Posted by noa on June 7, 2003, at 16:04:17
In reply to Re: social anxiety/phobia - anyone else?, posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 2:36:30
>Sometimes I don't know if it's just shyness or if it's social phobia.
I don't think there can really be a clear distinction between what is a normal trait variation and what is a problem requiring treatment, but I think the best way to decide this is to ask yourself how much it gets in the way of your ability to function in your life.
For me, psychotherapy helped a lot for most aspects of social anxiety. Social anxiety isn't what got me into treatment, though. It was depression. But I think they go hand in hand for me. It helped a lot to learn to recognize the anxiety signals in my body and then to not automatically interpret them in the old ways, and to use strategies to cope. Also, I've learned to respect my own preferences about what kinds of social situations to participate in and not. I have come to see some of the problem as having something to do with how I process sensory stimuli, so for instance, very noisy situations, or very crowded situations--I allow myself to try to avoid if possible. I also know that I have difficulty processing what someone is saying if there is too much auditory distraction around me. I think that this adds to the anxiety that I experience in certain situations---getting nervous because I'm trying so hard to listen to someone and understand what they are saying and screen out all the other noise that is getting in the way. I guess visual distractions are also a problem, but I have been better at learning how to screen them by keeping my eyes focused intently on what I'm trying to focus on. When I was a teenager, the glitzy malls were starting to pop up, and "going to the mall" became an activity. I used to find them rather overstimulating, and although I would go, I don't think I enjoyed it as much as my friends. There are some malls I won't go to even now. And some that I do go to but with a kind of patterned "itinerary" of the stores I need to see, rather than just meandering. All those lights and things--too much.
But for me, the auditory is much worse. But I am so much better at managing it now. First by avoiding the situations that are over-the-top overstimulating. And in ordinary situations, like at work, I am just more assertive about it. So for instance, once at work there was a large meeting and then the boss told certain people to stay afterward for a brief update on something. Well, all the rest of the big crowd was still hanging around in this large room, and the smaller group of us was kind of huddling in one part of the room. The boss was giving us information but all around us it was still so noisy. I just raised my hand and kind of assertively interrupted to say that I was having difficulty processing what she was saying because of all of the noise in the room. So, she asked the other people to just wait quietly for 3 minutes while we went over the briefing and then they could hang out and socialize more. People complied and she got her info to us and it was done. I admit it took some guts of me to do that,and since no one in the smaller huddle said anything to me about it afterward, I assume I was the only one to whom it mattered. That may be because I was new there and maybe they had all grown accustomed to this practice of huddling and trying to shout so as to be heard above the ambient noise. I don't know. I don't really care. All I know is that it was a dysfunctional situation for me and it was worth trying to call it to her attention. And it worked.
At work, I tend to close my door more because of the auditory distractibility. That came up as an issue in my evaluation a few years ago. Apparently one of my team-mates had complained. It appeared in my eval as a vague statement of "complaints have been received" which of course irked me a lot. And it went on to draw assumptions as to why my door was closed, that were baseless. I simply told my boss the real reason and then put up a greeting system on my door with changeable signs that say things like "I'm here, please knock" and "stepped out, back in a few minutes" and "meeting in progress, do not disturb" (which I also sometimes use when I'm on important calls), etc. and I made a big display, calling all my team-mates to see my new sign system and explain that it had come to my attention that it was a problem for others that my door is closed sometimes, and that I need to keep my door closed because I am auditorally distractible, etc. and that, by the way, if anyone ever has concerns about me that I'd like them to come directly to me to discuss it before deciding to go above me to my supervisor. The part I loved is the looks on the faces of the two people who I had and continue to have a good idea were the ones who complained about my door being closed.
Anyway, I surely digressed here, probably because workplace frustrations are on my mind big time lately, but all of this is to illustrate that I decided I do not have to conform to being just like everyone else. Other people are able to work with their doors open. Fine for them. I can't, and I needed to correct their misinterpretations of why my door was closed. Same with social events. I can't, nor do I want to, avoid all social events that take me out of my comfort zone, but I am able to feel like I can set limits and not subject myself to situations that are extremely challenging for me and set my social anxiety off in a big way. And with the obligatory social appearances, sometimes there are ways to mediate the challenge--you know, arrive late, leave early, or take breaks (sometimes I go outside for fresh air, or take bathroom breaks a lot, etc.), find someone who is an ally you can stick with, etc., or even take on a specific role that gets you out of the main fray by offering to help in some way. Ever notice how some people like to go right for the kitchen at a party and offer to help? That is how they are dealing with their anxiety, although they might not even know it! Others go right for the bar, of course, because as much as people say they like to be at parties, I think that many cannot handle it without liquor.
I guess I also have to add that age helps in getting more assertive about taking care of my needs and feeling entitled not to have to fit in so much. Back in college, I was so quiet in classes. I even felt like I wasn't really part of the class, just observing--that all the other students were the real students, and they knew what they were doing there and felt free to participate. I was so easily intimidated by just about everything back then. Now, it is hard to shut me up sometimes in meetings. There are still things that intimidate me, for sure, but nothing like when I was younger. I think it is experience that helps, because it gives you a bigger perspective on what is really important, too, so all of the things that add to feeling intimidated in social situations when we are young, are in much better perspective now.
But as I said, social anxiety isn't my most debilitating problem--depression is. For people who have severe social anxiety, I think some may find that therapy and aging isn't enough, and that medication can help a lot.
poster:noa
thread:228801
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/232210.html