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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 3:40:56
Hi,
Maybe some of you can help me. I've been involved for 1.5+ years and increasingly, I'm experiencing mood swings from my partner that have gotten to the point that it is getting very hard to take. She has told me that past doctors have suggested bipolar type of diagnoses, or TMJ or the like, but she rejects being labelled, so she is unwilling to accept any of these and feels she has just physical problems. She was an alcoholic but has been sober for a few years now. I've read on the internet about these two (bi and TMJ) as well as borderline and cyclomythia (sp?) to try and understand and also to see if she indeed is suffering any of the symptoms. I think she is. She also complains about headaches, severe neck pain and tonight expressed extreme depression and got very angry at me for asking questions that were based on my concern for her. She is on Trazedone and Neurontin, but the only clarity I get is that she is irritable if she doesn't take the neurontin. I have experienced her irritability without neuorntin and it isn't pleasant. I've tried to be a supportive partner, but it seems like no matter what I do or say, I can never satisfy her or make her happy. It has gotten to the point where she is angry with me most of the time for the smallest things. This morning I was a hero and she loved me beyond compare. Tonight I was a villian. It was as if I was talking with a completely different person.I am at my wits end as to how to deal with this. I don't want to leave the relationship because I love her, but I can't go on like this. Any help or insight would be highly appreciated.
thanks for listening
Posted by Willow on April 13, 2002, at 6:59:29
In reply to How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 3:40:56
Lacey
I'll reply more later, this is my morning check in, and I need to run off soon. Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting. I know you say she's been sober but you may find the meetings helpful.
Back in hours,
Wheeling Willow
Posted by Mitchell on April 13, 2002, at 10:51:56
In reply to How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 3:40:56
Lacey,
This is entirely my perspective, and I don't mean to claim it defines your situation, but since you asked...
Your friend has every right to direct her own health care. If her values differ from yours, that does not mean she is wrong, or is refusing care that would definately help her. I can think of any number of good reasons a person would refuse to be labeled and refuse to gamble on a potentially endless chase for medications that often cause discomfort that exceeds that which they ostensibly relieve.
If a lover or confidant began to pressure me to accept their prefered medical doctrine, I might study the medical option they espouse, but I would also consider whether the person was perhaps seeking reinforcement for their own values rather than expressing affection for me as a unique individual.
My studied experience with relationships is that we often choose people who represent what we disallow in ourselves and, after the testosterone- and noradrenaline-mediated excitement of the new affair wears off (several months to a couple of years), begin to notice and to repress in them the exact trait that we found so attractive in them in the first place.
From my own experience, my variable moods can be observed in terms of a biochemical footprint - perhaps a greater number of HT5 receptors and maybe more dopamine receptors, along with a chronic difficulty in maintaining the blood levels of the chemicals needed to service those receptor laden synapses. But if I am one of those who ended up with two short genes in the segment that determines dopamine receptor density (as compared to s/l and l/l folks) that is who I am and I expect my community to accomodate me, not to modify me. If I find comfort in an herb that acts as a ligand to cannabinoid receptors, I consider anyone who attempts to officially interfere with my self-medication to be a criminal - guilty of kidnapping, false imprisonment and other crimes related to offenses against my person and against my property. The same goes for ethyl alcohol and opiates. If my behavior is intolerable under the influence of these medicines, my community has the right to control my behavior. But I do not recognize my communities right to assume these medicines are unacceptable and ineffecacious for me. My answer to people who do not like my choice of medicines is that they are free to distance themselves from me. From a distance, if they cannot enjoy the company, insight and other benefits of my unique personality, that is there choice.
My answer to a lover in your position, if I were the subject in question, would be that if you don't like the way I am, find another lover. If any blame is to be assigned, I would ask my lover to blame themself for not accepting me and I would not embrace an assertion that I am unacceptable.
Posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 11:03:00
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state? » Lacey, posted by Mitchell on April 13, 2002, at 10:51:56
Mitchell,
Thank you for your thorough response and I agree with everything you say. My post may have not been clear. The problem is that I'm getting verbally attacked, abused and assaulted. I have never once questioned my partner's choices of medication and I support whatever path she chooses to follow. I also don't judge her for her chemical inbalances. I have my own as well. I think we all do on some level. They are just different inbalances and get expressed in different ways.I did not mean to portray that I don't like the way she is based on the things you said in your response. What I tried to portray was factual information to see if it rang any bells for anyone that might help me know what to do, if there is anything I can even do. I can no longer be the brunt of her anger for the times I'm talking about, I've done nothing wrong to deserve it. So I'm looking for guidance from others who may know something about her situation.
Lacey
Posted by Mitchell on April 13, 2002, at 11:32:01
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 11:03:00
Lacey,
I hope you will forgive me if I don't accept allegations of abuse and assault as factual without an investigation. Almost every day, people feel they are attacked or abused by me. But they are miles away, and the people sitting next to me usually agree that my behavior was appropriate, and the person who felt attacked was defending turf, not defending their dignity.
The same has been my experience in relationships. I feel I have been the target of covert intrigue and when I challenge the intrigue, my partner claimed I was unneccessarily subjecting them to my anger.
If it were you and I, I would ask that you first examine your perceptions to see if you are not party to the three As you describe, then to determine if my anger might really be appropriate. If you still don't like my moods and attitudes, I would suggest that the world is a very large place and there is room of all of us - probably with some distance between us.
On the other hand, if you really want this relationship, maybe you can work out accomodations. If you are co-habitating, seperate rooms can sometimes provide personal space and relieve pressures caused by constant sharing of space.
Posted by Shar on April 13, 2002, at 12:00:54
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Willow on April 13, 2002, at 6:59:29
There may be very little that you can do, other than accept what IS and understand that it is quite unlikely you will change your partner.
In my opinion, your actions are effectively limited to stating your feelings about what is going on, and then making choices. Stating your feelings would be what YOU WANT in this relationship (much more effective--and harder--to say what you want vs. what you don't want).
If you realize that your role in the relationship is really a set up for failure (such as trying to make someone happy, which none of us can do), you may want to determine how you want to be vis-a-vis your partner. That is, how about some boundaries? What are your limits? To what extent do you want to keep the current interactions going?
You can be a good friend and partner, and still have your own boundaries. If the love relationship is not going to work, you don't have to stop being friends, close friends, or even living together. This relationship can be whatever the two of you want to make it. If your goals and desires are too disparate to come together as a "love relationship" there are many other options.
Hmmm, I may be rambling again.....BTW Al-anon would be a good thing to try out because it is about setting boundaries, very good stuff to know about.
good luck,
Shar
Posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 13:11:15
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Shar on April 13, 2002, at 12:00:54
Shar,
Thank you. Sometimes we forget the knowledge that we have and you so succinctly reminded me of things I know, but all too easily forget. I really appreciate your thoughtful response and it was a great help to read it. I will give alot of consideration to the things you say. You are a wise woman.
The best to you.
Posted by KB on April 13, 2002, at 14:02:06
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 13:11:15
I think the most important thing you can do is get support for yourself. I think it's certainly fair to raise the issue - preferably in moments when both of you are calm - and using "I-statements" as in "I feel xxxx when you xxx" so it's more about your feelings than about her.
As for Mitchell's comments, I think that if you are experiencing it as an attack, then it's an attack whatever her intent or others' perceptions may be. That doesn't make her bad, but it does mean that something needs to change so that you are protected - whether that's her behavior or the way you relate to her.
Posted by ST on April 16, 2002, at 22:09:18
In reply to Re: How do you talk to a lover about her state?, posted by Lacey on April 13, 2002, at 11:03:00
Lacey,
You have every right to suggest that she take care of the problem in whatever way she sees fit. But she must take care of the problem; not only because you care about her well being, but also because you are being abused. I respect Mitchell's point of view, but if you are being abused and she is not taking responsibility, you are not wrong to push. Also, sometimes choosing to leave a person and a situation does good for the both of you.
I lost my first long-term relationship because of my untreated manic-depression (bipolar). He just finally had had enouggh. He told me to get help. He told me my mood swings seemed abnormal. I did not seek help. Now, I was not "abusive" in the traditional sense. But I put him through hell with all my suicide threats and emotional tantrums and depressions. After he left it was a wake up call for me.
The man I'm with now inspires me to stay on top and to deal with my illness every day. I really believe we have a responsibilty in committed relationships. We must strive to be good to ourselves so we can be good to each other.
Good luck,
Sarah
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