Posted by Angel Girl on April 22, 2002, at 11:14:11
In reply to Re: Definition of a Friend - Angel Girl, posted by Chris A. on April 20, 2002, at 16:56:29
Hi everybody
I'm sorry I 'disappeared'. That is my MO when I'm down. I'm really working on not doing that anymore as I know people will worry when they don't hear from me.
I want to thank all of you for your very warm, thoughtful, informative and insightful responses.
I don't have any 'real' friends where I live. I've been a loner for years. The friends I have are all on the internet. Some of them I've had for years, some I've met recently. And just to clear something up, I was wrong when I said I only had 2 friends left. I have recently made some new friends that I have met through this msg board that I cherish deeply.
I totally agree with all your definitions of a friend. I think you're right, my friends have left me because they feel they were doing me more harm than good by staying with me. They felt that they were enabling my depression. My last suicide attempt was proof to them that I wasn't serious about getting better. They also consider my suicide attempt as being me being manipulative and playing mind games with them since I didn't follow through with it. They have much anger and have said extremely harsh words to me. They choose to walk away from me until they can see I am getting better. I'm confused on when they think that'll be if they don't talk with me. These are friends that I met on another message board.
They have misinterpretted things I've said and the suicide attempt. It was never about them, it was about me. I wan't to end the pain. That's it. In my state of mind at the time, I never even thought about them, I couldn't get beyond my own pain.
I had the opportunity to talk with my 'best friend' a couple of nights ago on AOL instant messenger. We each, without anger, told the other how we saw things from our own perspectives. This is the first opportunity any of them have given me to even speak about my actions or words. But the conversation was pointless. She went into it with a closed mind and tunnel vision with her mind already made up and there was nothing that I could say that would help her to think otherwise. She chooses to 'judge' me on where I was months ago and not where I am today. In the last 3 weeks I have grown and I'm not the same person anymore. I have not contemplated suicide since then. I don't think I ever will again. But she can't get past where I was before to see where I am now. I don't want to be judged on my past. That's gone, I'm not that same person anymore. Yes, I'm still depressed but I'm not down every day. In fact, now I have more good days than bad. I actually had more than 2 weeks solid of very good days. But they didn't see that because they weren't talking with me and still don't. Those friendships will never be the same if they ever decide they want to pick up with me again. And that's what saddens me. Before my depression, we were EXTREMELY close. I want that back and it's never going to happen. Too much has transpired. I have to find a way to accept that.
But I've also discovered that I have other friendships on that message board that I didn't realize I had. And I've made new friendship through this message board. I treasure all these friendships and hold them dear.
Also, I would like to talk about sar. I never knew her but I can see she is very fondly loved here and missed terribly. I read all the posts regarding her untimely death. It really had an effect on me even though I never talked to her even once or was even familiar with who she was. I was suicidal at the time. I was sad. Sad for her death, for the loss that you all are suffering, for the outpouring of tears and sorrow you all share. I was also feeling worried, worried that maybe the fact that somebody here could commit suicide that maybe it would give somebody else here the courage to follow through on their own suicidal thoughts. And then there was my feelings of guilt because I too was feeling suicidal. I thought how could I do it, look how many people on this message board alone were affected by the loss of sar. It made me stop and think about my own suicidal thoughts and what effect it would have. I don't feel suicidal anymore, I do still think of my own death, but not in the way that I would act on it. So, as much as you all are grieving the loss of your friend sar, my life has been saved partially because her's was not. I sincerely hope that my words do not bring any disrespect to sar or her memory and that nobody is offended. It's certainly not my intention at all.
For all those that have lost friends due to your depression, my heart and prayers are with you. I know your pain. It hurts, it hurts like hell.
Sarah ~ Yes, I have contacted that place that you gave me and I was there on Friday for my orientation. Now, my pdoc, GP and therapist have to forward their records on me and then I will be called back for an assessment to find out if I will be accepted. I'm very optimistic of getting in there and am looking forward to it. However, there is a 2 to 3 month waiting list. I will see if my doctors and therapist can express some urgency for treatment that will hopefully bump me up the list somewhat and get me in sooner. I live in Canada, and the mental health field here is extremely lacking in sufficient resources and waiting times are significant. I thank you for doing that research and finding them for me. This is the place where I feel will be able to give me the treatment I so desperately need.
Again, I thank you all for your words of wisdom, your love and your support. I'm sorry that I worried you when I 'disappeared'.
With love,
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:22189
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22412.html