Posted by muffled on June 16, 2007, at 0:07:03
Me.
My childhood.
Fear.
Me, my childhood, fear.
Memychildhoodfear.
I sposed to do just that eh?
Put it all together in one package?
Despite the fear.
The nausea.
God, the terror.Me.
My childhood.
Fun.
Me, my childhood, fun.
Memychildhoodfun.
Supposed to put this in the package too.
Random memories overshadowed by fear.
There was much that was good.
I am very sure of that.
My parents worked hard to be good parents.
Done the best they could.
With defective goods.Sometimes I think I remember snippets of childhood.
But good or bad,
There’s always the fear.
Can’t even grasp the good.
Not allowed.
All blocked.How, how, how
Can one get past the terror?
Just a kids primal fear.
Nothing to an adult,
But can’t get past irrational childs fear.
God its insane.
Insane fear.
And we can’t go there.
Even if we wanted to,
To quiet the beast, with its gnashing teeth.
To turn it into the bumbling mostly harmless bumble bee that it really must be.
So the harmless horror is perpetuated.
It lives on, unchallenged.Nothing, nothing.
Its all about nothing.
And the nothing is not mine to tell.
It’s the kids to tell, I just understood this now.
Its hers to tell.
I can never tell cuz it isn’t mine.
If its to be described it has to be her.
But she not allowed
And she too shy
And I too embarrassed.
And so.
And so.
And so.
I fester.
I run.I would send this to my T. But she proly won't understand.
I mad at her too, cuz she don't understand, mebbe she not able to understand me.
Maybe I expect too much.
How am I to know?
Don't want to find another T.
Too hard.
Don't wanto hurt old T feelings.
Maybe its me, I just don't make sense.
Maybe its my T, she chickens out in the face of my emots.
She afraid I will do a bad thing.
Maybe I afraid too.
Maybe we BOTH taking the easy way out.
I can't have peace.
Kids trigger me lots of times.
Make me afraid.
Make me feel like a sick freak.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
:-(
Stupid muffled.
poster:muffled
thread:763513
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/763513.html