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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 10:40:30
In reply to Re: Why does suicide seem like an option? » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 23, 2014, at 9:57:30
It is as if his reality has nothing to do with mine. He puts his in all these little boxes and carries on. I have one big box.
Posted by Poet on March 23, 2014, at 12:07:05
In reply to Why does suicide seem like an option?, posted by Partlycloudy on March 22, 2014, at 19:51:44
Hi PC,
The S word, I think about it, I've told my therapist that if life gets unbearable I will consider what she calls checking myself out. No, it shouldn't be on the table, but sometimes like the elephant in the room it shows up.
Alcohol isn't the answer either, but for me it takes the edge off, but I can handle it and I don't know your history with it.
Maybe go to a movie? Movies for me have always been a good escape, I live someone else's life for a few hours. I suggest a comedy, but then I love a good "downer" film. Keep in mind my degree in Film History is rearing it's useless knowledge, so take my advice with salt on your popcorn.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 12:43:38
In reply to Re: Why does suicide seem like an option?, posted by Poet on March 23, 2014, at 12:07:05
I went to the community dock (it's PartlyCloudy today) and sat there with my sunglasses on, crying. I saw a pod of 4 dolphins and a single one. It just about broke my heart. I would have thought the boat traffic was too heavy for them, with the Spring Breakers about, but there they were.
They are my saviours.
So hard to be outside. So vulnerable.I took the whole s word out. Now I am just miserable. That's a step up.
Posted by Toph on March 23, 2014, at 13:38:30
In reply to Why does suicide seem like an option?, posted by Partlycloudy on March 22, 2014, at 19:51:44
I don't know if you mentioned suicide in the subject to draw attention, but while it is always an option you have to make a pact with yourself that it is never an option. In the dark depths of depression it seems like the only option. I first wished and literally prayed to die when I was 7-years old. I had elaborate plans in college, and when my marriage failed I considered all manor of violence to myself and others. I considered myself a coward each time for not being able to accomplish the act. Healthy, I realize that self-preservation is a strength, and as clichéd as it sounds, for you this too will pass. But I do not try to minimize your feelings PC, for things must really suck to be thinking this way.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 13:38:51
In reply to Re: Why does s seem like an option? » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 12:43:38
I was "in remission" from alcoholism for going on 7 years. Knew I had been getting shaky along with the marriage, but have never responded positively to the 12 step model. When our kitchen remodel started - a year ago and counting - I would buy beer for the contractor and the Gatorade. And I would join them at the end of the day.
One beer becomes two.
Beer becomes wine so there is more beer for the guys.
Hard liquor just came back last week.It's as bad as when I started. Self hate is right there, too. What. Great reason to drink!! See how crappy a person I am - for sticking around, for not pursuing divorce. Ya da ya da ya da. All mixed up in the crying.
Husband joined in until he didn't. Stops and starts and stops without an apparent effort. (But noooo, he doesn't come from an alcoholic family.)
F*ck.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 14:18:39
In reply to Re: Why does suicide seem like an option? » Partlycloudy, posted by Toph on March 23, 2014, at 13:38:30
Posted by alexandra_k on March 23, 2014, at 16:02:21
In reply to F*ck you (nm) » Toph, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 14:18:39
I'm pretty sure that Toph was trying to relate to you.
Read past the first line, PC.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 23, 2014, at 16:06:28
In reply to Re: Ouch » Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on March 23, 2014, at 16:02:21
Can be how you feel worse than you felt before you started drinking afterwards. It is like smoking... Or sugar... Or coffee... Seems to pick you up for a bit but then dumps you back into even worse depths.
Glad to hear that you are getting out a bit. Guess it is still crazy season with spring break... It can be good to cry sometimes... Not sure why... But I often find my most genuine and... Healing... Tears when I'm outside. Something about nature gets me feeling... But not ruminating in harmful ways. A little bit soothing.
Are there trails or something? Thinking of half hour ones or one hour ones... Can be nice to walk. Can be nice to get that solitude so you can cry if you feel like it and commune with nature. Enjoy the sights and sounds.
It is funny (odd) how different people live very different lives... I mean... Some people hardly ever spend any time at home at all. Really just go back there to sleep. Eat out... Etc... I... Really don't think that I could live like that... But lots of people do. Just thinking back on how my previous living situation was fairly unbearable... It helped me a lot to plan day trips away. Minimise time spent.
Posted by Poet on March 23, 2014, at 16:11:26
In reply to Re: Why does s seem like an option? » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 12:43:38
Taking the S word off the table is definitely a step up. Watching dolphins even if you're crying is another step up. Such smart and beautiful creatures.
Thanks for sharing your history with alcohol, I think the mind boggling stress between the remodeling and your marriage finally broke what was left of your spirit.
Keep taking steps and mind the gap.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 19:24:24
In reply to Re: Ouch » Partlycloudy, posted by alexandra_k on March 23, 2014, at 16:02:21
I don't need any more talking down/to/ today, Toph crossed several lines with me.
I am going to take a break for a bit. I am not doing well here.
Going inpatient isn't an option, but I have quit drinking before and it is actually easier with practise for me.I'll be back.
Posted by SLS on March 23, 2014, at 19:26:28
In reply to Re: Ouch » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 19:24:24
> I'll be back.
Good.
See you soon...
- Scott
Posted by Phillipa on March 23, 2014, at 20:34:09
In reply to Re: Ouch » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on March 23, 2014, at 19:26:28
PC didn't campral help before? Phillipa
Posted by Toph on March 23, 2014, at 21:25:09
In reply to F*ck you (nm) » Toph, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 14:18:39
I wanted to address the two main reasons someone mentions suicide but apparently I didn't to it very sensitively. I'm sorry PC. Hope you feel better soon.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 27, 2014, at 19:20:36
In reply to Alcohol, posted by Partlycloudy on March 23, 2014, at 13:38:51
Withdrawal is a bitch. I hadn't slipped for very long, but escalated rapidly.
Now I'm at the "Oh, yeah, THIS part," blech part. Headaches that aren't hangovers but your brain simply hurting. I drink a lot of clear decaf tea, water. Serious sugar cravings, so I am trying to eat fruit. Carbs don't seem to be an issue yet.
And I sleep. Weird dreams, perpetually tired. I can see the direct correlation to depression, what a surprise.I hate addiction. I think I would slap anyone who would refer to alcoholism as anything but a disease. How on earth has my liver survived? But it's the brain, the brain that changed and did it for good.
I am terribly sorry for acting out here in the depths of my self induced misery, as sincere as it has been. One problem at a time.
Posted by baseball55 on March 27, 2014, at 19:54:58
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Partlycloudy, posted by Partlycloudy on March 27, 2014, at 19:20:36
I know the feeling completely. I have to remind myself, when I feel bad, that alcohol ultimately makes me feel worse. After that nice mellow feeling wears off - the hangover, the feeling poisoned, the screwed up sleep. But I relapse on and off. Chasing that nice mellow feeling, then ruining it by drinking too much.
> Withdrawal is a bitch. I hadn't slipped for very long, but escalated rapidly.
> Now I'm at the "Oh, yeah, THIS part," blech part. Headaches that aren't hangovers but your brain simply hurting. I drink a lot of clear decaf tea, water. Serious sugar cravings, so I am trying to eat fruit. Carbs don't seem to be an issue yet.
> And I sleep. Weird dreams, perpetually tired. I can see the direct correlation to depression, what a surprise.
>
> I hate addiction. I think I would slap anyone who would refer to alcoholism as anything but a disease. How on earth has my liver survived? But it's the brain, the brain that changed and did it for good.
>
> I am terribly sorry for acting out here in the depths of my self induced misery, as sincere as it has been. One problem at a time.
Posted by Phillipa on March 27, 2014, at 20:40:00
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Partlycloudy, posted by Partlycloudy on March 27, 2014, at 19:20:36
I always felt good all the tie with four beers a night. Over 15 years ago when quit is when I started feeling bad. Strange no? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 28, 2014, at 7:00:46
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 27, 2014, at 20:40:00
Not really, Phillipa. It was when I stopped drinking that all the mental issues it had been masking came to the surface. Very common.
I am grateful that this period was brief enough that the psychological craving didn't return.
Take care
PC
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2014, at 19:34:44
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 28, 2014, at 7:00:46
Before then and when living in VA Beach drank nothing and felt fine. I think that the couple of years I drank I'm grateful I stopped. Always had been one to just drink when socially out to dinner or at a party. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 28, 2014, at 22:08:51
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2014, at 19:34:44
> Before then and when living in VA Beach drank nothing and felt fine. I think that the couple of years I drank I'm grateful I stopped. Always had been one to just drink when socially out to dinner or at a party. Phillipa
With all the theories floating around, I am more than sure I was hard wired for this. Trained from infancy, and took care of my severely alcoholic father before I finished high school. It was pretty much my only coping tool.
And most recently it became my tool of revenge, badly chosen. Too bad there aren't any do-overs, eh?
PC
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2014, at 22:33:54
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 28, 2014, at 22:08:51
It's an interesting topic. As you always well maybe not always. But it seems that those that have three or four are always or a lot of the time happy and don't take pills. So which is better? Pills or maybe alcohol is the original happy pill? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 17, 2014, at 19:44:11
In reply to Re: Alcohol » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2014, at 22:33:54
The entire subject is going to be addressed as I take an extended leave from this forum and get real treatment. I can't do it alone, I need a quiet, professional place that's away from home. I found a holistic, positive, non 12 step based facility that sounds like it will suit my needs without putting me into a cookie cutter shape.
I hope to return with a clear head and the confidence to go forward with any plan without the cloud of addiction. It's a relief and scary at the same time.
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 17, 2014, at 19:45:45
In reply to Being a deceased, posted by Partlycloudy on April 17, 2014, at 19:44:11
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2014, at 20:40:42
In reply to Re: OMG wrong title of post! 'Being Addressed' (nm), posted by Partlycloudy on April 17, 2014, at 19:45:45
PC so still drinking? Will be going inpatient to deal with this. I know you will do it as you did once before with campral I remember. Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2014, at 20:41:56
In reply to Being a deceased, posted by Partlycloudy on April 17, 2014, at 19:44:11
Best of luck and please do keep us posted? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 18, 2014, at 5:42:18
In reply to Re: Being a deceased » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2014, at 20:41:56
It will be a couple of months, and I am giving it my all. I can do this.
Thanks.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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