Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:55:46
In reply to Re: tick tock, posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2014, at 18:32:40
and the crazy thing about all of this...
is that i wasn't the target of bullying at high school. i was a smoker. i had a HUGE smoking group. and that morphed into a drug group. but there was my group, yeah. and i had a few close friends over the years of high school... once i was in the home i had a good group... the druggie christians for a while there, heh. and then a wonderful group of 5 for my last few years of high school... and we drank a lot.. but they were also into drama and i was like a mascot (supplier) for school productions...
so i was one of the cool-ish kids at high school. in a bad influence kind of way...
but NOW i find myself in the midst of this b*llsh*t. when i'm 36 ffs. ffs. ffs. ffs.
i think... i'm supposed to 'step up'. to... say something bitchy or... something... something... a little snap of the jaws to tell the baby puppies to back the f*ck off / watch themselves. i think that people expect something like this from me... people do... look to me to lead...
the trouble is that in chem labs in particular i'm doing everything i f*ck*ng can to not have an overwhelmed panic attack. i can hear my heart boombing and i can see the people buzzing and i'm trying to focus on all this alien lab equipment and do things carefully so the demonstrator won't be scathing abotu what i'm doing (like putting ice on something that i was happy to leave being strained by water for a while because i was in the middle of doing something else)... and just focusing on the work is the very f*ck*ng limits of what i can do...
then comments... 'she's such a bitch... i, like, asked her what she got for number three and she totally ignored me' and so on... i just... can't reassure the puppies right now.
18 year olds are the hardest. and younger too... testing continually testing. i remember going through that phase.... not knowing how to process things myself and so throwing it at other people in the hope they would process it better for me...
until eventually... i learn how to better externalise (like here) to (mostly) process things myself. aka... i get better at not inflicting myself on others... at not being as overwhelming to them... could i read the 'back off' signals when i was their age? yeah, i think i could. that's how come i felt so depressed... raged at the horribleness of the universe... when need is too needy too greedy exceeds provision...
i think the best health care people i know.. all work part time. i think the later has a lot to do with the former. mental health particularly... but maybe other things too. who knows. i suspect there is something... soothing... about holding instruments in a long operation. peaceful. ideally. beep beep beep beep beep. everything is okay.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140828/msgs/1071552.html