![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 2 to 26 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by muffled on November 22, 2005, at 15:42:26
In reply to I don't want to feel this way..., posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
***Hey LGF, you posting! Hi!
> I need to vent, get advice, ask a question... I'm not sure what direction this will go in. Something has been bothering me since I saw my T last Thursday. I wanted to post about it, but at the same time, I didn't want to. I tried to forget it, but I don't like the way I feel, and it seems to be getting worse as each day passes.
***Ah, you are like me. We are circle people. We go round and round and round in circles.
>
> When I saw my therapist last week, I felt a little "off". Didn't feel much like talking, but also knew I was holding something back. Even when she asked a question, I tried to answer in as few words as possible. I just didn't feel together, and don't know how else to explain it.******I do that very often, very, very often. Wasting way too much freaking money man.
>
> I'm hard enough on myself, and feel like a bad girl because of how the session went, but I feel hurt about something else. She kept asking me if I was feeling/being the way I was because I was thinking about next week (Thanksgiving), I just said no. Well, I was thinking about that a little, but wasn't expecting what happened next. Since I see her on Thursday, we are not meeting this week. She has ALWAYS given me a different appt within the week whenever a holiday fell on a Thursday; always! She didn't even offer this time. I know I have class one night, so that only leaves 2 others, and maybe she really didn't have any openings, but I can't help but take it personally and feel hurt, rejected, insignificant, unimportant, worthless, and like I am being punished for having an "off" day. If she didn't have any evening times available, she could have offered something during the day to at least give me the option of taking time off work. I'm hurt. I'm SO hurt; mainly because I feel like I've done something bad.****Me, I'm no shrink, but from my personal experience, I'd say you have a tendancy to take on all badness, whether it belongs to you or not.(I used to do that)
She's the one who forgot, but she only human right.
Yep, I've played this game.
Sometimes my little pea brain don't work fast enough, or I blank out, so I don't think to ask the questions I perhaps should, or don't know answers when she asks them.
Used to bug me majorly. Now I am able to mostly let it go.>
> I hate that I feel this way, but I do. I always call her on Friday or over the weekend, and I didn't this time. I didn't because I didn't feel like I deserve to. So I've been withdrawn, and in my mind, feel like I have quit. I feel too far away from her now. And I know that as more time passes, things are only going to get worse, not only for me because of how I'm feeling, but for the relationship; after 2 weeks, there will be no connection. I hate that she doesn't realize that I didn't call because something is wrong, and call me. Logically I know that she DOES realize when I don't call, but she wouldn't be the one to call me. I hate that she can't read my mind. I need help; her help, but I won't ask for it.****Guess you goto decide how happy you are with your life and whether you REALLY want to change things. If you don't, then not much point in going to T. is there?
2 weeks is hard. 1 week is hard. Every week I go in and spend the first 15 mins having a anxiety attack. Then I chill.
Better get used to T. being human. Mine is. She totally pisses me off when she's human, what the hell anyways.
>
> And a part of me is frustrated with everything and seriously wants to quit over this, so all I am thinking about is the frustrating things... like this, and all these stupid, intense feelings. I hate that I have to feel so incredibly hurt over something little like this, while she is not affected at all. I'm frustrated that there is no consistency. (And I'm curious if you all have consistency from session to session?) I can't afford to go more often, and it seems like each week, there is more weekly stuff to talk about; or I forget things, or I avoid things. I've been writing each week and bringing it in for her to read, which she does near the end, but we never really discuss it. One week in particular I wrote A LOT, not just quantity, but quality... some deep things that I've avoided. Yet, we never talked about it. I don't know why, and I wonder if I said something wrong, or bad. It all just hurts too much, everything about it. Even the good stuff hurts. I don't want to do this anymore.***Circles, circles, I am getting dizzy. You are most definately not alone in this. My sessions are all over the map. Mostly they pretty useless cuz I can't make myself come out of my shell. I write lots, but its like my T. doesn't absorb writings. She should know exactly what I think and feel and how to fix me. But she doesn't. What the hell eh? If we went thru my writings I'd have to be there everyday, but I can afford that either.
>
> Now I feel like I said some bad things, but she is really a great therapist; very skilled, but also very warm and caring. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm not cut out for this. That's the way I'm leaning now.******Yeah, my T has her moments too. She's real nice. i'm trying to hate her right now cuz I'm trying to run away from some stuff I goto do and don't want to but think maybe I am ready to do. If that makes sense! I think its got to be a rarity that anyone is cut out for therapy, just by nature it pretty much sucks. Just goto keep our eyes on the goal we are trying to achieve by being there.
>
> I just feel so hurt, and I don't even feel like it's justified. :(****You have emotions, they not right or wrong really. They just are. They may have arisen from some incorrect assumptions, and thats something we can work on. I think the big thing is communication. Tell your T. how you felt. She's a T, she's trained she can handle it. If you go back thru stuff on this board you will see SO many others that do the same as you. Its so weird how you can just talk about some stuff and it magically gets better.
I dunno, not calling your T may have been your silent cry for help. But just like here on babble, unless you speak up, people aren't gonna hear you. That was a lesson I took a long time to learn. I suffered many tormenting days just like you are now cuz I thot people should know, but they don't. Be Little girl Found with your T. Speak up, say it all, everything. Even seemingly 'dumb' stuff can bring up really important stuff. (someone on babble told me this!)It can sure save you alot of unecessary torment.
So I'm glad you posted. Dunno if I've just totally pissed you off, but I can SO relate to where you at right now. I have good intentions.
Take care, try and let this stuff go, maybe phone your T. and be straight with her and then you can have a better week.
Take care, sorry to be so verbose.
Muffled.
Posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 19:34:05
In reply to I don't want to feel this way..., posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
But you do. It really is a double edge sword, isn't it? Caring so much about our therapists but then hurting about them as well.
Your hurt is totally justified -- I would be upset too if we didn't even talk about the fact that I'd be missing my session due to a Holiday. And of course you expected to be offered another slot. I wish you had been able to say, "can we find another time this week?" because then you would know if she was gone, or full or whatever. I seriously doubt you are being punished for having an off day. You aren't bad, she doesn't think you are bad, she knows some sessions are better than others.
When I finally let go and railed at my therapist about the inequity of the situation --I cared so much more than he did--he was able to help me see how he does care and we talked through a lot of my frustrations. I still get sad, mad and upset about the boundaries and rules, but I know he does care about me. And that goes a long way to soothe things. I think you should tell her. And if you've told her before, tell her again.
As far as writing stuff down, I know it is hard but if you can read some of it at the beginning of the session, you probably will find it launches a discussion. It is hard to get into stuff at the end of session, at least for me. When I first starting doing this, it was hard for me. I felt sort of foolish reading to him. But truthfully, it has been one of the most productive tools we've used. He will usually ask me which part of a long piece I want to talk about. Or he will go back to what he thinks is surprising or significant. Sometimes it is talking about how telling him has made me feel. There have only been a few occasions where I couldn't read out loud what I wrote and handed it to him. And that wasn't nearly as productive. Try it -- it really might help.
(((LGL))) I can't begin to tell you how many times Fallsfall had to tell me I was worth caring about before I believed it. So I'll tell you -- You are worth caring about. I'm sure your therapist does. And so do I. Don't torture yourself. Call her.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 21:15:57
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel this way... » LittleGirlLost, posted by muffled on November 22, 2005, at 15:42:26
Hehee Muffled, no you didn't piss me off at all. :) In fact I agreed with so much of what you said. Yes it does feel like I am going in circles and I thank you for pointing that out.
What really stuck out for me was this:
> ****I dunno, not calling your T may have been your silent cry for help. But just like here on babble, unless you speak up, people aren't gonna hear you.
That is exactly what it was. I usually call her without fail every week. There was one week where I was feeling so bad that I actually couldn't call, but wished with all my might that she would sense it and call me. I have told her this too; that if I don't call, it's actually not a good sign and doesn't mean I am doing well and don't need to call, it usually means just the opposite. I think in a way that I was doing the same thing now, and I feel stupid and unrealistic to even expect her to just know this.
> ****Guess you goto decide how happy you are with your life and whether you REALLY want to change things. If you don't, then not much point in going to T. is there?
I get what you're saying. To answer you honestly, at this point (and who knows, it could change tomorrow) no, I am not happy with my life and do want to change things, but right now I just feel so worthless. Hopeless also, but moreso worthless; maybe this is all I deserve. So then no, there isn't any point to going.
Well anyway, I did take your advice and called her tonight. I'll try to post an update in a little bit. (I'm glad I listened to you. :) )
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 21:39:44
In reply to Re: I don't want to feel this way... » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on November 22, 2005, at 19:34:05
> (((LGL))) I can't begin to tell you how many times Fallsfall had to tell me I was worth caring about before I believed it. So I'll tell you -- You are worth caring about. I'm sure your therapist does. And so do I. Don't torture yourself. Call her.
(((Daisy))) This comment finally brought forth a few of the tears I've been fighting for the past few days; thank you for this.
You're probably right about the writing and reading it myself, but I don't like reading out loud... or even talking for that long without being interrupted. I feel so unworthy of any attention and when speaking, try to get my point across as quickly as possible so that I don't have to keep talking. I also worry that if I were to read it, knowing me, I would probably edit as I read. But you are right though and I understand how helpful it has been for you. And it's not that I want to bring it up at the end, but it always seems like I am walking in there every week with some pressing issue. Sometimes it just feels like doing damage control week to week and there isn't really any time to get to the older and deeper issues. So of course I worry that I am doing it wrong... Which led to my current thoughts of 'is it worth it'.
As far as the holiday screwing me out of my appt, maybe I am wrong for expecting her to fit me in. Truthfully though, I wouldn't have ever expected it if she hadn't always done it before. Sure I might wish I could have said something, but I'm sure this happens to others, so maybe I shouldn't get any special treatment. I should just see it as bad luck. But it did hurt me because she's always done it, plus, don't I have any ranking? I mean, what if she fit in a newer person?! <gasp!>
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 22:59:34
In reply to I don't want to feel this way..., posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 14:16:32
So I bit the bullet and called. I was ambivalent, but realized I am only making things worse for myself and it would be a long two weeks. Even if I decided to quit, I figured to call and be done with it rather than agonizing over it.
I got her voicemail and decided not to leave a message. I was ambivalent about calling anyway and didn't know what to say, whether she answered or not. I guess my calling and not leaving a message was a slightly louder "silent cry for help".
And she called back. Took me by surprise, and didn't really know what to say. I told her that I was frustrated with everything and didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. I said that I should probably say it in person, but the days since our last session have been so hard that I would rather just be done with it all. She asked if it had anything to do with this Thursday and understood why I would feel angry and frustrated. So I admitted, maybe a little. I didn't want to tell her too much incase I am trying to swim away, I didn't want her reeling me back in. (These T's can be like fishing poles!) I asked her if she noticed that I didn't call this weekend. She said she did and wondered why I hadn't. I told her that things were bad and I couldn't.... then I couldn't get the other words out... so she asked if I had wished that she would have called me. (Yes! She does know me!) I said yes that esentially I was angry that she couldn't read my mind, and that it isn't fair for me to feel that way. She told me that all of my feelings and wishes were okay and that I needn't be so afraid to share them with her, though she can understand why I am.
The conversation was much longer than any others, and so much of it I don't remember. But I could feel her warmth through the phone which seems to have melted some of this hard shell I had around me. So it was a good conversation, her tone was very gentle tonight, which was good because sometimes she sounds a little different on the phone. She said I can call her again before next Thursday if I wanted to, and even more than once if I wanted to. She understands how it feels so far away for me, for which I am glad.
I don't remember much else, but it's inside somewhere, right?
I'm a different kind of sad now. I feel like crying because I want to see her now; right now! I remember her now and I miss her. I want to sit on her lap and cry. I want to be there. I miss her. (Ugh, and this is why I don't post so often, because it stirs up all these feelings.)
Is it next Thursday yet?
lgl :(
~~~
And then the perfectionist in me worries that I have started giving up already. I haven't written anything for the past 2 weeks. And I'm not writing anything during this 2 week span either. It's too overwhelming to me right now. On the other hand, it's the only way I can remember these little (or big) details. I have too much to do that I can't worry about writing now. Maybe I need to believe that that's okay.
Posted by annierose on November 23, 2005, at 7:06:00
In reply to I called, posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 22:59:34
I am so glad you had the courage to call. And your T had called ID to know it was you! and called you back.
She does care. She does want to help. I'm glad you told her your wishes. I know my T would never call me unless I specifically called and left a message to call me back. They want you to take charge of your treatment.
Your T sounds very warm and gentle. Try to think of her calming voice when you get sad or miss her.
Posted by muffled on November 23, 2005, at 13:21:23
In reply to I called, posted by LittleGirlLost on November 22, 2005, at 22:59:34
Good for you. Sounds like you got a real nice T.
Sorta sounds like maybe you dissociate a bit. I do that and it annoys the crap outtta me.
Its hard to miss your T. They like a safe haven in a way.
Hey therapy comes and goes and changes and stuff. Sometimes I journal pages of stuff in a day, other times, days go by and I write nothing.
Sometimes I go to appt. and there is literally nothing going on in my head, nothing. Just an empty space btwn my ears.
Therapy isn't about being perfect. Even your T is not perfect, she'll screw up, and its ok cuz she's human and thats a good thing.
So, glad to see you posting!
Muffled
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 24, 2005, at 10:10:45
In reply to Re: I called » LittleGirlLost, posted by annierose on November 23, 2005, at 7:06:00
Thanks Annierose. Yes, I am very glad for caller ID, and am both surprised and glad that she did call me back without me leaving a message. I have a feeling she knew that I didn't call for a reason, and that it was hard for me to call and that is why I didn't leave a message. (I'm just glad it worked out!)
>>> Your T sounds very warm and gentle. Try to think of her calming voice when you get sad or miss her.
This is where I have a hard time. It would make sense to think of her when I get sad or miss her, but that always seems to make me more sad, and miss her more. So it's almost like I try to forget her, in a way. But maybe if I could hold on to her, and think of her, it would help, right? I mean, it should... it would make sense.
But she really got through to me on the phone and I have been so sad. In fact, yesterday I was so weepy at work. What a sight that was! And it's so unlike me since I probably haven't cried in years. So I emailed her and told her a little of how I was feeling, and she totally understood and validated it all. I also said that I just wanted to lay under her desk and cry. She said that if it would help to imagine that, then why not! lol! I wonder if she knows that I really want to do that!
When I feel little, I hate sitting all proper in those adult chairs... and that's all she has in her office.
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 24, 2005, at 10:20:23
In reply to Re: I called, posted by muffled on November 23, 2005, at 13:21:23
Thanks Muffled. Yeah I do tend to dissociate which is probably I don't remember all of the conversation. It can be annoying, but sometimes I just have to think that some part inside heard it and maybe that's all that matters.
What? My T is human?! I have yet to see that. <grin>
lgl
Posted by daisym on November 24, 2005, at 16:54:58
In reply to Re: I called » annierose, posted by LittleGirlLost on November 24, 2005, at 10:10:45
I'm glad you feel reconnected. Maybe you could carry a reminder of your therapist with you in between sessions? I loved when my therapist recorded a voice mail for me to listen to when he was gone. It made me feel connected and I could listen to it as much as I wanted to without anyone else knowing. Maybe try that?
Sometimes I don't know which is worse...the sad, missing you feelings or the anxious, where are you feelings? *sigh*
Hang in there. I'm glad you called her. That was very brave and a great step towards taking care of yourself.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 29, 2005, at 14:58:41
In reply to Re: I called » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on November 24, 2005, at 16:54:58
Thanks Daisy :)
The voicemail... Yes, I do that too. I save her messages. Even though they don't say anything special, they are still her, and I can listen to them whenever I want to.
I also have her business card in my wallet.
I also have a little glass/stone (not sure of the material) elephant that she gave me off her shelf way back when I first started telling her about these feelings. I never thought she would actually give me something though! I hold that little elephant sometimes, and sometimes I talk to it, but I think it has lost a little of it's magical power since it has now been in my house so long. I know that sounds silly, but it really was more powerful when she first gave it to me. I still like it though. :)
~lgl
Posted by littleone on December 1, 2005, at 14:25:35
In reply to Re: I called » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on November 29, 2005, at 14:58:41
> I hold that little elephant sometimes, and sometimes I talk to it, but I think it has lost a little of it's magical power since it has now been in my house so long. I know that sounds silly, but it really was more powerful when she first gave it to me. I still like it though. :)
It doesn't sound silly at all. My T gave me a hanky a little while back and it used to work really well. I could carry it around or touch it and I really felt a lot closer to him. I go hiking a lot and I take it with me so I'm not alone, he's always with me.
Except it has lost my T's you-ness. Like I've sucked it dry and there's none of him left in it. I want to take it in to him and get him to carry it around for a few days or rub it a bit or something to get some of him put back into it.
Posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 18:10:46
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » LittleGirlLost, posted by littleone on December 1, 2005, at 14:25:35
I have two suggestions. They might take a little courage.
For the elephant, take him in and ask your therapist to help you name him. It will be a connecting experience and an opportunity to talk about internalizing the security she gives you.
And for the hanky, take it back in and ask him to put his initials on the corner (take a sharpie or something.) This will personalize it again for you and you'll never forget where it came from. (not that you would)
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 2, 2005, at 9:57:46
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » LittleGirlLost, posted by littleone on December 1, 2005, at 14:25:35
> It doesn't sound silly at all. My T gave me a hanky a little while back and it used to work really well. I could carry it around or touch it and I really felt a lot closer to him. I go hiking a lot and I take it with me so I'm not alone, he's always with me.
That's terrific; and I imagine that since it's a hanky, maybe it has a little of his smell? Hope that doesn't sound weird.
> Except it has lost my T's you-ness. Like I've sucked it dry and there's none of him left in it. I want to take it in to him and get him to carry it around for a few days or rub it a bit or something to get some of him put back into it.
LOL I was thinking the same thing! I almost wanted to give it back so she can recharge it, but maybe then I wouldn't get it back.
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 2, 2005, at 10:03:26
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness, posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 18:10:46
> For the elephant, take him in and ask your therapist to help you name him. It will be a connecting experience and an opportunity to talk about internalizing the security she gives you.
Hmmm that would be a good idea! Except, I already named him on my own... maybe I shouldn't have done that? Well, my little part named him. :)
Now I'm a little sad... that naming ceremony sounds nice.
lgl
Posted by muffled on December 2, 2005, at 12:14:57
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 2, 2005, at 10:03:26
> > For the elephant, take him in and ask your therapist to help you name him. It will be a connecting experience and an opportunity to talk about internalizing the security she gives you.
>
> Hmmm that would be a good idea! Except, I already named him on my own... maybe I shouldn't have done that? Well, my little part named him. :)
>
> Now I'm a little sad... that naming ceremony sounds nice.
>
> lgl**Does your T know its name? Maybe you could bring it in and he could hold it awhile?
Maybe stick it his armpit for a bolus of T smell!!Kidding, not meaning to be nasty. You seem to have good sense of humour is all :)
Sorry your struggling.
Muffled
Posted by daisym on December 2, 2005, at 23:40:45
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 2, 2005, at 10:03:26
So give him a middle name...
Or buy him a sibling and take them both in to meet your therapist. There are lots of ways to get reconnected around this.
What did you name him?
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 4, 2005, at 0:00:30
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » LittleGirlLost, posted by muffled on December 2, 2005, at 12:14:57
> **Does your T know its name? Maybe you could bring it in and he could hold it awhile?
I'm not really sure if she knows its name... I suppose I could bring it back for her to recharge, but I'm kinda worried that maybe I've kept it too long? I don't know... when she gave it to me, she didn't say when she wanted it back, but I'm sure she does since she has the momma elephant still on her shelf.
> Maybe stick it his armpit for a bolus of T smell!!Kidding, not meaning to be nasty. You seem to have good sense of humour is all :)
LOL Muffled; you are too funny!! I think I'll pass on that, but thanks for the laugh. :)
lgl
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 4, 2005, at 0:04:13
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » LittleGirlLost, posted by daisym on December 2, 2005, at 23:40:45
> What did you name him?
I named him Chuck. LOL, I have no idea why... it just came to me!
Then my little part named "her" Tina. LOL, again no idea why.. maybe because it sounds a little like peanut. And the elephant is a girl.
lgl
Posted by muffled on December 4, 2005, at 0:36:45
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » muffled, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 4, 2005, at 0:00:30
> I'm not really sure if she knows its name... I suppose I could bring it back for her to recharge, but I'm kinda worried that maybe I've kept it too long? I don't know... when she gave it to me, she didn't say when she wanted it back, but I'm sure she does since she has the momma elephant still on her shelf.
***Whoa, she gave you the baby and she has the mom elephant. Gosh that was so cool of her. That'd be awful if she wanted it back. What did she say when she gave it to you? She did give it to you? The naming thing is cool.
Muffled
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 5, 2005, at 12:22:19
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness, posted by muffled on December 4, 2005, at 0:36:45
> ***Whoa, she gave you the baby and she has the mom elephant. Gosh that was so cool of her. That'd be awful if she wanted it back. What did she say when she gave it to you? She did give it to you? The naming thing is cool.
lol well I call it the mom and baby since the one she has is bigger. Yes she did give it to me, though I honestly cannot remember what she said. I just remember how touched I felt that she would actually do it. I've read how some therapists give their clients something, but I just never thought her to be the type. I assume she would want it back eventually though.
lgl
Posted by muffled on December 5, 2005, at 12:29:11
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » muffled, posted by LittleGirlLost on December 5, 2005, at 12:22:19
> lol well I call it the mom and baby since the one she has is bigger. Yes she did give it to me, though I honestly cannot remember what she said. I just remember how touched I felt that she would actually do it. I've read how some therapists give their clients something, but I just never thought her to be the type. I assume she would want it back eventually though.
***I dunno, seems to me that if a person gives somebody something that they shouldn't expect it back. I guess you could ask. If its lost its T'ness anyways?.....Yeah, it was REAL nice for her to give it to you.
Muffled
Even if she wants it back, DON"T GIVE IT TO HER!!!!!!!Keep it forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I think its Muffly saying that!!!!!HA!)
Posted by LittleGirlLost on December 5, 2005, at 14:14:25
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness, posted by muffled on December 5, 2005, at 12:29:11
> ***I dunno, seems to me that if a person gives somebody something that they shouldn't expect it back.
lol, I agree with you, but it wasn't like giving a gift. I think it was more along the lines of, "would it help to hold on to this while we are apart?" Again, I don't remember what or how she said, but what I wrote sounds like something she would say. :) Though I do remember when she gave it to me, it didn't seem like a forever thing. I feel a little guilty that I've had it this long; though I still want it.
Posted by littleone on December 5, 2005, at 14:42:19
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness, posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 18:10:46
> And for the hanky, take it back in and ask him to put his initials on the corner (take a sharpie or something.) This will personalize it again for you and you'll never forget where it came from. (not that you would)
Okay firstly, what's a sharpie??? Some sort of knife? Me and knives don't really get on.
And as for the hanky, it's got his initials embroidered in the corner already. It's already very personalised. I just can't keep it associated with him. I guess it's all part of my object constancy problems.
It worked really well at first because I could picture and feel him giving it to me when I saw/felt the hanky. But I don't remember any of that now. I mean, I remember that he gave it to me, but I can't picture it or feel it or anything anymore. It's just something I know. Like I know the sky is blue or ducks say quack or whatever.
I have a lot of trouble holding on to him in my mind. Usually I can remember him throughout the evening after a session, but that's about it. Sometimes I can't even do that. Sometimes I lose him as soon as I've walked out of his office. Makes me want to run back in and grab some part of him that will stay with me a bit longer. I don't mean physically grab him. More like grab part of his essence.
Posted by 10derHeart on December 5, 2005, at 15:19:25
In reply to Re: Tokens holding their T-ness » daisym, posted by littleone on December 5, 2005, at 14:42:19
>>I have a lot of trouble holding on to him in my mind. Usually I can remember him throughout the evening after a session, but that's about it. Sometimes I can't even do that. Sometimes I lose him as soon as I've walked out of his office. Makes me want to run back in and grab some part of him that will stay with me a bit longer. I don't mean physically grab him. More like grab part of his essence.<<
This part really made me tear up. I feel *exactly* like this SO often. I so, so, so understand this, littleone. And it's so d@mn frustrating and scary. <sigh>
Oh, and about the sharpie...no worries, Miss Daisy wasn't talking about a knife. A Sharpie (that's the brand name of the best-selling brand) is just a permanent marker, that's all. :-)
ps - I loved this thread. It brought up stuff I need to talk about with T. more than I already do (which seems like too much) but makes me cry too easily and become speechless...
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