Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 17, 2007, at 12:49:39
In reply to and so...... :-(, posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
Hey muffledy,
I'm going to respond with lots of words to your brief yet intense post. Thank you for sharing these words> Me.
> My childhood.
> Fear.
> Me, my childhood, fear.
> Memychildhoodfear.
> I sposed to do just that eh?
> Put it all together in one package?
> Despite the fear.
> The nausea.
> God, the terror.
>You don't need to feel any pressure to put these together in one package. Worry about one aspect one day, and another aspect another day, or another year. Remember that this is YOUR story, not your T's. No pressure, okay muffled?
> Me.
> My childhood.
> Fun.
> Me, my childhood, fun.
> Memychildhoodfun.
> Supposed to put this in the package too.
> Random memories overshadowed by fear.
> There was much that was good.
> I am very sure of that.
> My parents worked hard to be good parents.
> Done the best they could.
> With defective goods.um. don't know who's defective? muffled's not defective, and maybe your parents tried their hardest, but their efforts were not enough for ALL of the different aspects of your self. My parents (for example) did very little to provide nurturing soothing love. The concept is foreign to me. They did make sure that my nerdiness was fostered to its fullest extent.
>
> Sometimes I think I remember snippets of childhood.
> But good or bad,
> There’s always the fear.
> Can’t even grasp the good.
> Not allowed.
> All blocked.
>
yeah :( blocked is protecting yourself, though. It's not constipation of the mind, rather it's like a dam, that will allow water out at different rates every day. Not enough to overwhelm the river valley below, but sometimes slows to a frustrating trickle> How, how, how
> Can one get past the terror?
> Just a kids primal fear.
> Nothing to an adult,
> But can’t get past irrational childs fear.
> God its insane.
> Insane fear.
> And we can’t go there.
> Even if we wanted to,
> To quiet the beast, with its gnashing teeth.
> To turn it into the bumbling mostly harmless bumble bee that it really must be.
> So the harmless horror is perpetuated.
> It lives on, unchallenged.You challenge it everyday that you live. Because that's what the fear is- fear of dying. It's the most primal fear. The one that infants come into the world with, knowing only a few tricks to keep adults interested in them enough to provide sustenence and love to their helpless selves.
>
> Nothing, nothing.
> Its all about nothing.
> And the nothing is not mine to tell.
> It’s the kids to tell, I just understood this now.
> Its hers to tell.
> I can never tell cuz it isn’t mine.
> If its to be described it has to be her.
> But she not allowed
> And she too shy
> And I too embarrassed.
> And so.
> And so.
> And so.
> I fester.
> I run.
>
You've come far, muffled. Now you know. Knowing causes even more struggles sometimes. You wonder how much the kid can bear before she bursts into a fit of insanity. You wonder what the consequences are of her speaking her voice. She has stagefright and wouldn't you, as an adult?> I would send this to my T. But she proly won't understand.
Safe it for another day, maybe it will be easier in a few weeks, or months?
> I mad at her too, cuz she don't understand, mebbe she not able to understand me.
> Maybe I expect too much.It's okay to expect too much, as long as you recognize that tendency. I expect my problems to be solved as soon as I learn of them. bummer.
> How am I to know?
> Don't want to find another T.
> Too hard.
> Don't wanto hurt old T feelings.muffled, she will stick by you, even if you tell her the she's a f*cking bitch. That's her job, you know?
> Maybe its me, I just don't make sense.
> Maybe its my T, she chickens out in the face of my emots.
> She afraid I will do a bad thing.
> Maybe I afraid too.
> Maybe we BOTH taking the easy way out.
> I can't have peace.
> Kids trigger me lots of times.
> Make me afraid.
> Make me feel like a sick freak.
> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
> :-(
> Stupid muffled.
>
>I tell you something that my T tells me every time that I seem to be losing it. "The most important thing is for you to take the best care of yourself that you possibly can". Even on days when I feel like a pile of foul festering infected L, I try to think of those words, and maybe do 1 thing. Otherwise I feel like I disappoint her. At least this way I get 2 things out of the way- a bubble bath, a balanced meal, AND the knowledge that I'm doing something that is supposed to make me healthier.
And another thing that she helped me learn (a little) is that when people evaluate you, they think of the cumulative impression that you make, not just the very immediate circumstances that force you to do things that you may be ashamed of.
please take the absolute best care of yourself that you can, and try to get a breath of fresh air, okay?
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:763513
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/763731.html