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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
Me.
My childhood.
Fear.
Me, my childhood, fear.
Memychildhoodfear.
I sposed to do just that eh?
Put it all together in one package?
Despite the fear.
The nausea.
God, the terror.Me.
My childhood.
Fun.
Me, my childhood, fun.
Memychildhoodfun.
Supposed to put this in the package too.
Random memories overshadowed by fear.
There was much that was good.
I am very sure of that.
My parents worked hard to be good parents.
Done the best they could.
With defective goods.Sometimes I think I remember snippets of childhood.
But good or bad,
There’s always the fear.
Can’t even grasp the good.
Not allowed.
All blocked.How, how, how
Can one get past the terror?
Just a kids primal fear.
Nothing to an adult,
But can’t get past irrational childs fear.
God its insane.
Insane fear.
And we can’t go there.
Even if we wanted to,
To quiet the beast, with its gnashing teeth.
To turn it into the bumbling mostly harmless bumble bee that it really must be.
So the harmless horror is perpetuated.
It lives on, unchallenged.Nothing, nothing.
Its all about nothing.
And the nothing is not mine to tell.
It’s the kids to tell, I just understood this now.
Its hers to tell.
I can never tell cuz it isn’t mine.
If its to be described it has to be her.
But she not allowed
And she too shy
And I too embarrassed.
And so.
And so.
And so.
I fester.
I run.I would send this to my T. But she proly won't understand.
I mad at her too, cuz she don't understand, mebbe she not able to understand me.
Maybe I expect too much.
How am I to know?
Don't want to find another T.
Too hard.
Don't wanto hurt old T feelings.
Maybe its me, I just don't make sense.
Maybe its my T, she chickens out in the face of my emots.
She afraid I will do a bad thing.
Maybe I afraid too.
Maybe we BOTH taking the easy way out.
I can't have peace.
Kids trigger me lots of times.
Make me afraid.
Make me feel like a sick freak.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
:-(
Stupid muffled.
Posted by TherapyGirl on June 16, 2007, at 7:25:33
In reply to and so...... :-(, posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
NOT stupid Muffled.
That is beautifully, painfully written and perfectly understandable. I hope you will reconsider sending it to your T. Try to remember the times in the past when she's come through for you again and again despite your misgivings.
Hang in there, Muffled! You're doing good work.
Posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 10:09:04
In reply to Re: and so...... :-( » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on June 16, 2007, at 7:25:33
Posted by sunnydays on June 16, 2007, at 11:21:14
In reply to and so...... :-(, posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
((((muffled))))
Just so we're clear, your parents were NOT working with defective goods, if you mean you by that. I don't believe any adult is defective, but certainly a child is not defective. Ever. They are all sweet and innocent, and they are shaped by the environment they grow up in.
I hope you will send this to your T, the whole thing even the last part where you talk about her. Then I think she really might understand better how you think. It can't hurt anything, can it? She'll just know a piece of you a little better. And that's not a bad thing. She's tough, she can handle it, and she's also a safe person who would never hurt you intentionally and who I'm sure tries her best not to hurt you unintentionally. I bet she would love to hear what you write.
You are wonderful, caring person muffled. I wish you could find a way to accept someone else's caring for you. We care about you here, and your T cares about you. Let that surround you when you get afraid, if you can, and hold you so you feel safe. But if you can't do that, that's ok too. It's a very hard thing to trust enough to do it. I can't do it all the time.
Take care of yourself muffled. You deserve it.
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on June 16, 2007, at 17:58:11
In reply to Re: and so...... :-( » muffled, posted by sunnydays on June 16, 2007, at 11:21:14
Muffled you are a wonderful caring person give yourself permission to ackowlege that you really are the one that can. Therpist can point things out to you. But it's you that needs to accept the loving muffled. You're such a sweetie.Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 22:17:31
In reply to Re: and so...... :-( » muffled, posted by sunnydays on June 16, 2007, at 11:21:14
for your replies, support.
I am kinda confused.
But this has beena very busy week, and somewhat sad for a coupla reasons,so hopefully next week will be better.
I keep reading your replies.
Funny how it helps...
Thanks
Muffled
Posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:28:42
In reply to and so...... :-(, posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
Dear muffled,
Your post moved me to tears. It is so beautifully written and so painful too. I feel it in my heart.
I think it would be so good if you could share this with your T...
(((((muffled))))))
Frida
Posted by muffled on June 17, 2007, at 9:39:53
In reply to Re: and so...... :-(, posted by frida on June 17, 2007, at 2:28:42
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 17, 2007, at 12:49:39
In reply to and so...... :-(, posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
Hey muffledy,
I'm going to respond with lots of words to your brief yet intense post. Thank you for sharing these words> Me.
> My childhood.
> Fear.
> Me, my childhood, fear.
> Memychildhoodfear.
> I sposed to do just that eh?
> Put it all together in one package?
> Despite the fear.
> The nausea.
> God, the terror.
>You don't need to feel any pressure to put these together in one package. Worry about one aspect one day, and another aspect another day, or another year. Remember that this is YOUR story, not your T's. No pressure, okay muffled?
> Me.
> My childhood.
> Fun.
> Me, my childhood, fun.
> Memychildhoodfun.
> Supposed to put this in the package too.
> Random memories overshadowed by fear.
> There was much that was good.
> I am very sure of that.
> My parents worked hard to be good parents.
> Done the best they could.
> With defective goods.um. don't know who's defective? muffled's not defective, and maybe your parents tried their hardest, but their efforts were not enough for ALL of the different aspects of your self. My parents (for example) did very little to provide nurturing soothing love. The concept is foreign to me. They did make sure that my nerdiness was fostered to its fullest extent.
>
> Sometimes I think I remember snippets of childhood.
> But good or bad,
> There’s always the fear.
> Can’t even grasp the good.
> Not allowed.
> All blocked.
>
yeah :( blocked is protecting yourself, though. It's not constipation of the mind, rather it's like a dam, that will allow water out at different rates every day. Not enough to overwhelm the river valley below, but sometimes slows to a frustrating trickle> How, how, how
> Can one get past the terror?
> Just a kids primal fear.
> Nothing to an adult,
> But can’t get past irrational childs fear.
> God its insane.
> Insane fear.
> And we can’t go there.
> Even if we wanted to,
> To quiet the beast, with its gnashing teeth.
> To turn it into the bumbling mostly harmless bumble bee that it really must be.
> So the harmless horror is perpetuated.
> It lives on, unchallenged.You challenge it everyday that you live. Because that's what the fear is- fear of dying. It's the most primal fear. The one that infants come into the world with, knowing only a few tricks to keep adults interested in them enough to provide sustenence and love to their helpless selves.
>
> Nothing, nothing.
> Its all about nothing.
> And the nothing is not mine to tell.
> It’s the kids to tell, I just understood this now.
> Its hers to tell.
> I can never tell cuz it isn’t mine.
> If its to be described it has to be her.
> But she not allowed
> And she too shy
> And I too embarrassed.
> And so.
> And so.
> And so.
> I fester.
> I run.
>
You've come far, muffled. Now you know. Knowing causes even more struggles sometimes. You wonder how much the kid can bear before she bursts into a fit of insanity. You wonder what the consequences are of her speaking her voice. She has stagefright and wouldn't you, as an adult?> I would send this to my T. But she proly won't understand.
Safe it for another day, maybe it will be easier in a few weeks, or months?
> I mad at her too, cuz she don't understand, mebbe she not able to understand me.
> Maybe I expect too much.It's okay to expect too much, as long as you recognize that tendency. I expect my problems to be solved as soon as I learn of them. bummer.
> How am I to know?
> Don't want to find another T.
> Too hard.
> Don't wanto hurt old T feelings.muffled, she will stick by you, even if you tell her the she's a f*cking bitch. That's her job, you know?
> Maybe its me, I just don't make sense.
> Maybe its my T, she chickens out in the face of my emots.
> She afraid I will do a bad thing.
> Maybe I afraid too.
> Maybe we BOTH taking the easy way out.
> I can't have peace.
> Kids trigger me lots of times.
> Make me afraid.
> Make me feel like a sick freak.
> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
> :-(
> Stupid muffled.
>
>I tell you something that my T tells me every time that I seem to be losing it. "The most important thing is for you to take the best care of yourself that you possibly can". Even on days when I feel like a pile of foul festering infected L, I try to think of those words, and maybe do 1 thing. Otherwise I feel like I disappoint her. At least this way I get 2 things out of the way- a bubble bath, a balanced meal, AND the knowledge that I'm doing something that is supposed to make me healthier.
And another thing that she helped me learn (a little) is that when people evaluate you, they think of the cumulative impression that you make, not just the very immediate circumstances that force you to do things that you may be ashamed of.
please take the absolute best care of yourself that you can, and try to get a breath of fresh air, okay?
-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
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