Posted by Gracie2 on March 7, 2002, at 16:29:01
In reply to Re: Great poetry! Keep it comin'!, posted by Roo on March 6, 2002, at 10:05:27
Just back from a week at the psych ward, ya'll. I managed to lose my job while I was in there, I was too embarrassed to call them up and tell them where I was. It wasn't a very good job anyway.At least it gave me some insight. When I got home, I looked at the canvases I had painted and the murals I had done years ago and I thought girl, you are wasting a God-given talent and that's a sin in my book. Even if the psychiatric medication and my own wobbly state of mind will not allow me to focus long enough to complete some great work of art, I can surely start small and do something, even if I don't feel like it, and maybe that will lead to bigger things.
So I started painting little wooden boxes. I spend a lot of time on these things, sanding and painting and poring over crafts magazines for new ideas. At first I had to make myself do it, but now it has become a reason to get up in the morning. Because I am highly undisciplined, I had to make a schedule for myself; up at dawn (well maybe a little after dawn) - arts and crafts time for two hours - shower and dress - study my medical transcriptionist course - work on the house - watch TV and go through the want ads - cook dinner. I believe I am through as a radiographer - I've been in so much trouble - but the thought only brings relief. However, I don't seem to be suited for much else. Most of the ads ask for "friendly, energetic people". Snort. I wouldn't mind delivering things, but I would never pass the urine test required with all the (prescribed) drugs in my system.
Still, I am quietly proud of myself for having set up some kind of routine that includes a regular sleeping-and-waking time (before Seroquel, this was impossible), a time to study and a creative pursuit. My next goal is to get outside the house EVERY DAY even if it is just to walk the dog. Also, my hospital experience was so recent that I actually revel in my morning cup(s)
of Starbucks Espresso (nothing but decaff on the psych ward) and being able to shave my legs without someone watching me. You don't think about that stuff until it's taken away.Oh dear I got into "chat" mode. What I meant to say is that if medication has you "blocked" as an artist, it is still possible to take baby steps -
a small sketch of the tree outside your window, a few lines of writing. At this time I don't believe it will be possible for me obtain the feverish heights I experienced painting these huge, colorful canvases that simply poured from my brush when I was manic, and I do miss that...the focus, the intensity. However, since I am a so-called "rapid-cycler", I would crash and burn within a couple of weeks, sometimes days.It certainly is a trade-off. It certainly is.
-Gracie
poster:Gracie2
thread:18957
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020305/msgs/19461.html