Posted by TexasChic on October 13, 2005, at 17:23:47
In reply to Re: Okay, I have a couple of social events coming » Angela2, posted by TexasChic on October 12, 2005, at 15:51:12
I just had a crappy day at work today. I know I was taking things too personally, but I just couldn't get over being upset. I know it was partly the paranoia that I get time to time, but that doesn't help in the moment.
I went to ask my friend if they were going out for lunch today and she immediately said, "Can we take your car?" I have a extremely bad time with clutter, and my car is pretty trashed out. I've even had people comment just walking by it. Its just mindless disorganization, and I know its a part of my mental disorder somehow. I told her I'd rather not because it was messy and she said, "Well my car is full". I was like, "Oh okay, do you know who else is going?" And she said "No". So I walked off feeling a little rejected, but also realized what she said wasn't necessarily offensive, but could just be the plain truth.
Then when every one left I was alone with cute boy (who didn't go for some reason) and a female co-worker. She asked, "So why didn't you go?" And I said, "Well, she said her car was full". Her mouth dropped open and cute boy kinda laughed in a way I didn't really get at all. So I was like, "What?! I could have taken my car if I had wanted to, but I just didn't feel like it." I asked cute boy why he was laughing and he didn't respond. The girl said, "But who else could she have had in her car other than the three of them?" So then my paranioa set in. First about whether they for some reason didn't want me to join them, and then about why cute boy was laughing about it. He walked off and I asked her what he was laughing about (she sits next to him and knows him really well). "She said, he's just weird. That's just the way he is". This same girl told me the same thing when I was mad that he left without saying goodbye before the 3 month layoff. She seems to be trying to convince me its not personal, and that he just comes off that way sometimes. I know this is at least partially true. He does seem to have difficulty communicating in some ways, but still! (Sidenote: I'm getting very close to being able to let go of thet whole 'cute boy' situation. I'm obviously spending way too much energy on something that should happen natually. I'm trying very hard just to forget it and move on. If its meant to happen, it'll happen. Otherwise, I shouldn't have to do all the work).
Anyway, she kind of apologized about bringing up the whole, "Well why would they do that?" thing. Cute boy didn't come back until near the end of lunch, which really pissed me off. I was like, we spend so much time together, and if nothing else he seems to consider me a pretty good friend, so why wouldn't he ask if I wanted to go with him to eat after what had just transpired? Then I started thinking, I bet he went to join them, and nobody wanted me there and blah, blah, blah. I know its paranioa when this happens, but its still upsetting and I always have my doubts.
So when lunch was over I put on my headphones and didn't talk to anyone the rest of the day. When it came time to leave, I walked out without a word before everyone else. Of course the paranoia is saying, well why didn't they wonder why you were being so quiet? Why didn't they call and ask why you left so abruptly?
In addition to that, a group of us were supposed to bowl today after work, which is a regular thing (that includes cute boy). So I also totally blew that off as well.
Arg!!!! Its just so hard to tell the real thing from the paranoia. I can usually work it out later, but in the middle of it I just can't think reasonably. At least when I get like this I clam up, which means I can feign innocence later when I'm thinking reasonably again. But the ignoring thing can and has backfired on me big time. And I know I'm being totally immature. I just don't know what else to do in those situations.
Anyway, this is just a rant. It helps just to get it out sometimes. I've never been able to write in a journal - I feel weird writing to myself. So instead I vent here. I am completely aware this is one of those obssesive compulsive moments where my mind is a little out of my control. I think I just need a hug.
-T
poster:TexasChic
thread:564984
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051007/msgs/566540.html