Posted by lorelai on January 1, 2003, at 20:57:26
In reply to Re: just wanted to wish you luck, posted by Sean01 on January 1, 2003, at 17:45:25
> Lorelai...
>
> thanks so much for responding in such a thoughtful way. your words were very helpful. I agree that it would be a mistake to contact her therapist on my own. it is just frustrating when I read how often this condition is misdiagnosed (as something other than dissociative disorder) subjecting sufferers to a potentially protracted and off the mark treatment program that is missing the REAL problem. knowing that the true condition has a high succcess rate when properly diagnosed and treated exacerbates that frustration. I just pray that her therpaist IS one of the better ones who recognizes the REAL problem.
>
> yes, it is extremely difficult to care so deeply and be in a relationship with someone who is afflicted with this disorder. because I understand the truth of what is happening, I don't judge her or "blame" her. I love her unconditionally. the core person is so incredibly charming, adorable, sexy, and loving - we are great friends and love each other's company. sadly, however, she is unable to stay "present" in that reality.
>
> given the nature of this disorder - which fractures a person's personality into unintegrated, thoroughly distinct parts - predictably our relationship cycles through many different phases as she cycles from being present to "running away." one moment we will be inseparable and hopelessly adoring of each other - talk of marriage, of having children and spending a life together - and then, seemingly on cue, she will suddenly disappear, figuratively and literally. in fact it follows a very consistent pattern...as soon as our relationship reaches some milestone of particular closeness, trust, and intimacy, within 3 days she withdraws abruptly, and the girl I love and adore utterly vanishes. her voice changes, conversation changes, or stops calling and emailing, and becomes hard and even slightly mean-spirited. she'll forget the feelings, conversations, and actions of just a couple days prior...as if they never happened. when I invoke a reference to them she'll usually try to cover her tracks by pretending she remembers, but dismisses or rationalizes the suggestion that anything has changed. it's like she "remembers" more like in a dream. I can feel her struggling to keep her realities all together. literally we have been engaged and euphoric one day, and 3 days later she won't contact me or answer messsages. sometimes she has left a note in my car saying something like "I can't be in a relationship right now" or some other similar excuse. then a week or so later we're back together and the cycle starts afresh. this has happned about a dozen times in 16 months.
>
> when her anxiety is most acute - which fortunately has been very rare - it is truly scary. her mind seems to freeze up entirely. her eyes can't focus on anything. her body movements are erratic. her words are stilted, barely lucid, and can't maintain context. even in less acute states, she struggles with maintaining simple context in a dialogue. when we chat online she seems to lose her place...I can "feel" her change...her typed words change style and tone.
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> at other times she has blurted out a stream of words that say somehting very bizarre and out of the blue. and then the next instant has no memory of having said them at all. taken by themselves they seem non-sensical, but in fact they usually contain reference to something that is part of the demoms that are tormenting her.
>
> sorry, now it's me babbling. but I appreciate your sincerity and your unique perspective. I share a little more of her story so that you might understand the specifics a little more. there's a lot more to tell - for example about what is likely the cause of this disorder - but perhaps, if you're interested, I can talk about that another time.
>
> please forgive the presumption for asking, but I have a question before I leave you for now - how aware are YOU of your "alters" and of your transiton into those alters? do you know the changes only because others tell you? or do you have an awareness yourself? is it a sharp awareness...or more like a dream? of course you have no obligation to answer, but if you are willing, I would be very curious to know.
>
> again, thanks for listening and caring. it has already helped a great deal.
>
> Sean
>
Hey Sean,It's a little unnerving, reading what you say about your relationship's cycles. Mine, though somehow managing to last three years, goes through the same type of cycles. I'm not sure how many times we've broken up, but I think a good guess would be at least half a dozen times per year. It's gotten to the point where neither of us likes to tell our friends whether we're together (this week) or not. We're working on this though and I hope all turns out well. I know how tough it must be for him (for you too, in your relationship).
I'd like to hear more about your girlfriend, yes, if you'd like to share.
In answer to your question, I have an awareness of one alter--I call her "my Alice"--who has been with me (on a level I've been consciously aware of anyway) since I was 17. Alice rescues me from scary situations because she's streetwise and tough and knows how to do things--such as public speaking--that scare the hell out of me. When something is going wrong I "feel" myself slide into this alter. She talks to me, calms me down and tells me to give it a break. I didn't consider her an alter for years and saw no reason to ever bring her up in therapy, but I finally told my boyfriend about her, half-jokingly, and he insisted I tell my pdoc about her. When I did, she insisted I see another therapist who specializes in this disorder. Besides Alice, I know of no others, but have recently recounted a few spooky things to my therapist (For example: "someone" put an order for a movie into an online account for me, saving it for me to purchase later. Only problem is, no one else but me has access to my account. I have no recollection of doing this at ALL, but it couldn't have been anyone else. And it was a movie of a book I'm currently reading. So go figure. Things of this nature happen to me once in a while and it's disturbing).
As far as my awareness of Alice being sharp or dreamlike--I lose some of what's going on, depending on whether it's a horrible thing or just something I don't feel like dealing with. In the case of horrible things (like my drunken ex in my face, screaming obscenities at me) I've gone completely blank and don't recall anything after a certain point. In the case of things like public speaking, I know what's going on but it's all sort of surreal.
I was thinking about your girlfriend today and wondering how aware she is of what's going on with her--? Maybe you could recommend some reading material to her (check out suggestions from others in the above posts). She might recognize herself and be more open to at least bringing up Dissociative Disorder to her therapist.
Btw, my boyfriend describes my "going away" look as "shark eyes." He says I get this dead look and I'm just not there. It all sounds so familiar, what you say about your girlfriend. It's kind of strange to get other's perspectives. My best friend has it down to a science and, like you, can tell via e-mail when things aren't right with me. I also have bipolar disorder (or so they say).
Anyway, I go out of town often, so if you don't hear from me for a couple of days I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Best,
Lorelai
P.S. What does your girlfriend do? I'm curious to know if she's a creative person. Just wondering. I'm a writer (fiction, book reviews, used to write poetry).
poster:lorelai
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2011.html