Posted by Karen_kay on January 6, 2004, at 17:04:55
In reply to It is OK to lose control » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on January 6, 2004, at 15:21:06
We talked. And talked. And it lasted forever. I told him that I didn't like him and that I didn't trust him. He asked if that was really true. I said that I did like him but that sometimes I trusted him but sometimes I don't.
I told him how much it upset me that he thought I was playing some sort of joke on him and he didn't call me back. I told him that it actually made me cry, and it did. He said that in the past "girls" have called him with their friends laughing in the background and he thought it was the same situation. I told him that it hurt me that he thought I would want to waste his time like that. And it did HURT me. And I swear I thought he was going to cry! He aid he was sorry and I believe him. I guess we all make mistakes, I'll let it go but when he makes me mad in the future, I'll bring it up because I'm like that. I wish I wasn't but I am.
He also said that he puts me in the situation where I need to be more assertive and say that I don't want to discuss the matter and further. And I told him that hurts me to. That he's jsut reaffirming in my head that I can't trust men, that they just continue to "set me up" and put me in situations that I have no control.
He said that he cared about me...Ahhh!!! Isn't that sweet??? And that he isn't going to hurt me. That our relationship is different than others I've had in the past. But, I don't believe him. So, sat there for about 5 minutes and processed it. But, this time I told him what I was thinking afterwards (YAHOO!!!!! I did it!!!) I said.. Well, I know that he won't hurt me. And I know why I don't trust men. And I know that logically he can't hurt me, but he's caused me alot of pain. Before I came in, I adored my father. And I still do, honestly. I'm able to seperate things. But, I just can't trust him because I think and *feel* like he's going to hurt me. And I feel like his motivations behind everything he says are manipulative. And I told him I'm just projecting my feelings, I realize this, logically. But, I just feel this way. I an't help it. I want to change it, I really do... I just don't know how... I told him that it would be helpful if before he said something he would make a statement explaining the motivations behind it. He said that then he would be giving away the tricks of the trade....
He said that my anxiety is from the last dream I had. It makes sense. That is when it started. It was a powerful dream. And it coincides with a memory that was brought up to. He says that it is my defences trying to say, "It's too early for you to remember this, you aren't ready yet." That makes sense as well. I've been avoiding thinking about the dream.
He says that if I feel that he is pushing me too hard then he will back off. But, maybe he isn't really. Maybe it is just me trying to avoid everything, as I am apt to do.
He's a really good therapist. I think I'm going to write him a thank you card now :) It was a good session. I have to call to reschedule, as I didn't have my class schedule with me. He said, I promise I'll call you back. And I believe him. I want so much to trust him. It is just so very hard. And he wants me to cry. But like you said, if I cry about the things I should cry aobut, I'm afraid I'll never stop. If I *feel* like I should about hte things I should feel about, I'm afraid I'll go insane. It's so much easier not to feel anything about the things I should feel, you know? I mean, I don't even know how I should feel aobut what happened to me. I don't want to feel bad things about my father or my mother for what happened to me because I'm afraid I won't be able to seperate those feelings from the love I have for those people. And I DO love my father. I love him so very much. And I miss him and wish he was still alive. I'd live through all of that again, jsut to have more time with him.
There, now I'm crying... Where's Mark when I need him?? :)
poster:Karen_kay
thread:294726
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040102/msgs/297291.html