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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
I'm scared to talk about termination. I can talk about the practical things, like billing and appt. schedules, but the feelings are bottled up pretty bad. constipation of the heart. I cry a little bit when I think about how much she has meant to me, but I can't seem to find a way to express, or even access the emotions I feel about ending what has been very productive and helpful therapizing.
I don't know how to screw up the courage to tell her how much i learned from her, or how much she has helped me. I cower before my own grief. Don't want to admit it to myself. Here I am though. I think it's starting. The crumbling of my defenses that have been raised since i first contemplated the big terminaTion.
Thing is, I've never been able to tell her how I feel about the relationship itself. Is it true that it has been the most steadfast relationship in my life? The most consistent? Is it true that I allow her to care about me more than I allow my own mother to?
This is one of those things that I know. Caring must come to an end, and Llurpsie must be prepared for it. My mom doles out caring in very capricious ways. Not until I was married did I understand what happens when I open my heart to someone, who takes it and nurtures it. Strangers are not to be trusted with feelings. Family must not see my emotions. bad consequences.
Lately I've felt like my whole heart has shut down amidst the chaos. The tenderness and affection I feel for my husband are hiding behind a wall I built to contain my emotions amist turmoil and stress. Too many transitions in my life. T only gets to see my daily anxieties, but she knows that there are some deep seated terrors that come to surface when I feel abandoned.
I know that she's trying to make our farewell as gentle as possible, but I haven't even begun to understand the effect it could have on my emotions.
will a single tear turn into a flood? Will I be punished for crying? Hate myself for showing my true feelings?
Can I summon up the courage to tell her how deeply I feel for her, when there are so few hours remaining in our relationship?
-Ll
Posted by gardenergirl on June 6, 2007, at 21:37:09
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Llurpsie,
I'm right there with you on all those thoughts and feelings. It's almost as if you wrote what I've been thinking. And I know it feels lousy and all.I just told my T last week that I thought the end of the summer semester was an appropriate time to terminate. It just feels right, and there are also practical reasons for that time. We had set a date previously, but that turned out to be premature, so I get to go through the grief of termination for a second time now.
It's grief, no doubt about it. And whenever I think about it without immediately distracting myself, I start to bawl. I haven't yet really told my T how I feel about him and what it's all meant. I've tried some. But it's huge. It's really huge, and I don't know that I can do it without breaking down completely. I know he'd be okay with that, but I don't know that I would be. It's too terrifying. Plus, if he offered a hug, which I have no idea if he would or not, I'd worry that I'd get snot all over his shirt. Isn't that stupid? Of course I also worry that I'd have a hard time letting go.
I know that he wouldn't judge what I'd say to him, or make fun of, brush off, or any of the other fears I have related to rejection. I KNOW he wouldn't, but yet I still fear it. And what I would "offer", my caring, my vulnerability, ME essentially, is so huge and so important. It's such a damn risk.
And to top it all off, when I told him the date and he agreed, he told me he had to have surgery in a couple weeks, and he will be out for 2-4 weeks. Not long after he's back and just before termination he goes on vacation for two weeks. So we both said at the same time, "that doesn't leave us very many sessions at all." And that feels like rejection or abandonment deep down, too. At least I think that's what's behind the sobbing about that. Sigh. And then today I had to ask what his surgery was. I just had to ask. Stupid me. Because now I'm all upset about that, too.
Bah. Sorry to be all about me. What I really meant to say was that I get it, and I'm sorry, and I'm here for you. But frankly, it's been one of those days when no one was available to listen, so I'm taking the opportunity of your post to just dump, sorry.
(((((((llurpsie))))))))
As my T said, it sucks. And it's good. But it sucks, too.
Take care,
gg
Posted by OzLand on June 6, 2007, at 21:46:41
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Why not show her a copy of your post? Would that make it easier or harder? I think it is important to let her know how you feel even if it means you get emotional. You are strong and will survive.
Posted by frida on June 6, 2007, at 22:51:03
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on June 6, 2007, at 21:46:41
Hi..
How painful to have to face this.
I can't imagine saying goodbye to my T..Does it have to be a definite goodbye? Maybe you can still keep in touch somehow? Maybe touch base once in a while...i don't know..
I think that printing this post would be a good idea..and a way to start telling her..
maybe you can hand it over to her and she can read it with you and you can try to share?Sending you safety and support,
Frida
Posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 0:57:19
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Your post was lovely and so heart felt. I can feel your pain and sadness. This isn't your choice, nor hers. It just is. I don't think you can know what the ultimate effect on you is going to be, but you will be able to carry what she has given you with you always.
I believe that therapists, like most of us, appreciate hearing about the impact they've made. Telling her how she has helped you and what it means to you is the best going away gift you could give. It is Ok to cry and feel sad. This is the correct response to missing someone. I know you are worried about a flood, but even if this happens, she will be OK with it. I'm guessing she would even be touched by the depth of your feelings. You definately will NOT be punished for crying.
And if you really think about it, does caring really come to an end? Contact might end...but caring continues. You will care about her, wonder how she is and think about your time with her. And she will continue to care about you and she will hold you in her thoughts and wish good things for you.
I wish things weren't so painful for you and you didn't have to face so many transitions at the same time. I'm glad you've found a new therapist to help you over some of the humps.
Posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 1:02:18
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gardenergirl on June 6, 2007, at 21:37:09
(((GG))))
I know you started to face this before and I doubt it will be any easier to "end" this relationship than it was before. But the timing seems right and you have done so much hard work. I'm sure he is very pleased with the work you've done together.
You have a wonderful way of expressing the essence of yourself so I'm betting that you will find a way to share your thoughts and feelings with your therapist. He won't care about the snot - I'm sure of it. He simply cares about you.
I'll keep him in my prayers for a swift recovery. And you too...
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:59:53
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Llurpy, i have big big BIG problems with issues around termination.. i can't bear to read the thread and i am sure the others have better advice than i am capable of giving.
But my heart breaks for you. i can't imagine how you must feel. Perhaps now is a good time for writing about it lots?
i am at a loss as to how i can help.. i am thinking about you, as little good as that might do.
Posted by annierose on June 7, 2007, at 10:53:00
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Telling your therapist how much she means to you is scary. But from my own experience, it always ends up feeling darn good. I know it feels risky, however the rewards are worth it. She probably knows already how much you mean to her, you do let her know in your own way. Heck, who doesn't like to hear good news?
When I have trouble telling someone something, no matter the subject, my t reminds me, think how relieved you'll feel afterwards, and you might even feel better.
I'm sorry you feel so yucky.
Are you moving?
Posted by muffled on June 7, 2007, at 13:41:03
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Can you write it in words Llurpy?
And give it to her?
Gonna hurt, no way round it :-(
Gonna hurt bad, but she's taught you how to cope, and you will cope, and over time it will hurt a little less.
Is there any possibility you can e-mail her, just to tell her how you doing? Just a touch base thing?
This sucks LL, but its gonna be OK.
I not much for goodbyes.
Damn, wish it could be easier.
((((((LL))))))
Muffled
Posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2007, at 22:07:34
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Lurpsie can you write it down hand it to her and let her read and then discuss it ? And if you cry so what that is healing good luck. Love Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 16:54:09
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
> I'm scared to talk about termination. I can talk about the practical things, like billing and appt. schedules, but the feelings are bottled up pretty bad. constipation of the heart. I cry a little bit when I think about how much she has meant to me, but I can't seem to find a way to express, or even access the emotions I feel about ending what has been very productive and helpful therapizing.
....It's hard for me to talk about our relationship at ALL. She recognized this and brought it up, and then handled my tears with sensitivity :..)
>
> I don't know how to screw up the courage to tell her how much i learned from her, or how much she has helped me. I cower before my own grief. Don't want to admit it to myself. Here I am though. I think it's starting. The crumbling of my defenses that have been raised since i first contemplated the big terminaTion....I think I even used these words. writing them out was good preparation and helped me figure out what to tell her
> Thing is, I've never been able to tell her how I feel about the relationship itself. Is it true that it has been the most steadfast relationship in my life? The most consistent? Is it true that I allow her to care about me more than I allow my own mother to?
>
...She told me that she KNEW that it was hard for many people to talk openly about the relationship. She said I was doing really well, even though it was so hard for me. (of course more tears dripping from my eyes
> This is one of those things that I know. Caring must come to an end, and Llurpsie must be prepared for it. My mom doles out caring in very capricious ways. Not until I was married did I understand what happens when I open my heart to someone, who takes it and nurtures it. Strangers are not to be trusted with feelings. Family must not see my emotions. bad consequences.We talked about this. She said that I am actually in a process of moving beyond my mothers neglect. She said that it will take some time, but that I am learning how to trust people who care about me. We spent a LOT of time talking about my mom, perhaps (she offered) I didn't want to say it, because she reminded me a little of my mom. true. but I could never tell her that.
>
> Lately I've felt like my whole heart has shut down amidst the chaos. The tenderness and affection I feel for my husband are hiding behind a wall I built to contain my emotions amist turmoil and stress. Too many transitions in my life. T only gets to see my daily anxieties, but she knows that there are some deep seated terrors that come to surface when I feel abandoned.I tried a dozen times to open my heart up and let go of the tension in my chest as she was talking to me. She used a lot of words to try to help me understand what I had accomplised in the time I had to work with her (8 mos?)
> I know that she's trying to make our farewell as gentle as possible, but I haven't even begun to understand the effect it could have on my emotions.yes I have. and now I'm even putting words to them, and sharing the words
> will a single tear turn into a flood? Will I be punished for crying? Hate myself for showing my true feelings?
no. of course not> Can I summon up the courage to tell her how deeply I feel for her, when there are so few hours remaining in our relationship?
with a little help
> -LlShe used a few superlatives to describe the work we've been doing. Said that in a short while I had gotten deeper into issues more than almost any other client in her experience has (she's in her 60's). She thought I had made a lot of progress. I talked about how my hospitalization felt like I disappointed her, and she said that I was going to be in a process of collapsing...rebuilding...collapsing...rebuilding for a while, but that the rebuilding will be less painful and the collapses less devastating over time, until eventually I will be able to manage them on my own.
And she told me that the session was free as a graduation present (WOW!) and then gave me a hug. She smelled like fine perfume (I collect scents) I think probably Dior.
The first hug I ever got from a T. I will remember it forever. She said she will remember me forever too.
I will respond to each of you briefly, but I'm crazy busy right now. Trying to stay more busy than crazy. It's hard. really hard right now.
-Ll
>
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 16:59:09
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gardenergirl on June 6, 2007, at 21:37:09
Gg,
I'm so sorry for us both. Please dump on my thread in any way you find helpful. We can support, and get support together. It's no different than on other boards, where people post their experiences in response to another poster's circumstance.
grief. bittersweet. Sometimes sweet (like when I think of a particularly poignant moment). Other times bitter, when I wonder what I could have done differently, or ashamed of having said something the wrong way.His going away is a lot like me moving away to my new place and coming back only for a week to move my office etc. and have 2 more sessions.
It's hard. SO hard. I'm sorry that these feelings are so raw that you can commiserate with my pain.
take care,
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:00:51
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on June 6, 2007, at 21:46:41
> Why not show her a copy of your post? Would that make it easier or harder? I think it is important to let her know how you feel even if it means you get emotional. You are strong and will survive.
I basically shared with her everything I shared with you guys. it was good practice to write stuff on psychobabble first.
Thanks for your suggestion. I will continue to use it in the future with my new T. quieT.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:06:52
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » OzLand, posted by frida on June 6, 2007, at 22:51:03
> Hi..
>
> How painful to have to face this.
> I can't imagine saying goodbye to my T..my T told me. "Parting is such sweet sorrow" It's true, although I hope our parting is not as tragic as that famous story from Shakespeare.
>
> Does it have to be a definite goodbye? Maybe you can still keep in touch somehow? Maybe touch base once in a while...i don't know..That's one thing that helped me when terminating with pdoc. He said that he would miss me, and that my emails to him were really funny. He said that it was okay to tell him how I was doing from time to time, that he'd enjoy hearing from me.
My T has told me that she'll always be here, and that I could always count on her being here. I guess I could send her a Christmas card or a little note here and there, so that she will be reminded of me. I don't think that would bother her at all. Kind of like writing messages in a bottle. floating and bobbing their way to her...
My
>
> I think that printing this post would be a good idea..and a way to start telling her..
> maybe you can hand it over to her and she can read it with you and you can try to share?
>
> Sending you safety and support,
> Frida
>
thank you frida :..)-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:09:48
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by DAisym on June 7, 2007, at 0:57:19
Daisy, everything you wrote was so ... timely, and just feels right. Thank you for your ideas. I am starting to believe you, once I open up my heart a little bit, and start feeling my own reactions for the first time in a while
thank you
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:12:41
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:59:53
> Llurpy, i have big big BIG problems with issues around termination.. i can't bear to read the thread and i am sure the others have better advice than i am capable of giving.
>you underestimate your own wisdom and experience. It's okay, I know it's your depression, not YOU speaking.
> But my heart breaks for you. i can't imagine how you must feel. Perhaps now is a good time for writing about it lots?
yes. I am too busy though, but I will get a little break in a bit, and I can write about it then
> i am at a loss as to how i can help.. i am thinking about you, as little good as that might do.Thank you for being there Dory. That's a powerful gift of support. hugs for you, I know that it's tough right now. funny how two leaning people can hold hands and keep eachother from faling. see below for illustration
/-\
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:15:37
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination, posted by annierose on June 7, 2007, at 10:53:00
> Telling your therapist how much she means to you is scary. But from my own experience, it always ends up feeling darn good. I know it feels risky, however the rewards are worth it. She probably knows already how much you mean to her, you do let her know in your own way. Heck, who doesn't like to hear good news?
yeah. I think I was able to tell her this. it was hard, but I think i started to tell her.
>
> When I have trouble telling someone something, no matter the subject, my t reminds me, think how relieved you'll feel afterwards, and you might even feel better.
>
yeah. a weight. evaporated and less to carry
>
> Are you moving?
yes
thanks annierose,
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:17:54
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on June 7, 2007, at 13:41:03
> Gonna hurt bad, but she's taught you how to cope, and you will cope, and over time it will hurt a little less.you're right. she DID teach me how to cope. why didn't I think of that. muffled thought of it though. thanks
> Is there any possibility you can e-mail her, just to tell her how you doing? Just a touch base thing?
that's a good idea. I think I WILL tell her
> This sucks LL, but its gonna be OK.
> I not much for goodbyes.
> Damn, wish it could be easier.
> ((((((LL))))))
> Muffled(((((muff)))))
thank you,
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:20:01
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on June 8, 2007, at 22:07:34
I think I was able to tell her most everything without bringing my writing, but I will probably be writing to her for the last sessions.
you're right. so what if I cry. she's seen it before. she'll see it again, and it feels better to cry before her than before (almost) anyone else I know.
-Ll
Posted by OzLand on June 10, 2007, at 22:32:53
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » OzLand, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 17:00:51
Congrat's on the graduation and wishing you well.
OzLand
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 10:56:17
In reply to Re: psychological preparation for termination » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by OzLand on June 10, 2007, at 22:32:53
> Congrat's on the graduation and wishing you well.
>
> OzLandThanks Ozland,
I actually had a good time at graduation (minus the uncomfortable seating and the LONG ceremony). My family was on their best behavior, which was a focus of a lot of my surface anxieties in therapy. These surface anxieties no doubt masking the underlying fears-separation and abandonment (related to termination and graduation
-fear of the future (I'm unemployed, and my lifestyle, while comfortable, needs to change in order to fulfill certain dreams I have for myself, like buying a house and the car I've had my eye on for 4 years)
-fear of dying (by my own hand, unfortunately. Feel like I'm a danger to myself. bothersome)-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
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