Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
I need to vent, get advice, ask a question... I'm not sure what direction this will go in. Something has been bothering me since I saw my T last Thursday. I wanted to post about it, but at the same time, I didn't want to. I tried to forget it, but I don't like the way I feel, and it seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
When I saw my therapist last week, I felt a little "off". Didn't feel much like talking, but also knew I was holding something back. Even when she asked a question, I tried to answer in as few words as possible. I just didn't feel together, and don't know how else to explain it.
I'm hard enough on myself, and feel like a bad girl because of how the session went, but I feel hurt about something else. She kept asking me if I was feeling/being the way I was because I was thinking about next week (Thanksgiving), I just said no. Well, I was thinking about that a little, but wasn't expecting what happened next. Since I see her on Thursday, we are not meeting this week. She has ALWAYS given me a different appt within the week whenever a holiday fell on a Thursday; always! She didn't even offer this time. I know I have class one night, so that only leaves 2 others, and maybe she really didn't have any openings, but I can't help but take it personally and feel hurt, rejected, insignificant, unimportant, worthless, and like I am being punished for having an "off" day. If she didn't have any evening times available, she could have offered something during the day to at least give me the option of taking time off work. I'm hurt. I'm SO hurt; mainly because I feel like I've done something bad.
I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I always call her on Friday or over the weekend, and I didn't this time. I didn't because I didn't feel like I deserve to. So I've been withdrawn, and in my mind, feel like I have quit. I feel too far away from her now. And I know that as more time passes, things are only going to get worse, not only for me because of how I'm feeling, but for the relationship; after 2 weeks, there will be no connection. I hate that she doesn't realize that I didn't call because something is wrong, and call me. Logically I know that she DOES realize when I don't call, but she wouldn't be the one to call me. I hate that she can't read my mind. I need help; her help, but I won't ask for it.
And a part of me is frustrated with everything and seriously wants to quit over this, so all I am thinking about is the frustrating things... like this, and all these stupid, intense feelings. I hate that I have to feel so incredibly hurt over something little like this, while she is not affected at all. I'm frustrated that there is no consistency. (And I'm curious if you all have consistency from session to session?) I can't afford to go more often, and it seems like each week, there is more weekly stuff to talk about; or I forget things, or I avoid things. I've been writing each week and bringing it in for her to read, which she does near the end, but we never really discuss it. One week in particular I wrote A LOT, not just quantity, but quality... some deep things that I've avoided. Yet, we never talked about it. I don't know why, and I wonder if I said something wrong, or bad. It all just hurts too much, everything about it. Even the good stuff hurts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Now I feel like I said some bad things, but she is really a great therapist; very skilled, but also very warm and caring. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm not cut out for this. That's the way I'm leaning now.
I just feel so hurt, and I don't even feel like it's justified. :(
lgl
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:581276
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051118/msgs/581276.html