Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
feeling pretty crap after seeing mother, still.
i have felt so very bad for so very much of my life... that i really feel that i hate her. and i feel just awful about that. i mean... what kind of horrible horrible ungrateful person hates their own mother?
of course people who might be inclined to say that... haven't met mine. didn't have my mother for all those years...
so what is it that is so very awfully bad that my mother did to me? did she beat me so i needed to go to the ER? did she physically hurt me in ways that didn't show after masses of research?
no.
so what did she do that was so very very very very bad that justifies someone hating their mother?
i just... always have. ever since i could remember. all i ever wanted from her was for her to back off and calm down. back off. stop upsetting me. stop startling me. stop trying to wind me up. just piss off.
i hardly ever asked her for anything. anything i did ask of her i had to ask over and over and over and over and over. she would completely ignore me. i know that she heard it... she could repeat back to me what i just said... but she would simply ignore it.
shame... embarrassment... humiliation...
i guess those were the intense emotions that she could get out of me. except for all the screaming inside that i did curled up in my little ball.
if i had have never had her for my mother i think i would feel a lot more empathy for her. for her inabilities to relate to people.
it does me no good at all to try and interact with her now... i just can't deal.
i'm best to look forward to being the best person i can be. but yeah, i'm seriously deficient in so many ways... whatever. does no good to reflect on it... look forward... look up...
i am glad i made the decision never to inflict myself on another human being, so.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20141123/msgs/1074151.html