Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 18:15:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
i guess the idea is that people have good days and people have bad days. people have their strengths and people have their weaknesses.
my friends... there are things that we do enjoy doing together. or... it wouldn't be worth my spending time with them at all. for sure.
what do i enjoy about my mothers company?
i really do need to keep interaction very minimal indeed. basically... to the point where she is on her 'best behaviour' (her terms, actually) where she knows full well that i simply won't interact with her again for MONTHS if she tries to wind me up / does not back off when i indicate that that is what i need.
i need to not stay with my wellington friends. not for more than 2 or 3 days. and to basically do whatever one or the other of them wants to do for the whole time there. things went swimmingly when i stayed with them and i did just that. applied for jobs for one of them... talked philosophy stuff with the other of them... was there on demand for both of them... had all our meals together and lived in each others pockets...
(and what did i want?)
i am happy here. doing what i'm doing... which they don't approve of much. of course.
really great friend who was obnoxious in art galleries and at gardens. i think there is some objective - subjective thing that people struggle with... i used to... i did enough philosophy to think that i have resolved things to my satisfaction...
i think... that is what philosophy did for me. there was a bunch of stuff that i wanted / needed to know. psychology, too. all that psychopathology stuff. well... now i know. to my satisfaction.
i was productive until my mid-term got slammed. then i... couldn't really give my advisor anything anymore. then it got to the point i couldn't write anything anymore either. he didn't care about stuff i cared about and i didn't care about stuff he cared about and... people say you have supervisors who you work well with on the one hand and great institutions on the other. finding a good fit of both can be hard... i thought i'd be alright because i thought i was passionate and self motivated etc. i didn't properly appreciate just how supportive my previous supervisors etc had been. how important that really was to me. and the one i moved to... is notoriously hard to work with at the best of times.
so... my career got thrown away. i guess i could try... could try and make things work with the guy i worked well with before... but he's moved up in the world and even though he does remember me... i feel... embarrassed... and like a failure for having failed... and i don't really have much self confidence to even ask him... and i don't know what i want anymore... and given that i haven't been working on philosophy... i will do my best next year at this. see how my grades work out. reassess things. anyway... he came here for a dinner... things were a bit unclear... he said 'i didn't know'... about my being a consumer... about my being genuinely interested in his stuff and not pretending for a bit (as people seem to be able to pull of much better than me)... i don't know. but i do know... if i do want it... i need to really want it and i'll probably have to do something to persuade him of that. new writing samples or something. some investment of time / work. i... don't know that i have it in me. not right now, i don't. maybe in a couple years...
sometimes i look at my life... my mother... and i can't believe how far i've come... i'm feeling old. i'm starting to get baggy eyes in the morning. puffy. i'm feeling old... what will become of me? 4 hours walking and my feet were wrecked... i worked hard on soft tissue stuff for hospitality... never did more than 4 or 5 hour shift and my feet were almost crippled... do i really think i have it in my physically to run around a hospital all day / stand for hours for operations? what will become of me?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20141123/msgs/1074055.html