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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
I attended a school function for my son tonight. I'm positive my lack of social skills was appallingly evident. I'm sure I embarassed myself and him. And to top it off, I'm left overstimulated and exhausted, yet too wound up to relax.
That's it. I'm never doing anything even vaguely social ever again. That's what my husband is for. :(
Posted by TexasChic on January 31, 2006, at 21:30:14
In reply to I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
Oh I know that feeling. But usually it's not anywhere near as bad as you felt like it was. Most people understand shyness and nervousness in social situations. Plus, people in general are just weird - we don't stand out as bad as we think.
What did you think you did that was so bad?
-T
Posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:38:51
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Dinah, posted by TexasChic on January 31, 2006, at 21:30:14
I think you're probably right. I probably look through the experience with a fisheye lens and it's all distorted. I add the correct knowledge that my social skills are lacking, and blow it all out of proportion.
But I still think my son would be better served by having my husband attend those sort of things.
Posted by Gabbix2 on January 31, 2006, at 22:02:53
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Dinah, posted by TexasChic on January 31, 2006, at 21:30:14
Plus, people in general are just weird - we don't stand out as bad as we think.
>That's funny, it's absolutely true. I think that's why some of the comedy shows that last the longest are ones that really just show life the way it is. It's just more noticeable how quirky everyone is when someone writes it down.
Posted by Sarah T. on February 1, 2006, at 0:38:42
In reply to I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
Hi Dinah,
I doubt that you came across the way you fear you did. And even if you weren't the poster child for Emily Post, you can be sure that most other people are so self-involved or busy or tired, they probably didn't notice.
Have you had a change of meds that might have precipitated this social anxiety? Usually I don't care too much what other people think, but every so often, I've been on a medicine that makes me painfully concerned about what other people might be thinking of me. Needless to say, I'm unable to stay on meds like that for very long.
You said you felt over-stimulated when you left. I've noticed that often, when I'm exposed to flourescent lights for too long during the evening or at night, I feel "wired" for hours and am unable to relax.
Don't worry about it anymore. You were there for your son, and that's what's important.
Sarah
Posted by LegWarmers on February 1, 2006, at 0:47:43
In reply to I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
Im sure it wasnt as bad as you think, and they may have thought you were tired or anything.
Maybe you and your husband could go together.
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 10:01:07
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by LegWarmers on February 1, 2006, at 0:47:43
We usually do do these things together. That wasn't possible this time, and that's probably what made my anxiety greater than usual.
I feel a bit better this morning. People won't judge my son by me.
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 10:07:47
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Dinah, posted by Sarah T. on February 1, 2006, at 0:38:42
This isn't new social anxiety. Whenever possible my husband does birthday parties and that sort of things, and we do school things together. One of my problems is anxiety, but a big driver to the anxiety is my difficulty with social rhythms. I can't figure out the right time to enter a conversation any more than I can clap in time to music. :) One on one conversation is moderately ok. If you add a third person I tend to inadvertantly interrupt, and in a large group it becomes completely overwhelming.
I'll try not to worry about it, although my son was a bit angry with me. :(
Posted by TexasChic on February 1, 2006, at 17:50:27
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Sarah T., posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 10:07:47
If it had been me, I would have also tripped and fell flat on my face in front of everyone, and then spilled a drink (or two).
I'm sorry your son was angry about it. But kids are always completely mortified of their parents once the get a certain age. You could have behaved perfectly and he would have still been embarrassed because you are 'so uncool'.
-T
P.S. I also do that speaking up at the wrong time and interupting people. I understand what you mean about social rythmn. Apparently this white girl don't have it.
Posted by happyflower on February 1, 2006, at 18:14:23
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by TexasChic on February 1, 2006, at 17:50:27
Dinah, I agree with the others, I am sure you weren't as bad as you think you were.
My T says everyone feels like this, to different degrees, in social situations.
Plus "good for you" for still attending your sons function even without your husband. I am sure your son would have been heart broken if both of his parents didn't go. You did the right thing. :)
Now if you didn't go, because of your anxiety, and your son had no parents there to support him, then you would deserve to have your butt kicked! LOL But you did go, and tried to make the most of it, I am proud of you! :)
Posted by Phillipa on February 1, 2006, at 18:50:19
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by happyflower on February 1, 2006, at 18:14:23
Dinah the important thing is that you did go!!!Fondly,Phillipa
Posted by Judith22 on February 1, 2006, at 19:49:03
In reply to I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
Was it really that bad Dinah? (((dinah))) You shouldn't have to do something you feel uncomfortable doing, but you will be missing out on a whole lot. Wow, I should follow my own advice! lol.
Posted by sunny10 on February 2, 2006, at 7:55:28
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Sarah T., posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 10:07:47
> One on one conversation is moderately ok. If you add a third person I tend to inadvertantly interrupt, and in a large group it becomes completely overwhelming.
>
oh my gosh, I do this all of the time... does that indicate social anxiety?? Well, yes, I guess I am a bit socially anxious...Just remember that adults tend to judge other adults, not their children...
If anything, your child may get more loving attention because they think you're a moron.
I say that from personal experience here... I WAS the moron...
You are definitely NOT the moron. You showed up. That counts for more than anything you could possibly do or say wrong!
I have a tendency to not show up. I let my ex-husband go... mainly because I don't want to be spending time with HIM. Plus he is a control freak and I can never get a word in edgewise...
put indignant together with social anxiety and you can see why I don't go...I always make it to the plays that my son is in- mostly because they run for three days and I can go when his dad is NOT going. My son would rather have me come to those things anyway... he doesn't need BOTH parents to go to EVERY parent teacher conference!!!
I'm sure that you were no more "weird" than any other parent there.
We are all "weird", thus we are all "normal".
Posted by Dinah on February 2, 2006, at 20:27:49
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by sunny10 on February 2, 2006, at 7:55:28
I'm glad I'm not the only one with social rhythm challenges. :) It certainly feels as if I am, but maybe some of those other parents felt as uncomfortable as I did.
Posted by TexasChic on February 2, 2006, at 20:52:15
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on February 2, 2006, at 20:27:49
You can be sure of that. People just express it in different ways. Some people clam up, some babble like an idiot and get spastic and knock over things like I do. Its weird, I used to be the clam up kind. Its like in an effort to overcome my insecurities and shyness, I've gone in the opposite direction. Maybe someday I'll reach a happy medium, like when I'm 80 or something.
-T
Posted by fairywings on February 2, 2006, at 20:55:56
In reply to I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on January 31, 2006, at 21:16:35
this is just exactly how i feel! and i'm panicking that i have to go to one of these functions in a couple of weeks. panic, dread, i just want to avoid it. i know i'll beat myself up, and my head will swim. it s*cks. i told my husband i can't go on vacation, and i can't go to a funeral. every time i leave the house now i have an attack.
fw
Posted by TexasChic on February 2, 2006, at 21:26:32
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Dinah, posted by fairywings on February 2, 2006, at 20:55:56
The last funeral I went to was my Grandmother's. I overdosed on Xanax (combined with some pot) and had a complete blackout. During this blackout I insisted on going for drinks after the funeral. I proceeded to drink a large amount of alcohol and apparently acted like a complete idiot. But I waited until it was only in front of my sister, brother, and mom, so I can live with that (I apparently did okay talking to the people after the funeral, of which I have no memory). What I can't live with is that I then drove home with no memory of any of it whatsoever. That scared the crap out of me when I finally figured out what had happened. I'm so thankful I didn't hurt anyone. Someone was looking out for me that day. Maybe it was the spirit of my Grandmother - I could see her doing that.
I guess we all deal as best we can at that moment in time. No one else knows what's inside your head or what you've been through.
-T
P.S. I later asked my Mom why nobody tried to stop me from driving. She said I insisted I was okay. I said, drunk people ALWAYS say that! In their defense, they had NEVER seen me drunk before and were kind of freaked and befuddled by the whole thing.
Posted by Sarah T. on February 3, 2006, at 1:46:40
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » Sarah T., posted by Dinah on February 1, 2006, at 10:07:47
Hi Dinah,
I find it interesting that you think you have difficulty with social rhythms, such as knowing when to enter a conversation. I would have never guessed that about you from your writing content and style, which are always timed and expressed so well.
I think anxiety in social situations as well as performance anxiety (in the performing arts, for example) can be alleviated by thinking less about oneself and more about the other person or the audience. Articles and books about overcoming social anxiety usually advise thinking more about the other person in order take the focus off of oneself. Instead of thinking, "Oh, no! They must think I'm a fool. They must think I'm not wearing the right clothes. They must think I'm not pretty enough," try to think about the other person, listen to what they are saying, and try to make them feel at ease. According to these self-help books, the process of helping others feel at ease automatically makes one feel more at ease.
A long time ago, I read a book about stage fright. It was written by a musician who was told by her first violin teacher to think of the audience as a bunch of cabbage heads. The teacher thought that would help calm her student's anxiety, but it didn't work. Many years and many performances later, the author discovered that what helped her most was to think of her violin music as a gift to the people in the audience. This connected her to the audience, yet shifted the focus away from her and onto the music and the listeners. I like that idea.
Sarah
Posted by Sarah T. on February 3, 2006, at 1:57:31
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by sunny10 on February 2, 2006, at 7:55:28
> >>> >> >> You showed up. That counts for more than anything you could possibly do or say wrong!
> >Hi sunny10,
Your comment reminds me of something I heard recently: "Ninety percent of life is showing up." I think that quotation was attributed to Woody Allen, but I'll have to double check on that. In any event, if it's true, then Dinah gets 90% just for showing up.Sarah
Posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2006, at 7:32:28
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again, posted by Dinah on February 2, 2006, at 20:27:49
> I'm glad I'm not the only one with social rhythm challenges. :) It certainly feels as if I am, but maybe some of those other parents felt as uncomfortable as I did.
I'm sure of it.
We are a lot less alone than we feel we are...
Kisses - we're in this together!!
Posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2006, at 7:34:29
In reply to Re: Showing up » sunny10, posted by Sarah T. on February 3, 2006, at 1:57:31
yes, it was Woody Allen...
i just read it as the end to a preface in a book I started last night after I had written to Dinah...
Talk about synchronicity!!
Posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 9:35:55
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » fairywings, posted by TexasChic on February 2, 2006, at 21:26:32
> The last funeral I went to was my Grandmother's. I overdosed on Xanax
**Yeah, the funeral we're supposed to go to, when it happens that is, will be his grandmother. she's sick, and late 90's.
I take xanax too, I've been thinking i'll have to take some b4 i go to my son's school function.>>(combined with some pot) and had a complete blackout. What I can't live with is that I then drove home with no memory of any of it whatsoever.
***Yeah, that is really scary! My dad was an alcohlic and he used to do that. We all told his wife to take away his keys, but she wouldn't. Bec. she wouldn't, we had to have it forceablly done, thank goodness!
>>That scared the crap out of me when I finally figured out what had happened. I'm so thankful I didn't hurt anyone. Someone was looking out for me that day. Maybe it was the spirit of my Grandmother - I could see her doing that.
**I"m glad for you that you got home safely, no incident. So sorry about your grandmother.
>> P.S. I later asked my Mom why nobody tried to stop me from driving. She said I insisted I was okay. I said, drunk people ALWAYS say that! In their defense, they had NEVER seen me drunk before and were kind of freaked and befuddled by the whole thing.
***You're right, when ppl are drunk they don't realize it and think they can drive. Ppl need to take the bull by the horns and just take the keys. Easier said than done sometimes though. Do you ever feel like, after taking xanax maybe you shouldn't be driving? Does it affect you that way?
fw
Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2006, at 10:25:25
In reply to Re: Social Anxiety, etc. » Dinah, posted by Sarah T. on February 3, 2006, at 1:46:40
I'm a way different person in person.
I am not sure my social rhythm problems have to do with anxiety, since I also have those problems with groups that I feel perfectly comfortable with. I think there's just a few things that are a bit "off" about me. Or different. I don't mean to judge it negatively. It just is.
But I admittedly do also have social anxiety. I've always dealt with it personally by trying to find someone who looks just as, or more, uncomfortable than I do and trying to reach out to that person. It generally works fine.
The thing I'm embarassed about doing was bringing something up publicly that I had already brought up privately with the school. It wasn't out of line with what other parents expressed concerns were. And in fact less than some. But since I had already expressed the concern, I don't think I should have done so in the group again. And there was a bit of feedback, however gentle, that I shouldn't have.
Added to that was the fact that it was combined with my social rhythm difficulties so that it didn't mesh well with the other expressions of concerns and so stood out.
I'm sure we'll all get over it. But it reinforces my belief that I shouldn't be allowed out in public.
Which by the way is not only my conviction. My husband stopped socializing with coworkers when we got married and hasn't been very secretive about the fact that I tend to embarass him. Which is really ok, because it's something we've long acknowledged.
My therapist also acknowledges my social awkwardness, although he of course encourages me to get out and about anyway. He tries to coach me sometimes on what I do wrong.
I think the major problem is that I'm sensitive enough to nuance to pick up how I'm being received more than, say, my husband. But that's coupled with some eccentricities and social difficulties (like the rhythm) that make it impossible for me to make use of the subtle feedback I'm getting. Which is incredibly frustrating.
Posted by TexasChic on February 3, 2006, at 18:18:24
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » TexasChic, posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 9:35:55
Xanax usually never gives me any trouble. If anything, it will just make me sleepy. I get it in the .5 mg dosage, and usually break it in half.
I've read that the maximum dosage is 4mg. That's where I screwed up. They probably didn't mean all at once and without working up to it. I'm sure the pot contributed in some way too. I hadn't smoked any in a long time, and had only gotten it to help me through things.
I just realized, it took pills, pot, and alcohol for me to get through that funeral. I was very close to my Grandmother. I was her caregiver for several years. I think maybe I temporarily lost my mind that day.
-T
Posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 19:32:44
In reply to Re: I'm never leaving the house again » fairywings, posted by TexasChic on February 3, 2006, at 18:18:24
>
> I've read that the maximum dosage is 4mg. That's where I screwed up.OMG! Yes, I can see that! That's a lot of xanax, I think my max dose is supposed to be 1 mg. or .75 mg...something like that. No wonder I wasn't feeling like it kicked the anxiety.
>>They probably didn't mean all at once and without working up to it.
LOL, no probably not. I'm glad you're okay after all of that.
> I just realized, it took pills, pot, and alcohol for me to get through that funeral. I was very close to my Grandmother. I was her caregiver for several years. I think maybe I temporarily lost my mind that day.I'm really sorry. I don't know how long it's been, but I hope the pain has subsided a bit. I'm sure you have so many wonderful memories since you were so close. It's understandable you'd want to just get rid of the pain so badly. I took care of my grandfather, that was 20 years ago, and I still miss him, and think very fondly of him, but it hurts less now.
fw
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