Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2005, at 1:39:37
In reply to Re: going to quit therapy, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2005, at 1:25:16
and what sucks is knowing that if i really crash...
there is nothing that i can do
except that thing that you aren't supposed to do
that thing where people (after the fact) say 'oh my god i had no idea why on earth didn't she contact us?!)
but of course when you contact them (before the fact) you get 'why the hell are you calling us for and what do you expect us to do' and (implicitly) 'why don't you just f*ck off you insignificant piece of sh*t'and that there really isn't anything i can do...
except...
the typical things to get admission.
and i do so hate myself that it has to come to that
that i do have to manipulate and swindle
because there really isn't any other way that i can see
there are other ways when you work with someone and they get to know you...
but when thats not happening then there really isn't any other way.and i do wonder...
i do start to wonder at times...
abotu just how much the system has PROVOKED and ELICITED certain behaviours from me...
about just how much my problems (which are very real from my pov) have been created as an ARTIFACT of treatment...
Or more to the point
(excuse me for saying so)
F*cking INCOMPETENT treatment.Because what do you have to do?
What do you have to say?
To get a little help?
What do you have to do?
What do you have to say?
To get them to see you as a person instead of making all sorts of judgements and assumptions and predictions on the basis of their experience with other people who have the same dx as you?And so is it so very suprising that i get something that most people haven't seen before
(Now you can't judge me you f*ckers)
Is it so very suprising that I lose time
(Thats one way to get into hospital)
From my pov its very real...
But sometimes I do start to wonder...And mostly I'm just so f*cked off
so f*cked off
they gave me this
they gave it to me
they elicited
they reinforced
and now what do they expect?
what did they want?i understand now.
i understand.
they just wanted an excuse to have nothing to do with me.
thats what its about
thats what its always about
they won't work with me because therapy doesn't help me
they won't work with me because i'm all better now
they won't work with me because i'm too sick
excuses
and the excuses are inconsistent with one another
and when one excuse is shown to be false
they just invent another
not even caring if it conflictsand its pathetic
they are patheticbut i have to see...
i really have to see...that there is a message
and it is so very loud
it is so very clear
and it is something that i just can't accept
i just can't
because then there isn't any hope
and if there isn't any hope then there isn't any pointand i don't know what to do
i don't know what is to be doneand not everybody finds it hard to act according to their beliefs
and maybe...
i'm sicker than i think
and i dont' knowexcept that what are you supposed to do
when you have to use to get through
(otherwise you are counting th emeds in your stock and thinking about certain things you need to obtain)
but then using...
well...
the crash is inevitableand i don't understand what i'm supposed to do
except to stoppit
which i cannot
or to curl up and die
an di wish you could do it
just by willing it so
just by will.im sorry.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:563562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/563587.html