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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22
I tried to explain to my Dr. S how one of my alters makes me feel today and I cried. Why does tears make you feel so bad? I still feel bad. It was so hard to tell him why I want this one in particular gone. He doesn't think she is so bad. But I do. I asked him for help to maybe not banish her forever but to help me find a way to better control her, heck I have not control when she is around. So any control would be better. I just don't like how we behave when she is around. And it is out in social situations. Sometimes he or rather therapy brings her out depends on the situation and the questions being asked of me. She is my side from people getting to close. She is my wall. He thinks she is a good protector. But I still don't like it. It is not me. It is like an actor playing a role. After I get home, I get sad and I feel mad so it would seem to me that she and I need to get some agreement here. I avoid people due to this so I think it is a problem. It is also the feeling I am not in charge. I guess I am just feeling disconnected again and it is not a good feeling today. I feel weepy and that is never good either. I had more flashbacks and they gave me nightmares I woke myself up screaming. I keep seeing men I don't know and they are frightening me. I am a mess. But I act strong. I am tired of acting. You want to hear a really weird thing. I was in the middle of a flashback, my H said bye to go to work, and I felt my brain shift so I could say bye but the flashback continue and did not stop. LIke I could feel my brain working in two parts. Really weird huh. It did not hurt or give me a headache. And then the flashback continued like it was in pause mode and on it went. So I can maintain my dual life. The one of mom and wife, and the one struggling with DID/ and repressed surfacing memories.
I told my t told I wonder if I am not the alter and somewhere buried deep is the real me. Or maybe there was a real me. She was never allowed to really form and is just fragments. What if this is true. That is what I am afraid of.And then we were out of time.......I hate one hour sessions.........
rsk
Posted by muffled on March 20, 2008, at 14:54:31
In reply to Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22
Dichotomy. Parallel thot trains.
I get that.
I also went thru a phase where i was horrified, cuz the me, I think of as me, well it occured to me that it doesn't have memories, and then I was freaking, cuz what am *I* then???a facade? a piece? a fragment? a figment???
Sigh. But what i come to realize for me, is its ALL me. All of me is me. Its like I am not just an arm. I am arms and legs and body etc. All the parts make up the whole body.
I not so split, but even for me, DD are such a crazy convulted minefield. I just never know what unexpected twist there might be, good or bad.
Your T sounds OK Rsk.
I sure hope you can have some easier times, I think they will come.
Just don't spose it gonna be easy :-(
But then best things often don't come easy eh?
Take care,
M
Posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2008, at 16:21:51
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by muffled on March 20, 2008, at 14:54:31
Rsk starting to understand you more and feel so bad for you. Could it be that we all have that person to keep us safe with a wall? Protection? Phillipa maybe not such a bad thing. I don't know thinking aloud
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2008, at 18:28:19
In reply to Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22
It's difficult for me to respond to posts about parts that distinct, because it's outside my personal experience. If I'm silent, it's not for lack of caring, just lack of knowing what to say.
I am familiar with showing a calm face to the world while not being at all calm inside. And the other worldly feeling involved in that. I have mixed feelings about it. I know it's ultimately in my best interests to be able to meet my obligations. But I really resent it sometimes.
In theory I hate having to leave after fifty minutes. But in practice, when we've had double sessions or time and a half sessions, I find myself wrapping up after fifty and time dragging after that. Maybe it's just the nearly thirteen years of training.
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 18:48:54
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by muffled on March 20, 2008, at 14:54:31
Yeah Muffled I told him that maybe I am an alter not real. Heck I am not sure there is a real me and so there is no way to blend us to anything is there. I was talking to my son and H and suddenly came back mid sentence and they did not notice. I stumbled becaused I realized I had been gone and someone body else was talking not me. Who I have no clue. But you'd think people living with me this long would notice. But no, they did not. And as I tried to describe it Dr S he got it. He says people you live with just don't always look so closely at everything. I told him it is so different from say fainting when the world comes back in parts. This is like one minute I am here and the next gone and poof I am back. And I feel the same only weird because I know I have been out of my brain, gone. GOne where who the hel* knows. And someone else is out and about. But this time I was actually mid-sentence. I told him I was feeling less connected to the world and he asked if that felt bad. And said well I guess not anymore since I have now been this way for 49 years but in the last few weeks I had felt more solid and grounded but the rug felt yanked away.
No you are right it ain't easy. I believe due to the fact I dread going to sleep that the flashbacks will intensify now and that I will get the meaning of my nightmares soon. And these men in my flashbacks I will know soon what they are doing:( Although one can guess. But knowing is finally putting it behind you I hope. At least I hope.
I will try to take care you too muffled
thanks for answering
as I told Dr S talking to everyone helps but those that go through this is most helpful at times.rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 18:51:37
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2008, at 16:21:51
Thanks Phillipa now if only I can understand me:)
Thanks for feeling bad but don't I will survive this I always have. It is a process I started and must finish.Yes we do all have that wall to some extent it is just I think most can control the wall in that you control the person who puts it up. You. I don't control the part of me that puts it up. When she is out I am not. I am in the background. It is like a dream you have when you are trying to run in slow motion and can't speed up. I guess it isn't a bad thing but I can't change her behavior or stop it or be me when I want to....so that is what I hate.
Thanks for caring
rsk
Posted by I need a hug on March 20, 2008, at 18:59:22
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2008, at 16:21:51
RSK,
FWIW, I think Muffled and Phillipa made some very good points. She came to realize, "All of me is me." All of the parts make up the whole. There will be some hard times and some unexpected twists but the best things don't come easily. Muffled's walking the same path you are. I think she would be a good traveling companion.
I think Phillipa raises a good point, as well. Although it's much more involved with DID, we all have our own defense mechanisms to keep us from getting hurt.
Hang in there, RSK. I'm sure you are frustrated that things aren't moving along faster than what they are, but in the end it will all be worthwhile. You are a very special person and you give so much to Babble. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you get some answers from others who are much more knowledgeable than I about DID. I just wanted to offer my support.
(((((((RSK))))))) HUGS
Posted by I need a hug on March 20, 2008, at 19:00:27
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by Phillipa on March 20, 2008, at 16:21:51
RSK,
FWIW, I think Muffled and Phillipa made some very good points. She came to realize, "All of me is me." All of the parts make up the whole. There will be some hard times and some unexpected twists but the best things don't come easily. Muffled's walking the same path you are. I think she would be a good traveling companion.
I think Phillipa raises a good point, as well. Although it's much more involved with DID, we all have our own defense mechanisms to keep us from getting hurt.
Hang in there, RSK. I'm sure you are frustrated that things aren't moving along faster than what they are, but in the end it will all be worthwhile. You are a very special person and you give so much to Babble. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you get some answers from others who are much more knowledgeable than I about DID. I just wanted to offer my support.
(((((((RSK))))))) HUGS
Posted by I need a hug on March 20, 2008, at 19:03:33
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by I need a hug on March 20, 2008, at 19:00:27
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 19:16:57
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?) » rskontos, posted by Dinah on March 20, 2008, at 18:28:19
Thanks Dinah, it helps knowing people caring even if they can't relate. Hel* I have a hard time relating to and it is happening to me. When I tell Dr. S it sounds weird to me, so that is why it is hard to tell even him and he understands it better than most as it is a speciality of his.
Yeah the calm face. Do you sometimes want to revolt from it all. The calm outside yet no calm inside. I do, I feel like screaming so everyone will know how I feel inside, yet that would just get stares not really empathy. So the resent lives on..
It is just today, I did not have time to gather myself up before time. And to tell you the truth probably even an hour or more would not have been enough time. It took me about 3 hours and an xanax to calm down. So that isn't his fault it is a fault of my brain....
Sometimes being in his office helps but sometimes like today not so much.
Thanks though again, for the post like I said, just talking it out to someone who wants to listen helps a great deal. I understand the weirdness of it all. that is why I often don't speak up about it. But lately it is all too much....
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 19:23:21
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by I need a hug on March 20, 2008, at 18:59:22
Thanks Hugs,
Yes Muffled is a good walking companion. We would be lots of company! LOL. But no seriously, it does help to speak with someone walking the same way so to speak. Each is different yet the same. And in some ways if we are here on Babble we are sharing some things that are similar. Right we need to share therapy or the lack of it and needing it maybe.
And yes Phillipa was right, we all have our defenses. I wished I could control mine better or at all. And then again, I wish the need for them was not there at all..but that is another wish right.No, I am now not trying to rush it. It is now progressing on it own steam. I am trying to relax into it like Dr. S says too since it can't hurt me this time around. This time around is to release it. But that too is easier said than done. Of course it is. But I do thank you for your caring post too. I always do.
I just appreciate any answers as it helps to know I am not alone, that others are listening and just being there to support me. The answers I believe are in my head. I must be strong to look at them and then try to heal. And I need my friends here and my Dr. S to help me do that. I don't think I can alone. Or rather I know I can't.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 19:28:34
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 19:16:57
Posted by fayeroe on March 20, 2008, at 19:48:19
In reply to Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22
I can't offer very much in the way of understanding your situation, however I can offer you love and a shoulder.
I hate to see you in so much pain and whatever I can do, I'll do if you need me.
You have many friends here and we are all supporting you now......xoxoxo pat
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2008, at 20:08:46
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 19:16:57
I wouldn't say it was weird. Not at all.
I haven't experienced any number of things in life. :)
Has he helped you develop some calming strategies? And transition at the end of a session?
I personally fall face first asleep. Sometimes it only takes a half hour and I've woken up and the protections are fully back in place.
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 20:14:46
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?) » rskontos, posted by fayeroe on March 20, 2008, at 19:48:19
Pat, thanks for the support and kinds words. Love and a shoulder helps too! :)
I know. I think my therapist struggles. At least today, he looked like he felt my pain. I cried when I did not want to. As I tried to tell him how I am really a very serious, quiet person yet if ask anyone that knows me they would laugh at this, because they have seen the other one the protector one. While I was telling him this I just cried and cried. The look on his face echoed mine. I just realized how hard he tries:)
Thanks for the reminder how many friends I have and you guys supporting me I am counting on!
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 20:17:16
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?) » rskontos, posted by Dinah on March 20, 2008, at 20:08:46
Thanks. It is nice to know others don't think it is weird cuz it sure feels weird.
No, he hasn't. I will ask about them. And yes we do try and transition. Today it just would not help. I needed too much time. I should have gone to sleep but I did errands and such instead. Why I wonder. I decided to keep busy. I am a little reluctant to sleep these days.
But thanks. I used music to calm myself. That is what I did on the drive home. It helps. Most of the time.
rsk
Posted by Daisym on March 21, 2008, at 0:30:09
In reply to Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by rskontos on March 20, 2008, at 12:04:22
I believe there is a core-self and this is the real you. This core might not fully formed because you have split into so many pieces.Right now they each carry something valuable that is also a true reflection of you. We have to remember that our shadow side exists along side our more social side. Your protector came into being for a reason. As much as you'd like to banish her, this is potentially dangerous. But if you call a family meeting in your head and thank her, acknowledge her fears and triggers, you might find that she is quieter. She trust that "you" won't get into situations where "she" needs to take over. And the more you push down, the more she pushes back - so no wonder you are tired and she is strong right now.
Given the frequency of you flashbacks and how invasive they are, I think you might consider visiting your pdoc. There are medications that can help with this. Once the constant terror and crisis is under control, you can work more effectively on the deeper issues. Otherwise you are using all your energy just to survive the pictures in your mind.
This is not an easy task. You are very brave for facing it straight on and talking about it. I admire how your therapist defends some of your alters and is really trying to show you that he can be with you in your hurt and fear.
I hope you can put it away for the weekend though.
Posted by nfc on March 21, 2008, at 8:32:09
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by Daisym on March 21, 2008, at 0:30:09
hey rk,
saying hi and sorry to hear of the ongoings that's troubling you. you know you always have me to vent on if needed. I'd say even if you feel otherwise, I'd say between all our discussions w/ you helping me in the past, that shows the presence of the real you. maybe it might be one of those things that we ourselves have a hard time seeing. like others tell me things about me that i don't really see in myself. You're definitely a loving caring person and you can add that to the real person that you are.
i know T sessions are costly but maybe if you feel its worth it to increase the session time to maybe 1.5 hours? maybe might be of benefit.
but yeah take care and talk to u later
nfc
Posted by rskontos on March 21, 2008, at 14:42:47
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by Daisym on March 21, 2008, at 0:30:09
Daisym,
There is much wisdom in your words and I thank you. You are right. I will try to have a meeting and see if we can have a meeting and learn to trust each other more:) I will think more on what you said about core-self.
My p-doc is my therapist. He has offered more meds I just refuse them. Perhaps I will ask for a different suggestion.
No this is not an easy task. I will try to have a good weekend you too.
Thanks for such a thoughtful and caring reply.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on March 21, 2008, at 14:45:41
In reply to Re: Left Therapy Sad today..this is hard(trigger?), posted by nfc on March 21, 2008, at 8:32:09
nfc,
thanks for the reminder and I remember I can vent.:)
Yes I guess it is hard to see your own real self.I was thinking I might drop one session a week since it seems the twice weekly is what unleashes so many of these feelings sometimes. Sometimes I just don't get the therapy thing.
OH well I will keep trying.
Thanks for the reply. I will be in touch.rsk
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