Posted by Sean01 on January 5, 2003, at 22:44:51
In reply to Re: More on Dissociative Disorder » Sean01, posted by lorelai on January 5, 2003, at 20:17:09
Lorelai...
Thanks for caring. I'm sorry you've had a rough few days. actually my GF contacted me today, via an instant message. just as I suspected she did not remember that she was supposed to call me about getting together to exchange presents over a week ago. when she contacted me today, she asked why I was mad at her. she assumed that since I had not contacted her over the last several days it was because I was mad at her. it is so interewsting - however sad - because the exact same cycle recurs once again. she said she missed me and was very sweet. we chatted a lot today, and I could feel her shift a few times. I'm getting more tuned to the subtleties.
I know she suffers much as you do. she too will say that she just wants peace, someone to love and take care of her, and the friendship like she and I have. she will speak of getting married. she will openly invite it. yet as soon she begins to let herself believe that this is exactly what she can have with me, and begins to let herself enjoy it, she sabotages it or runs away.
imagine the internal conflict this causes - for both of you?! internally for both of you rages a torturous battle between two strongly passionate "personalities" in direct polar conflict with each other...both firmly believing that they know whats best for you. both vying for control. what an absoute nightmare! actually an alternating existence of hopeful dreams and fearful nightmares, trapped in an endlessly vicious cycle.
in the "normal" thinking mind of a fully integrated person, these kinds of conflicts exist of course, but are ultimately reconciled through a "normal" process of rationally sorting out what truly is in that person's best interest or is truly what they want.
yet in my GF's mind, and yours I assume, this is simply not possible. as you sayt, no matter how much you wish it to be different...you don't have ANY control over it. and it has nothing to do with your intelligence or desire. since the two distinct personalites are NOT integrated, and both claim and assert a SEPARATE need to survive and dominate, the opportunity to "work it out" in your mind, to reconcile two opposing emtoitons or thoughts, never has a chance, because you don't have ONE mind, you have TWO (or more even more likely). it is in reality not possible.
and so the vicious cycle - the one personality provokes and thus invokes the other. the mind that embraces trust, love, happiness, and peace triggers the "protector" that has been deeply conditioned/programmed to interpret these qualities as dangerous and doomed to hurt. then, eventually, the protector, which deprives you of the love, happpiness, peace, and even friends, family, and lovers that you need to survive, provokes the loving personality to emerge once again. and so it goes, round and round.
but I believe in the capacity of the human mind and spirit. if your mind can rewire itself as a child, then it can rewire itself as an adult. clearly the forces that afflicted your child's mind had to be powerful enough to cause such a short circuit in your brain development, so similarly powerful forces must be brought to bare now to mend the damaged circuitry. but however difficult, the mind DOES have the power to heal this injury!
most importantly, you, like my GF, are clearly a very decent, good, kind, loving person who is worthy of the unconditional love and support of your husband, friends, and family. work hard at staying in the PRESENT as long as possible under the healthy and empowering influence of their love, support, and trust.
I don't walk in your shoes, so I won't pretend to know what you go through, or how hard this is to do. but your core values the preciousness of life and the love of the people who you care about, so remain determined to demand the destiny that you want, need and DESERVE!
I am committed to not giving up on my GF, and I will do everything I can to help her choose and ultimately attain that destiny for HER life!
be well my friend.
poster:Sean01
thread:1196
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021230/msgs/2124.html