Posted by muffled on November 22, 2005, at 15:42:26
In reply to I don't want to feel this way..., posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
***Hey LGF, you posting! Hi!
> I need to vent, get advice, ask a question... I'm not sure what direction this will go in. Something has been bothering me since I saw my T last Thursday. I wanted to post about it, but at the same time, I didn't want to. I tried to forget it, but I don't like the way I feel, and it seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
***Ah, you are like me. We are circle people. We go round and round and round in circles.
>
> When I saw my therapist last week, I felt a little "off". Didn't feel much like talking, but also knew I was holding something back. Even when she asked a question, I tried to answer in as few words as possible. I just didn't feel together, and don't know how else to explain it.******I do that very often, very, very often. Wasting way too much freaking money man.
>
> I'm hard enough on myself, and feel like a bad girl because of how the session went, but I feel hurt about something else. She kept asking me if I was feeling/being the way I was because I was thinking about next week (Thanksgiving), I just said no. Well, I was thinking about that a little, but wasn't expecting what happened next. Since I see her on Thursday, we are not meeting this week. She has ALWAYS given me a different appt within the week whenever a holiday fell on a Thursday; always! She didn't even offer this time. I know I have class one night, so that only leaves 2 others, and maybe she really didn't have any openings, but I can't help but take it personally and feel hurt, rejected, insignificant, unimportant, worthless, and like I am being punished for having an "off" day. If she didn't have any evening times available, she could have offered something during the day to at least give me the option of taking time off work. I'm hurt. I'm SO hurt; mainly because I feel like I've done something bad.****Me, I'm no shrink, but from my personal experience, I'd say you have a tendancy to take on all badness, whether it belongs to you or not.(I used to do that)
She's the one who forgot, but she only human right.
Yep, I've played this game.
Sometimes my little pea brain don't work fast enough, or I blank out, so I don't think to ask the questions I perhaps should, or don't know answers when she asks them.
Used to bug me majorly. Now I am able to mostly let it go.>
> I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I always call her on Friday or over the weekend, and I didn't this time. I didn't because I didn't feel like I deserve to. So I've been withdrawn, and in my mind, feel like I have quit. I feel too far away from her now. And I know that as more time passes, things are only going to get worse, not only for me because of how I'm feeling, but for the relationship; after 2 weeks, there will be no connection. I hate that she doesn't realize that I didn't call because something is wrong, and call me. Logically I know that she DOES realize when I don't call, but she wouldn't be the one to call me. I hate that she can't read my mind. I need help; her help, but I won't ask for it.****Guess you goto decide how happy you are with your life and whether you REALLY want to change things. If you don't, then not much point in going to T. is there?
2 weeks is hard. 1 week is hard. Every week I go in and spend the first 15 mins having a anxiety attack. Then I chill.
Better get used to T. being human. Mine is. She totally pisses me off when she's human, what the hell anyways.
>
> And a part of me is frustrated with everything and seriously wants to quit over this, so all I am thinking about is the frustrating things... like this, and all these stupid, intense feelings. I hate that I have to feel so incredibly hurt over something little like this, while she is not affected at all. I'm frustrated that there is no consistency. (And I'm curious if you all have consistency from session to session?) I can't afford to go more often, and it seems like each week, there is more weekly stuff to talk about; or I forget things, or I avoid things. I've been writing each week and bringing it in for her to read, which she does near the end, but we never really discuss it. One week in particular I wrote A LOT, not just quantity, but quality... some deep things that I've avoided. Yet, we never talked about it. I don't know why, and I wonder if I said something wrong, or bad. It all just hurts too much, everything about it. Even the good stuff hurts. I don't want to do this anymore.***Circles, circles, I am getting dizzy. You are most definately not alone in this. My sessions are all over the map. Mostly they pretty useless cuz I can't make myself come out of my shell. I write lots, but its like my T. doesn't absorb writings. She should know exactly what I think and feel and how to fix me. But she doesn't. What the hell eh? If we went thru my writings I'd have to be there everyday, but I can afford that either.
>
> Now I feel like I said some bad things, but she is really a great therapist; very skilled, but also very warm and caring. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm not cut out for this. That's the way I'm leaning now.******Yeah, my T has her moments too. She's real nice. i'm trying to hate her right now cuz I'm trying to run away from some stuff I goto do and don't want to but think maybe I am ready to do. If that makes sense! I think its got to be a rarity that anyone is cut out for therapy, just by nature it pretty much sucks. Just goto keep our eyes on the goal we are trying to achieve by being there.
>
> I just feel so hurt, and I don't even feel like it's justified. :(****You have emotions, they not right or wrong really. They just are. They may have arisen from some incorrect assumptions, and thats something we can work on. I think the big thing is communication. Tell your T. how you felt. She's a T, she's trained she can handle it. If you go back thru stuff on this board you will see SO many others that do the same as you. Its so weird how you can just talk about some stuff and it magically gets better.
I dunno, not calling your T may have been your silent cry for help. But just like here on babble, unless you speak up, people aren't gonna hear you. That was a lesson I took a long time to learn. I suffered many tormenting days just like you are now cuz I thot people should know, but they don't. Be Little girl Found with your T. Speak up, say it all, everything. Even seemingly 'dumb' stuff can bring up really important stuff. (someone on babble told me this!)It can sure save you alot of unecessary torment.
So I'm glad you posted. Dunno if I've just totally pissed you off, but I can SO relate to where you at right now. I have good intentions.
Take care, try and let this stuff go, maybe phone your T. and be straight with her and then you can have a better week.
Take care, sorry to be so verbose.
Muffled.
poster:muffled
thread:581276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581298.html