Posted by lorelai on December 31, 2002, at 12:33:24
In reply to Re: just wanted to wish you luck, posted by Sean01 on December 29, 2002, at 21:28:47
> Hi. I came across this thread and learned a lot. I am not a therapist, nor a psychologist, but I have a strong suspicion that my girlfriend suffers from dissociative disorder. I have researched a great deal - mostly on-line - to educate myself so to better understand what she is going through. I love her very much, and she loves me...but there is a "part" of her that runs away (fast) whenever she allows herself to trust, feel happy, and love openly. She struggles to stay in the present, has profound memory lapses, adores and wants to spend every second with me one minute, then will be distantly detached, cold, and even heartless the next. I have seen her in various stages of dissociation - sometimes it is so acute it is scary. But I don't judge her because I know there is something else going on.
>
> she speaks of her "secret garden" (do you know bruce springsteen's song?) where no one is let in. But she HAS trusted me on several occassions to enter that garden where she reveals to me incredible stories from her past. I fear she has suffered gross abandonment and emotional abuse - from EVERYONE close to her. I also fear she may have been sexually abused. I want to help desperately. I think she is only partially aware of her dissociation. She is seeing a therapist. I have asked her to let me go with her. I feel I can help. not surprisingly she says no way. I wish I could speak to her therapist. Should I approach her therapist on my own, or is this a betrayal? Inappropriate? My GF is a great actress (as I think is common for this disorder) and does a good job of fooling most everyone. Maybe she fools her therpaist as well? I am very concerned for her...is there anything I can do? I don't want to abandon her like everyone else has. your advice would be greatly appreciated! sorry to try and explain something so complicated in a short note, but I suspect you can fill in the blanks.
>
> thanks. sean.
Sean,Like you, my boyfriend wants to help and has offered to speak to my therapist. I've okayed this in the past, but have since decided I'd rather not go that route. Not yet. It's tough to trust someone that deeply and I'm sure your girlfriend does trust you to a certain extent. It's funny you mention that Springsteen song because I've been listening to it lately and feel the same way. Anyway, as far as going behind your girlfriend's back to talk to her therapist--? Don't even think about it. For one, if the therapist has any ethics at all he/she will refuse to discuss the client behind her back. Also, the trust you've gained with your girlfriend thus far will be lost. I don't have answers for you. I wish I did. I just know that establishing trust with your girlfriend will take a long time and that maybe, one day, she'll trust you on a deep enough level to allow you into some therapy sessions with her. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and still don't feel that I can let him in completely, though I love him very much. The main thing is, let her know you're there for her. It's a positive thing that you've chosen to study up on dissociative disorder (rather than running away) and if you're willing to live with this, then more power to ya. I know my friends and family have a tough time putting up with my problems, but I've managed to find a very small circle of people (my therapist, my shrink, my boyfriend and my best friend) who know I'm a good person at heart who just happens to disappear sometimes, grow very cold and distant and sometimes seem to not even be Lorelai anymore. I've been doing a lot of serious work with a therapist who specializes in these things. It's a scary thing when you've done things/said things you have zero memory of. When you've estranged family members and friends with your behavior and you have no recollection of said behavior. Sorry to've babbled on and on. All the best of luck to you and your girlfriend, Sean. I'm glad to hear she's in therapy and has a supportive boyfriend by her side. Believe me, if she doesn't already, she'll probably grow to appreciate having someone like you in her life. I just hope you'll steer clear of trying to get into her therapy sessions until there comes a time when she wants you there. Btw, a really good shrink can see right through the lies (the Great Actress comment), but it took me a long time before I admitted to any of my shrinks that I was lying. I've been in therapy off and on since age 15 and lied to every single one of them (as well as to myself) till this past year. And I'm 44 years old now. When I told my shrink I'd been acting all these years and had never allowed myself to be straight with anyone she just gave me a look that said, "So what's new?" Interesting that I thought I was fooling everyone, though believe me, I'm also quite the performer. Just got tired of performing and I hope eventually your girlfriend will too. Though--as in my case, the dissociative behavior (alter-ego) has proven helpful at times and given me an alternative way of dealing with things I couldn't handle, it's finally starting to sink in that it's time to move on. To at least get things to a point where Lorelai's in charge and not some "other"(my therapist says it's a creative avoidance technique). I don't know how much this helps, but hope it does some. You're not alone. There are a lot of people dealing with this type of thing. A suggestion? Maybe consider getting your own therapist--someone to help you deal with and better understand what you're going through. Wow, did I go through a lot to answer this post, btw. My password ceased to work (memory lapse on my part, probably) and I've tried countless times to re-register over these past couple of months. Finally got it to work today!
All the Best,
Lorelai
poster:lorelai
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/1985.html