Posted by Anna Laura on March 1, 2002, at 2:34:55
In reply to Anger, posted by Dinah on February 28, 2002, at 10:24:00
Dinah,O.K. , may be what i'm about to say doesn't suit you at all. May be i'm just assuming you could have problems which are similar to mine.
I'm just trying to share my experiences and thoughts without judging or assuming anything.
It's a just a POSSIBLE SCENARIO: please don't think i'm teaching some kind of lesson or that i'm being presumptous about your life.
I just needed to be dramatic and trenchant in order to make myself understood in this language.
I think your demands concerning marriage are perfectly natural : even if it's very frequent for husbands to be like that ther's nothing wrong or childlish with pretending more tenderness, love and affection.
May be what's wrong is expecting things to change without you changing.
I think your husband is to blame in this case: nevertheless, i think you should see inside yourself to begin with.
When a find myself in a situation like the one you're describing, i often recall a chinese proverb which states: "if you can't be on your own, don't get married".
That means if you loose you inner independence then you' re going to have problems in a relationship, 'cause when it's somehow "umbalanced" chances are you put yourself at risk of being abused, or feeling rejected.
Unfortunately this is true in "real life" (outside world) as it's true within a relatioship/marriage. When you come to think marriage it's your shield and your shelter, when you're putting your life in someone else's hands thinking you'd be lost without that person, then problems starts to arise. It's inevitable, 'cause life it's not meant to be lived that way.
If it wasn't so, we wouldn't be able to accomplish anything.
It's o.k. being vulnerable and open hearted, otherwise we wouldn't feel love or emotions, what it's not o.k. it's being so vulnerable your life would be shattered without that person.
We never, never shall loose our inner independence. It's the most precious thing in the world. Then comes respect, love and affection. Then your expectations can be very high.
I'm not talking about being "armoured" nor untrusty or cynical.
I'm talking about reaching the apparently contradictory inner state of being alone with someone's else. You can still mourn and cry if you loose the person you love, you can still feel hurt, sad, happy or gratified but you won't be destroied.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:19013
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/19041.html