Posted by antigua on January 6, 2004, at 17:26:48
In reply to Neurontin, Take me away! » DaisyM, posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 17:04:55
I haven't corresponded w/you before but I do want you to know how wonderful I think you are. You are very brave and you are taking the steps you need to--no matter how hard or impossible they may be.
I speak from experience. I haven't written this here before but maybe it's time. My father died 12 years ago. I was very close to him most of my life; he was my world when I was a little girl and I cared for him while he was dying. It wasn't until after he died that I started to realize/remember/acknowledge (whatever you want to call it) that he sexually abused me when I was a very young child. Everything was clouded by how much I loved him. My initial defense was that if I couldn't remember it, it didn't really happen, and it took my therapist many years to convince me to believe in myself and what I was remembering. There were just too many signs to ignore.
I now remember a lot more of what happened to me. I truly believe I could never have done this while he was still alive. While I have snapshots of memories the hardest part has been trying to get in touch w/my feelings about all this. I mean I loved my father more than anyone and how could someone who loved me have done these things to me?? I have been doing EMDR to reach the feelings and (un)fortunately it has really worked. I remember how badly I felt, how shamed and disgusted I felt--I never felt badly about him.
Today I had my EMDR session and it was very hard. My T was trying to get me to reach the anger, the anger that every single T, friend, counselor, etc. has said that I have but which I cannot acknowledge or let go of, or let out. I am too afraid to let the anger come out because I am afraid that I will lose control. We talked a lot about losing control. You know, the old "what's the worst that could happen" talk. I don't know what the worst is but I cannot face it, it is much too frightening. My T says that's the little girl talking and I am safe now, but it still feels exactly the same. It's as if I let the anger out then all the walls and defenses I have so carefully constructed will come tumbling down. And if the walls come down, what do I have left?
My regular therapist says that we will go as slow as I need to. But after 12 years, even I think it's about time I let it go. I still can't seem to do that, which leads me to believe that there is still so much I don't know and so much I still have to be afraid of.
As to my mother, I haven't told her about all this because I haven't wanted that relationship to change. I'm not strong enough for that either. Again, I love her very much.
In any case, you are not alone. My biggest obstacle has been reconciling my feelings of great love for my father with the beast that he would become when he came into my room at night.
I hope this isn't too much for you. I wish you well--you are doing a really good job.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/297299.html