Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 16:23:45
it is this startle knee-jerk reactivity. the idea that you just go around expressing it. that that is what other people are... things that you express yourself at. in this knee-jerk reactive way.
how about when you are alone? one option is to smile gregariously / express yourself at every single person you meet along the way. i think it is called 'being friendly'.
and some people like it, i guess. i thought... one of my friends... i didn't understand why he tended to have female companions who were like that... and i realised... he liked it. he liked the dramas. he liked the intensity of feeling. they made him feel alive, somehow... but not me... i'm not like that.
perhaps it is about complexity. if you hate something or you love something those can be intense responses, for sure. reflect some more... what particular aspects? what about those particular aspects? what about other aspects of those aspects? or whatever... complexity.
but you need time and space to work through complexity. and / or access to others who have more complex thoughts... encourage you to think in more complex ways... if your mother didn't help you when you were three... maybe some other stranger can be persuaded... people... don't manage how to do it for themself... or... you need to play oh so f*ck*ng uncomplex indeed so they get to feel helpful...
i think that is why my mother likes to get me wound up. if i'm sleep deprived enough... if i'm stressed enough... i'll f*ck*ng lose it for a bit. and then... finally... she is calmer / helpful to me.
helpful. oh so helpful.
i told her i can only do small doses. she is on and on and on about how she wants me to come for longer. arrive earlier. leave later. stay the night. i'm like 'the only reason we have a good interaction is because it is so time limited.' but she will keep on and on and on and on... testing. pushing. continually.
fine.
but don't be surprised if i don't spend very much time with you.
i feel... so many things. humiliated. partly at / with her. going on in a loud f*ck*ng voice about how luxurious the new public bathrooms are. seeing people startle a bit to that. wondering what kind of slum this lady must live in. embarrassed... when have i ever seen her feel / express embarrassment? humiliation? shame? i don't think i've ever seen her express these things... she simply doesn't seem to have that response. she won't back off. like those psychopaths who won't stop hitting something after it's shown signs of submission... she won't stop with doing anything that results in others feeling embarrassed or ashamed or whatever for her / on her behalf. she simply won't... she'll keep on... like... she does sense that there is something there... something... something that she can work with... to intensify... to magnify... to work something up into a violent f*ck*ng rage... that seems to be it. then victory! she gets to be the victim. supplication to her... she has the power...
how can people bear people?
i simply can't understand.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20141123/msgs/1074053.html