Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2002, at 0:04:38
In reply to I'm nobody's wife, posted by trouble on February 28, 2002, at 17:58:40
> He can no more give up the bullying than you can walk out the house stark naked. If you can go on this way, arguing his good points, cleaning up after him, withholding sex, and venting your frustrations amongst your peers I'd say you have a pretty normal marriage.
Well that answers my question. :) (But he cleans up after me.)
> If it were me I'd make one ground rule:
>
> *No physical corrections whatsoever, to wit:
> >
> > Son has feet with shoes on sofa. Instead of reminding "son, shoes" he'll jump up and stalk over, grabbing feet off sofa.
Let me make it clear that he is in no way physically abusive. Grab was too strong a word, I think. We have a non-corporal punishment house.
> The only recourse we ever have w/ others is in our response, it sounds to me like you've been passive and inconsistent in yours. One day you're brave the next day you're a harridan, you deserve better, no He deserves better, blah blah blah.You do know how to throw a dart, trouble.
> Can you say that, my husband has problems? (snip) So the old man has personality problems, who doesn't?
Exactly. We all do. And mostly he's a pretty good guy. A pretty great one, in fact.
> But you're not talking and that's trouble in any marriage. What's going on? You know how to express yourself, does that feel forbidden in your house, these days? No one is stopping you from speaking your truth. Of course this is where women f*ck it up beyond belief. Speaking honestly does NOT mean auditioning for the part of Mary, Mother of God, it means talking to the S.O.B man to man.
I am not at all shy about speaking my truth, albeit very politely. But that's just me, you know. (And he really isn't an S.O.B. He's my husband.)
Oops, got to be honest here. I learned from my parents that there is a certain amount of power in staying calm when others are angry. Maybe that's why it upsets me so when my therapist gets calmer and calmer as I get more upset. (Ah-hah moment).
> Come on, you're a world-class teaser, why not try teasing, joking, cajoling and mocking his outrages? It's hard to deny someone who's lovingly making your behavior into a burlesque.
Oh trouble, that's what I mean by perceptive. (Since it's you, my dear, I'll choose to take those comments in the best possible manner.) Those skills were hard won you know, by years of being the peacemaker in a very angry family. Imagine my dismay when they proved useless with my husband. He even saw what I was doing and informed me straight out that he's not my parents and I can't cajole him. (Good for him, wouldn't you say?)
>
> take care
>
> troubleThank you trouble.
poster:Dinah
thread:19013
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/19039.html