Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 9, 2007, at 16:54:09
In reply to psychological preparation for termination, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 20:45:02
> I'm scared to talk about termination. I can talk about the practical things, like billing and appt. schedules, but the feelings are bottled up pretty bad. constipation of the heart. I cry a little bit when I think about how much she has meant to me, but I can't seem to find a way to express, or even access the emotions I feel about ending what has been very productive and helpful therapizing.
....It's hard for me to talk about our relationship at ALL. She recognized this and brought it up, and then handled my tears with sensitivity :..)
>
> I don't know how to screw up the courage to tell her how much i learned from her, or how much she has helped me. I cower before my own grief. Don't want to admit it to myself. Here I am though. I think it's starting. The crumbling of my defenses that have been raised since i first contemplated the big terminaTion....I think I even used these words. writing them out was good preparation and helped me figure out what to tell her
> Thing is, I've never been able to tell her how I feel about the relationship itself. Is it true that it has been the most steadfast relationship in my life? The most consistent? Is it true that I allow her to care about me more than I allow my own mother to?
>
...She told me that she KNEW that it was hard for many people to talk openly about the relationship. She said I was doing really well, even though it was so hard for me. (of course more tears dripping from my eyes
> This is one of those things that I know. Caring must come to an end, and Llurpsie must be prepared for it. My mom doles out caring in very capricious ways. Not until I was married did I understand what happens when I open my heart to someone, who takes it and nurtures it. Strangers are not to be trusted with feelings. Family must not see my emotions. bad consequences.We talked about this. She said that I am actually in a process of moving beyond my mothers neglect. She said that it will take some time, but that I am learning how to trust people who care about me. We spent a LOT of time talking about my mom, perhaps (she offered) I didn't want to say it, because she reminded me a little of my mom. true. but I could never tell her that.
>
> Lately I've felt like my whole heart has shut down amidst the chaos. The tenderness and affection I feel for my husband are hiding behind a wall I built to contain my emotions amist turmoil and stress. Too many transitions in my life. T only gets to see my daily anxieties, but she knows that there are some deep seated terrors that come to surface when I feel abandoned.I tried a dozen times to open my heart up and let go of the tension in my chest as she was talking to me. She used a lot of words to try to help me understand what I had accomplised in the time I had to work with her (8 mos?)
> I know that she's trying to make our farewell as gentle as possible, but I haven't even begun to understand the effect it could have on my emotions.yes I have. and now I'm even putting words to them, and sharing the words
> will a single tear turn into a flood? Will I be punished for crying? Hate myself for showing my true feelings?
no. of course not> Can I summon up the courage to tell her how deeply I feel for her, when there are so few hours remaining in our relationship?
with a little help
> -LlShe used a few superlatives to describe the work we've been doing. Said that in a short while I had gotten deeper into issues more than almost any other client in her experience has (she's in her 60's). She thought I had made a lot of progress. I talked about how my hospitalization felt like I disappointed her, and she said that I was going to be in a process of collapsing...rebuilding...collapsing...rebuilding for a while, but that the rebuilding will be less painful and the collapses less devastating over time, until eventually I will be able to manage them on my own.
And she told me that the session was free as a graduation present (WOW!) and then gave me a hug. She smelled like fine perfume (I collect scents) I think probably Dior.
The first hug I ever got from a T. I will remember it forever. She said she will remember me forever too.
I will respond to each of you briefly, but I'm crazy busy right now. Trying to stay more busy than crazy. It's hard. really hard right now.
-Ll
>
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:761538
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/762026.html