Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
I'm scared to talk about termination. I can talk about the practical things, like billing and appt. schedules, but the feelings are bottled up pretty bad. constipation of the heart. I cry a little bit when I think about how much she has meant to me, but I can't seem to find a way to express, or even access the emotions I feel about ending what has been very productive and helpful therapizing.
I don't know how to screw up the courage to tell her how much i learned from her, or how much she has helped me. I cower before my own grief. Don't want to admit it to myself. Here I am though. I think it's starting. The crumbling of my defenses that have been raised since i first contemplated the big terminaTion.
Thing is, I've never been able to tell her how I feel about the relationship itself. Is it true that it has been the most steadfast relationship in my life? The most consistent? Is it true that I allow her to care about me more than I allow my own mother to?
This is one of those things that I know. Caring must come to an end, and Llurpsie must be prepared for it. My mom doles out caring in very capricious ways. Not until I was married did I understand what happens when I open my heart to someone, who takes it and nurtures it. Strangers are not to be trusted with feelings. Family must not see my emotions. bad consequences.
Lately I've felt like my whole heart has shut down amidst the chaos. The tenderness and affection I feel for my husband are hiding behind a wall I built to contain my emotions amist turmoil and stress. Too many transitions in my life. T only gets to see my daily anxieties, but she knows that there are some deep seated terrors that come to surface when I feel abandoned.
I know that she's trying to make our farewell as gentle as possible, but I haven't even begun to understand the effect it could have on my emotions.
will a single tear turn into a flood? Will I be punished for crying? Hate myself for showing my true feelings?
Can I summon up the courage to tell her how deeply I feel for her, when there are so few hours remaining in our relationship?
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:761538
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761538.html