Posted by Sean01 on January 1, 2003, at 17:45:25
In reply to Re: just wanted to wish you luck » Sean01, posted by lorelai on December 31, 2002, at 12:33:24
> Like you, my boyfriend wants to help and has offered to speak to my therapist. I've okayed this in the past, but have since decided I'd rather not go that route. Not yet. It's tough to trust someone that deeply and I'm sure your girlfriend does trust you to a certain extent. It's funny you mention that Springsteen song because I've been listening to it lately and feel the same way. Anyway, as far as going behind your girlfriend's back to talk to her therapist--? Don't even think about it. For one, if the therapist has any ethics at all he/she will refuse to discuss the client behind her back. Also, the trust you've gained with your girlfriend thus far will be lost. I don't have answers for you. I wish I did. I just know that establishing trust with your girlfriend will take a long time and that maybe, one day, she'll trust you on a deep enough level to allow you into some therapy sessions with her. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and still don't feel that I can let him in completely, though I love him very much. The main thing is, let her know you're there for her. It's a positive thing that you've chosen to study up on dissociative disorder (rather than running away) and if you're willing to live with this, then more power to ya. I know my friends and family have a tough time putting up with my problems, but I've managed to find a very small circle of people (my therapist, my shrink, my boyfriend and my best friend) who know I'm a good person at heart who just happens to disappear sometimes, grow very cold and distant and sometimes seem to not even be Lorelai anymore. I've been doing a lot of serious work with a therapist who specializes in these things. It's a scary thing when you've done things/said things you have zero memory of. When you've estranged family members and friends with your behavior and you have no recollection of said behavior. Sorry to've babbled on and on. All the best of luck to you and your girlfriend, Sean. I'm glad to hear she's in therapy and has a supportive boyfriend by her side. Believe me, if she doesn't already, she'll probably grow to appreciate having someone like you in her life. I just hope you'll steer clear of trying to get into her therapy sessions until there comes a time when she wants you there. Btw, a really good shrink can see right through the lies (the Great Actress comment), but it took me a long time before I admitted to any of my shrinks that I was lying. I've been in therapy off and on since age 15 and lied to every single one of them (as well as to myself) till this past year. And I'm 44 years old now. When I told my shrink I'd been acting all these years and had never allowed myself to be straight with anyone she just gave me a look that said, "So what's new?" Interesting that I thought I was fooling everyone, though believe me, I'm also quite the performer. Just got tired of performing and I hope eventually your girlfriend will too. Though--as in my case, the dissociative behavior (alter-ego) has proven helpful at times and given me an alternative way of dealing with things I couldn't handle, it's finally starting to sink in that it's time to move on. To at least get things to a point where Lorelai's in charge and not some "other"(my therapist says it's a creative avoidance technique). I don't know how much this helps, but hope it does some. You're not alone. There are a lot of people dealing with this type of thing. A suggestion? Maybe consider getting your own therapist--someone to help you deal with and better understand what you're going through. Wow, did I go through a lot to answer this post, btw. My password ceased to work (memory lapse on my part, probably) and I've tried countless times to re-register over these past couple of months. Finally got it to work today!
> All the Best,
> Lorelai
>
Lorelai...thanks so much for responding in such a thoughtful way. your words were very helpful. I agree that it would be a mistake to contact her therapist on my own. it is just frustrating when I read how often this condition is misdiagnosed (as something other than dissociative disorder) subjecting sufferers to a potentially protracted and off the mark treatment program that is missing the REAL problem. knowing that the true condition has a high succcess rate when properly diagnosed and treated exacerbates that frustration. I just pray that her therpaist IS one of the better ones who recognizes the REAL problem.
yes, it is extremely difficult to care so deeply and be in a relationship with someone who is afflicted with this disorder. because I understand the truth of what is happening, I don't judge her or "blame" her. I love her unconditionally. the core person is so incredibly charming, adorable, sexy, and loving - we are great friends and love each other's company. sadly, however, she is unable to stay "present" in that reality.
given the nature of this disorder - which fractures a person's personality into unintegrated, thoroughly distinct parts - predictably our relationship cycles through many different phases as she cycles from being present to "running away." one moment we will be inseparable and hopelessly adoring of each other - talk of marriage, of having children and spending a life together - and then, seemingly on cue, she will suddenly disappear, figuratively and literally. in fact it follows a very consistent pattern...as soon as our relationship reaches some milestone of particular closeness, trust, and intimacy, within 3 days she withdraws abruptly, and the girl I love and adore utterly vanishes. her voice changes, conversation changes, or stops calling and emailing, and becomes hard and even slightly mean-spirited. she'll forget the feelings, conversations, and actions of just a couple days prior...as if they never happened. when I invoke a reference to them she'll usually try to cover her tracks by pretending she remembers, but dismisses or rationalizes the suggestion that anything has changed. it's like she "remembers" more like in a dream. I can feel her struggling to keep her realities all together. literally we have been engaged and euphoric one day, and 3 days later she won't contact me or answer messsages. sometimes she has left a note in my car saying something like "I can't be in a relationship right now" or some other similar excuse. then a week or so later we're back together and the cycle starts afresh. this has happned about a dozen times in 16 months.
when her anxiety is most acute - which fortunately has been very rare - it is truly scary. her mind seems to freeze up entirely. her eyes can't focus on anything. her body movements are erratic. her words are stilted, barely lucid, and can't maintain context. even in less acute states, she struggles with maintaining simple context in a dialogue. when we chat online she seems to lose her place...I can "feel" her change...her typed words change style and tone.
at other times she has blurted out a stream of words that say somehting very bizarre and out of the blue. and then the next instant has no memory of having said them at all. taken by themselves they seem non-sensical, but in fact they usually contain reference to something that is part of the demoms that are tormenting her.
sorry, now it's me babbling. but I appreciate your sincerity and your unique perspective. I share a little more of her story so that you might understand the specifics a little more. there's a lot more to tell - for example about what is likely the cause of this disorder - but perhaps, if you're interested, I can talk about that another time.
please forgive the presumption for asking, but I have a question before I leave you for now - how aware are YOU of your "alters" and of your transiton into those alters? do you know the changes only because others tell you? or do you have an awareness yourself? is it a sharp awareness...or more like a dream? of course you have no obligation to answer, but if you are willing, I would be very curious to know.
again, thanks for listening and caring. it has already helped a great deal.
Sean
poster:Sean01
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2008.html