Posted by ST on February 28, 2002, at 3:37:28
In reply to Re: The bipolar artist, posted by trouble on February 27, 2002, at 2:43:44
Wow. These posts really hit home. I've been struggling with: "which part is my personality and which part is my 'illness?'" Which me is ME? medicated or not? I still don't know, but the important thing is that I'm getting "it" back again.
In 1994 I went on Depakote and pretty much ceased to be creative, witty and deeply emotional. I still got work as an actress, but of course in TV and film land, none of the acting work is too challenging anyway, so I got away with feeling like a robot. I hit a point where I just didn't care. Who cared if there was an audience in front of me expecting me to be funny or move them to the point of tears? One time I slept through a final callback for a part on a new TV show. Who cared. I was numb.
It finally ocurred to me that perhaps I was on too much of my mood stabilizer. I was a bit too....stabilized. These mood stabilizers are important. But they do put a "lid" on us, our feelings, our reactions, our ability to dream. So with my doctor's OK, I lowered my dosage. Then a year later I lowered it more. And more. And now, I'm on a dose that is quite minimal, but I feel like "me" - whatever that is - again. I have goals, energy to achieve them, a well of feeling and a mind that's quicker. I'll never be the laugh-riot-a-minute-maniac I once was and that's fine with. The other stuff that came with it was not worth it.
To anyone who is manic depressive, I suggest looking at how much mood stabilizer you're on.
And trouble: I respect your desire to stay away from a mood stabilizer. You're a brilliant writer. However, it is a fact that the older you get, the more frequent and more intense the highs and the crashes. I believe there is a middle ground for us, I really do. But it takes avoiding complacency and the frequent monitoring of ourselves. I think it takes simply not settling: for either the un-medicated chaos or the over-medicated void.
Sarah
poster:ST
thread:18957
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/18999.html