Posted by gardenergirl on June 6, 2007, at 21:37:09
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
Llurpsie,
I'm right there with you on all those thoughts and feelings. It's almost as if you wrote what I've been thinking. And I know it feels lousy and all.I just told my T last week that I thought the end of the summer semester was an appropriate time to terminate. It just feels right, and there are also practical reasons for that time. We had set a date previously, but that turned out to be premature, so I get to go through the grief of termination for a second time now.
It's grief, no doubt about it. And whenever I think about it without immediately distracting myself, I start to bawl. I haven't yet really told my T how I feel about him and what it's all meant. I've tried some. But it's huge. It's really huge, and I don't know that I can do it without breaking down completely. I know he'd be okay with that, but I don't know that I would be. It's too terrifying. Plus, if he offered a hug, which I have no idea if he would or not, I'd worry that I'd get snot all over his shirt. Isn't that stupid? Of course I also worry that I'd have a hard time letting go.
I know that he wouldn't judge what I'd say to him, or make fun of, brush off, or any of the other fears I have related to rejection. I KNOW he wouldn't, but yet I still fear it. And what I would "offer", my caring, my vulnerability, ME essentially, is so huge and so important. It's such a damn risk.
And to top it all off, when I told him the date and he agreed, he told me he had to have surgery in a couple weeks, and he will be out for 2-4 weeks. Not long after he's back and just before termination he goes on vacation for two weeks. So we both said at the same time, "that doesn't leave us very many sessions at all." And that feels like rejection or abandonment deep down, too. At least I think that's what's behind the sobbing about that. Sigh. And then today I had to ask what his surgery was. I just had to ask. Stupid me. Because now I'm all upset about that, too.
Bah. Sorry to be all about me. What I really meant to say was that I get it, and I'm sorry, and I'm here for you. But frankly, it's been one of those days when no one was available to listen, so I'm taking the opportunity of your post to just dump, sorry.
(((((((llurpsie))))))))
As my T said, it sucks. And it's good. But it sucks, too.
Take care,
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:761538
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761544.html