01
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 19:11:37
I do feel strongly that a good "fit" with our therapists is very important. If you know, at heart, that the fit is right, it's so much easier to weather the negative transferences, like doubting whether they like or understand us. I had a therapist who was not helpful before the one I have now, and when I made a change, I "shopped" for the right one. That meant going to interview four of them. It was stressful, telling the same painful story to all of them, but I knew right away when I found the right one- he was warm, humorous, smart and and had a way of getting to the heart of things without seeming intrusive. I sort of felt "at home" right away, and this has seen me through all kinds of tough tranference times. Also, he had been in practice for 30 years, and so was very experienced and professional.
You mentioned that you are going to need to make a change after a little more than a year. It sounds like you have definitely gotten some benefit from the one you have presently, even though it's a little rough right now. I bet you can make more gains over the next year- then you, too, can go "shopping"!
Pfinstegg
Posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 23:13:04
In reply to Re: talking about traumas in therapy.. » Karen_kay, posted by Pfinstegg on January 8, 2004, at 21:58:01
Thank you :) You're right.... He's new at this and so am I. So, he makes some mistakes every once in a while. I guess I can't say I'm the perfect client, though I am pretty close :) It's strange though, I notice that when I open this particular thread I just shake.... I know where my anxiety is coming from and I need to face it.. I think I'll keep him around for a while, even if he makes a few mistakes every now and again! He is the right fit... I know it. Thanks for showing me....
Yours truly :)
Karen
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 0:25:29
In reply to To the always insightful » Pfinstegg, posted by Karen_kay on January 8, 2004, at 23:13:04
<<<It's strange though, I notice that when I open this particular thread I just shake.... I know where my anxiety is coming from and I need to face it..
Karen,
I'm sorry this thread upsets you. I keep forgetting that we should mark things as possible triggers...You are doing great. I love the way you cheer everyone else on.
Holding you in my thoughts tonight.
-D
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 12:22:52
In reply to Re: To the always insightful » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 0:25:29
I kind of like having that up there... It makes the person that the post is directed to feel really good and insightful :)
Anyway, I think it is a good step that I keep returning to this post, even if I don't like it. At least I'm acknowledging things that I'm so apt to avoid. And it isn't that I'm constantly rereading this post. I'm going slow, so I'm ok. I think I'm doing it right? I just wish I had a live-in therapist who told me every single step to take and thought to think. "Now Karen, do your homework. It's ok to relax. Now, you have to think aobut the hard stuff. Now, you really shouldn't smoke, ect.." I need guidance!!!! Frustration is what I feel today!
Also, I had a nightmare last night, but it was about my therapist. And I have the overwhelming urge to call him. Just to ask if he's ok. But, I don't want to bug him. I was in a session with him and he started talking about my wine vineyard, so I looked to the left (which I do when he says something wrong). Then he continued to talk about all kinds of different things that I had no clue about but I can't remember what they are, just strange things. Finally I asked, "Are you OK?" and he started crying. I rushed to his feet and he fell to the ground and I held him while he cried and he told me he was dying.
What a horrible dream... Why do I keep dreaming about people crying? I want to call him and ask if he's ok, but I'm sure he is, right?? Please tell me he's ok...
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 14:26:49
In reply to Re: To the always insightful » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 12:22:52
Yuck...bad dreams are the worst! I'm sure he is fine.
What do you make of the dream? It sounds like images of you and then your dad, all entwined. Also, didn't he recently tell you he might start crying? And you weren't sure you could handle that? I have no idea where the vineyard comes in.
I'm glad you can be Ok with this thread. I know it is hard, but at least you know you aren't alone. Which is really important.
When does school start again? Will it interfere with your therapy? Have you thought about going more?
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 15:03:44
In reply to Re: To the always insightful » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 14:26:49
I've been thinking quite a bit about the dream... This is what I've come up with...
*My fear that he's going away or leaving me, as well as trust issues (Him dying and not telling me sooner. For some reason I seem to think, though I don't recall for *certain* something about a brain tumor from the dream.)
*Also the fact that I don't always trust him or his approach and I'm a bit skeptical (Mistakes he's made in the past, which were reflected in this dream by him talking about things that didn't pertain to me.)
*My wish to be closer to him, yet pretending I don't and fearing that closeness, emotional, yet portrayed as physical closeness in the dream. Also, I'm not quite sure how to feel things during the session and often project my feelings of aloofness and unsupportiveness onto him.
And I know that it is similar in a lot of ways to the dream I had about my father, which also ended with him crying and me holding him. But, I'm still not ready to think about that.
I actually called him because I know that if I didn't I wouldn't be able to keep it together this weekend and classes start on Monday. He offered me a 4:00 appointment, but I declined. He assured me that he's fine, feeling a bit frustrated since a meeting was canceled, but healthy.
Now, for my *logical* explanation:
Maybe the dying thing came into play because he's had a cough? The vineyard is because the town I used to live in has a vineyard with my last name. I think the crying is a mixture of him saying he might cry during a session and the fact that during the last session I thought he was going to cry because I told him he really hurt my feelings by not returning my phone call. And the hug could be because of the post I responded to regarding the person who asked for a hug and was declined. See, I can think of a logical explanation for everything as well!!And, I wouldn't be against seeing him more often, he just hasn't offered. And I certainly wouldn't want him to think that I need him. That I'm actually working at this. Funny, he asked me on the phone, "Now, when you come in on Wednesday, are you going to tell me what you really think it means?" Apparently he does know me!! Those things I typed up there I would never actually think to tell him! I just don't like it when people know that I need them. I'm actually surprised I called him. He was too! I think that's why he offered me the appointment. And I think if I would have taken it, it would have been good. But, I don't have makeup on right now. And that's a time consuming process. Oh, to be me. I swear, sometimes I just hate it! :(
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 19:03:10
In reply to Re: To the always insightful » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 15:03:44
Wow - good for you for calling. Seems like another big step for you (says she who hates to call also but is learning to make herself!).
You should have taken the appointment, especially with school starting Monday. However, I would not have gone without makeup either!I think you did a great job looking at your dream. My bet is the first set of thoughts are more accurate than the second. So tell him when you see him about both. It is interesting how the mind works to seperate things.
I can see in your other posts that you've decided your negative feelings about him are your projections. Have you told him this? If so, what does he think?
I basically said something to mine yesterday like, "I don't want to deal with all of this, I can't imagine why you would." He said, "that statement is a direct reflection from how you felt as a child, and you are projecting those feelings on to me." I haven't really thought about projection much before, but maybe...
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 20:10:03
In reply to Re: To the Dreamweaver » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 19:03:10
I think I'm getting accustomed to this whole dream thing. I used to be good at figuring out dreams, or so I thought. Now look at me. I've been reading a lot and I know that I'm really just afraid to tell him that I need him. I'm afraid to tell myself at this point. I know that I don't need him to get through the day or anything like that but I'm just been so used to ONLY being able to depend on myself at this point and I know that now I really need his guidance to help me figure things out.
And the whole projection thing, I've mentioned it several times. During sessions Ill say, "You seem hostile today," and he'll just sit there for a second and let me think about it and I'll say, "Ok, I know I'm just projecting my feelings onto you."
But, I don't realize that I've been doing it to this extent. That me seeing him as unsupportive is really just because of the fact that I'm unemotional during the session. I want to being emotions into the session, I really do.
It was sweet. On the phone he mentioned he was frustrated and that his day would be better if he had a client like me today :) See, he is a really good therapist. He knows when to say the right things. And how to make everything better. I'm not as anxious today, especially since I talked to him and KNOW that he is ok. And I don't feel that "fear" like I did yesterday, which is good. Maybe it's because I did talk to him today and he made me feel better, put my mind at ease???
I know that I need to think about the dream about my father and forgiving him, but don't I first need to "feel" something about what happened before I can actually forgive him? I think maybe that is what that dream is telling me as well. That it is time for me to start feeling something. Anger, rage, frustration, hurt ANYTHING...It's time to stop denying and start healing! I'm on my way babe!Feeling good and ready to move on,
Karen(Ah, the power of dreams, baby!)
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 21:22:25
In reply to Dreamweaver get me through.. » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 20:10:03
I could use a little less dreaming these days.
I think you have to keep remembering that there is no right or wrong way to feel or not...you don't have to do any or all of the emotions. You just have to let things happen.
I've decided that my feelings "found" me...not the other way around. It was this that forced to begin to sort all this out.
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 21:46:13
In reply to Re: Dreamweaver get me through.. » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 21:22:25
Oh, I understand. I won't force anything at all! I just think that this means I'm finally ready to start feeling the things I should. I was watching CMT Crossroads with Dave Matthews and Emmy Lou Harris and they played Long Black Veil and I've heard this song numerous (easily 100) times, but this time I really listened and I swear I thought I was going to cry. The song just touched me! I've always thought it was great, but this time was different. I actually felt the song. Maybe I'm just dumb, I kinda feel that way. (NOT REALLY) But, I felt a song! Like FELT it!!! I HAVE FEELINGS!!! I'M HUMAN!! YES!!! I'm happy now!
And I keep telling my boyfriend how much I love him, which is odd for me. I just appreciate him today. I don't know, I just feel different. But in a good way.
Don't worry, I won't rush anything. I'm in no hurry!
I'm sorry that your dreams aren't so good. But maybe you could use them to learn. That's what I'm doing. Are you talking about them with your therapist?
Are you doing ok hun? I'm sorry I've been so self-involved lately. I'm coming out of it. Lay it on me, how are you? If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Promise.Here's to dreams about kittens, puppies and oatmeal cookies!
Posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 23:36:55
In reply to Re: Dreamweaver get me through.. » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 21:46:13
You are not being self-absorbed...you have been struggling and that is ok. Thanks for the offer to listen...I wish I knew what to say or ask to feel better. I think I am in just in a really hard place -- plus my birthday is coming up next week which is a reflective time for me. I've told you my Therapist is offering (actually nicely insisting) on extra sessions the next few weeks. I think all of this is hard on him, some times I worry it is too much for him.
I asked him if he thought this was the worst it would get -- I mean once you start to unravel stuff eventually you have to be done with it, right? -- Unfortunately he told me his crystal ball is in the shop with his magic wand. :(
I was surprised at how hard today was (no sessions, no phone calls, just an ordinary day) and I wish I knew why. It makes no sense that one day is harder than another without a specific reason. Of course, I think most of this makes no sense.
I'm glad you are feeling so much better. It is a great way to start the semester. BTW, I love CMT!
My new favorte song: "me and my husband, we need a wife!"
Posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 23:52:55
In reply to Re: Dreamweaver get me through.. » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 9, 2004, at 23:36:55
I hope your birthday is enjoyable for you. That is a good time to reflect on things, but don't push yourself too hard, hun. I know that sometimes you let things unconsciously enter your mind during those times, at least I know I do, but try to relax and celebrate the day of your birth. It is a time to rejoice and be happy, not a time to drag yourself down. Just try to celebrate and be happy for the things you've accomplished and the fact that you are holding your own! And holding it well, I might add!
And don't worry that this is hard on him. He is TRAINED at this type of thing. He's been working at this for years and years. Yes, he's sympathetic to your pain, but at the same time, he knows how to not let it affect him. The extra appointments aren't hurting him. You are not a burden. If he couldn't fit you in, he wouldn't offer you the time slot. Take it, it's got your name on it! Please, he's offering you the help! He's reaching out his hand, now take it..... Funny story, my last therapist on our last session I asked for an honest evaluation and this is what he said:
"You are in a river drowning and people are throwing you rope after rope, but you are too busy asking questions. 'Should I take the rope? 'What if it breaks?' 'What if he's not strong enough to reel me in?'" He finally said, "Just take the rope and quit asking so many quesions."Your therapist is insisting that you "take his hand" and get the support that he can offer you. He can handle it. Please, do it for you, do it for your family if that makes you feel better. Do it for you therapist. Just do it hun. And don't feel guilty for taking someone up on an offer that they give.
I hope tomorrow you wake up with a clear head and the sun shining down on you. It does, you just don't realize it all the time. I hope you realize it tomorrow!
Waving my magic therapy wand, (I'll send it to you!)
Karen
Posted by DaisyM on January 10, 2004, at 20:23:22
In reply to Happy happy birthday baby! » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 9, 2004, at 23:52:55
<<<And don't feel guilty for taking someone up on an offer that they give.
I hope tomorrow you wake up with a clear head and the sun shining down on you. It does, you just don't realize it all the time.>>>Well, we were totally fogged in this morning, so that didn't work! :)
I'm trying not to feel guilty. I just feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of all of this than I need to. I'm so much better at helping everyone else. I tell myself to get over the past, accept the icky stuff here in the present as "not fixable" and move on. It is easier said than done, as you know.
I keep reading all the CBT stuff about controlling your thoughts, which will control your negative feelings,which should control the hurt. I can't seem to make it work for me -- I guess I'm not doing it right. Why should something that happened so long ago be so painful? And why can't I, whose life work is to offer support and guidance to sick kids and their families, find away to be more ok with the illness present in my house.
I hate the fact that I feel more OK one day and then I fall apart all over again. I keep looking for my coping reserves but they seem to have disappeared.
Sorry this is so negative...feeling sorry for myself right now. I should be happy actually (I'll post about that later) but actually feel overwhelmed instead.
I want all chocolate for my birthday - cake, icing, ice-cream and toppings. And only 1 candle, 'cause I'm starting over!
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