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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
Hi everyone... Well, I don't really know if anyone has noticed my absence over the past month or so (and that isn't meant as some sort of self-pitying guilt trip as more of just a statement of fact, at least I don't think so!). I decided not to post for a while for various reasons, but I have been occasionally reading the posts. But I thought that I'd give an update about my life over the past few weeks.
Well, I went home for my sister's graduation. I moved last October 800 miles away from my family to start up a life for myself. It's been Hard to say the least, considering my already overwhelming depression before I even moved. But anyway. A week after coming backI broke up with the guy I'd been seeing for about 2 months. That was 2 weeks ago. I can't exactly say that I feel good about it, but I think that right now it is for the best. I have found that breakups are basically always hard, even if I am the one to initiate them.
My therapist of 6 months who was a student graduated a few weeks ago, and I am therefore no longer seeing her... which has been INCREDIBLY (and I can't emphasize this enough!) hard for me to deal with, almost unbearable. I am seeing someone new, someone older and more experienced, but it is the beginning and of course I just don't
feel yet like I can rely on her and all that. Besides, it doesn't matter because I still miss my old therapist so much and I think that I always will. I also have a psychiatrist who I really like (this is a first for me, to actually LIKE my psychiatrist instead of just tolerate them out of necessity). But both he and my therapist are away this weekend, which leaves me at times feeling very alone!! Also, my roomates are away, one of them is cat sitting and the other is gone for 3 weeks. There is a strange ironic-ness to how I feel about that, because most of the time I don't
really like having them around, not because I don't like them or anything, but they just don't know me very well and know about my very deep problems, and I find that it is just too much for me much of the time to have to deal with them being around. I don't really feel totally comfortable with them either. The ironic thing, though, is that since they aren't around, I feel a bit lonely or something, like no one would even notice if I just didn't come home kind of thing. I find it sad to think that I'm alone in the house and to come home and it's all dark and quiet. But another
thing is that they are both moving out in July and I am trying to find new roomates, which is an annoying task and of course I'm worried about having to adjust to living with new people when the time comes. I'm fairly shy and "aloof" with people that I don't know and even with people that I do know.I'm taking my GRE in a week from today. I actually have been studying and practicing and I think that I might do okay. Hopefully. Because I really don't want to have to take it again.
I feel shockingly good right now, which is why this post might sound almost cheerful. But I haven't felt nearly so good most of the time, which isn't different really than ever. Overall right now, I just have been feeling a sense of extreme bleakness about my life. I don't know how else to describe it exactly. I have not felt quite so suicidal recently as I have at other times, mainly I think because of this idea that if I were to kill myself, I'll never get the chance to know if my life can ever be better. I think that there is that potential, although I highly doubt it sometimes because it's
been this way for so long and I feel so sad and depressed when I think back over my life and how depressed I have been over the years. I can't think of a time since about age 14 or 15 that I have felt consistently okay for any length of time. I hate this.Also, I'm afraid of my depression basically ruining my life and my chosen career path. I am planning to go to graduate school for social work, and I basically feel like what if I can't do it? Like I am not emotionally stable enough to possibly be able to help others the way that I want to. I am also terrified of not even getting into the school that I want to go to, which is actually where I work now, but in the medical school, in psychiatry research.
Well, I know that this is quite long, so thanks for reading.
I am hoping that I can get through this weekend okay without going down again, which probably won't happen, but let's just hope.
Posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 16:17:39
In reply to UPDATE (long), posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
"I feel shockingly good right now, which is why this post might sound almost cheerful."
MM - so glad to hear this news!
Good for you!!!!!! And - good luck on your test
Lee
p.s. Do you attribute this improvement in mood to a medication or to any particular change in your life? I'm curious - because (like perhaps many others), I'm always holding out hope for "shockingly good!"
I've had one or two days like that in the five weeks, so I do know what you mean by the surprise of "shockingly good." I can't remember if you were/are on meds or not (I did remember the fact that you recently changed therapists).
Again - GOOD NEWS! So glad to hear it!
Posted by fallsfall on June 6, 2003, at 19:47:24
In reply to UPDATE (long), posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
> Hi everyone... Well, I don't really know if anyone has noticed my absence over the past month or so (and that isn't meant as some sort of self-pitying guilt trip as more of just a statement of fact, at least I don't think so!).
>I remember responding to a post or 2 of yours. I would have noticed that you were missing, but my brain doesn't work very well these days. I'm glad to have you back.
>
> My therapist of 6 months who was a student graduated a few weeks ago, and I am therefore no longer seeing her... which has been INCREDIBLY (and I can't emphasize this enough!) hard for me to deal with, almost unbearable. I am seeing someone new, someone older and more experienced, but it is the beginning and of course I just don't
> feel yet like I can rely on her and all that. Besides, it doesn't matter because I still miss my old therapist so much and I think that I always will.I told my therapist on Tuesday that I was going to go to someone else. She said I could see her until I get a new one - but I miss her already.
Looking for a new therapist is no fun!! I don't do short therapy, so it is a long term commitment (my last was 8 1/2 years). And it seems so important.
I also have a psychiatrist who I really like (this is a first for me, to actually LIKE my psychiatrist instead of just tolerate them out of necessity). But both he and my therapist are away this weekend, which leaves me at times feeling very alone!! Also, my roomates are away, one of them is cat sitting and the other is gone for 3 weeks. There is a strange ironic-ness to how I feel about that, because most of the time I don't
> really like having them around, not because I don't like them or anything, but they just don't know me very well and know about my very deep problems, and I find that it is just too much for me much of the time to have to deal with them being around. I don't really feel totally comfortable with them either. The ironic thing, though, is that since they aren't around, I feel a bit lonely or something, like no one would even notice if I just didn't come home kind of thing. I find it sad to think that I'm alone in the house and to come home and it's all dark and quiet.You have a lot of changes going on: new therapist, no boyfriend, roommates moving out. That's a lot. Do you have some other friends who can keep things stable for you? We're here. So if you are lonely you can post.
>
> I'm taking my GRE in a week from today.Good Luck!!!!!
>
if I were to kill myself, I'll never get the chance to know if my life can ever be better.This is one of the best reasons I've seen for staying alive.
>
> Also, I'm afraid of my depression basically ruining my life and my chosen career path. I am planning to go to graduate school for social work, and I basically feel like what if I can't do it? Like I am not emotionally stable enough to possibly be able to help others the way that I want to. I am also terrified of not even getting into the school that I want to go to, which is actually where I work now, but in the medical school, in psychiatry research.They call this "Fortune Telling" (it is one of the Cognitive Distortions). None of this has happened. You have no reason (that I know of) to know that this will happen.
>
> I am hoping that I can get through this weekend okay without going down again, which probably won't happen, but let's just hope.Well, I'll hope for you. If it gets bad, watch a movie or go for a walk or do something that will distract you. Your roomies will be back before you know it.
Posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 20:10:56
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » mmcasey, posted by leeran on June 6, 2003, at 16:17:39
Hi Lee -
Thanks for your support, as always!
> p.s. Do you attribute this improvement in mood to a medication or to any particular change in your life? I'm curious - because (like perhaps many others), I'm always holding out hope for "shockingly good!"
Possibly. I have been taking Lamictal for about a month, and I had thought for a couple of weeks that maybe it was doing something. I still think that it might be, but this past week until today was "less than good". I don't know if it's the medication, but it's the only thing I am on right now besides trazodone to sleep. I don't feel good, but I don't feel too bad either, which is more than I can say for most of the time. Even by "shockingly good" I think that what that means to me is what most people might call decent - ie feeling okay as opposed to feeling pretty much horrible. Not shockingly good as in hyper or manic or anything (I am far from bipolar!!)
MMC
Posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 20:12:27
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long), posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 20:10:56
Posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 20:37:45
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » mmcasey, posted by fallsfall on June 6, 2003, at 19:47:24
> I told my therapist on Tuesday that I was going to go to someone else. She said I could see her until I get a new one - but I miss her already.Okay, I think that I may have read something about why you are switching, but I'm not sure?? Maybe you could enlighten me.
>
> Looking for a new therapist is no fun!! I >don't do short therapy, so it is a long term >commitment (my last was 8 1/2 years). And it >seems so important.Yeah... it sucks to find a new therapist. I feel like I am all about long term therapy, but unfortunately my life hasn't allowed for it yet. I have never actually ended therapy because of my own choice - it was always circumstantial either having to do with my own circumstances or my therapist's circumstances or both. I have however seen numerous therapists for amounts of time ranging from about one month up to about 7 months. And I have managed to become extremely attached to 2 of them - my most recent and one from 2 years ago who I saw for 7 months, my entire senior year of college.
> You have a lot of changes going on: new >therapist, no boyfriend, roommates moving out. >That's a lot. Do you have some other friends >who can keep things stable for you? We're >here. So if you are lonely you can post.Yes, there are a lot of changes. My life has been in a state of perpetual change basically since I moved here. There is my family who I talk to, although not so much about my emotions and the extremity of my problems. And there is my best friend who is more or less my savior in many ways. But they aren't here. Plus, they have their own lives to live, and also I get tired of talking to them all the time, especially my parents (no offense to all you parents out there, but this is just how it is for me).
> if I were to kill myself, I'll never get the chance to know if my life can ever be better.
>
> This is one of the best reasons I've seen for staying alive.It seems wise, but sometimes it is really hard to hold on to that idea when you feel so incredibly down. I know that it's all part of the cycle though - like, when you are "down" you can't see out of the blackness, etc etc. All this knowledge does not necessarily help though.
>
> They call this "Fortune Telling" (it is one of >the Cognitive Distortions). None of this has >happened. You have no reason (that I know of) >to know that this will happen.Yeah, I suppose you are right, but I freak out about it on a daily basis, mainly because getting into school here is the entire focus of my life right now, which probably isn't a good thing. But I can't help it. I am obsessed with it. That, and trying to get control over my depression.
Well, thanks for reading my post.
I'm off to watch Law and Order: SVU, one of the very few (!) shows that I can actually stand these days.
Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2003, at 21:18:22
In reply to UPDATE (long), posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
You've got lots going on in your life right now, but it sounds like you've been handling it pretty well.
I can imagine how hard it must be to lose a therapist, even if you knew it was time limited. How about the new therapist? Is this likely to be a longer term relationship? I know it's hard to tell at this early stage, but I imagine there must be a lot of possibilities along with the loss. A new way of looking at things, fresh ideas. Are you getting any feeling that that may be the case with her?
It's nice hearing from you. Good luck on the GRE. I'll bet you feel a lot more settled after that is over.
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 0:57:20
In reply to UPDATE (long), posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
Wow. I can relate to some of that.
I am so glad to read honest (hopefully) outpourings from other human beings.
I (we?) just dont get much of that in real life.
Everyone is living in a shell and putting on
another face. So we come here to be ourselves
in some way.
I feel like I am not me at work, I have to be
someone else and Im really tired of it.
It takes a lot of energy to be an actor all
day long and its draining. I would rather
not be there and do something that is energizing
and not energy sapping.
So who am I? I used to know. I dont know if I
know anymore. I feel like I have lost me.
I see parts of me around the house that
I have not bothered to look at in so long
I forgot it was a part of me, my past, people
and events connected to it and me. And I feel
like where did all that go? What happened to
that? How can I get it back? How can I reconect with me? And in so doing with other people.
Other people are important.
I numb myself with too much tv. TV is an
opiate. It helps put the mind on pause for a bit.
But I still come back to earth.I hope youre doing ok too!
Posted by fallsfall on June 7, 2003, at 3:25:19
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » fallsfall, posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 20:37:45
>
> > I told my therapist on Tuesday that I was going to go to someone else. She said I could see her until I get a new one - but I miss her already.
>
> Okay, I think that I may have read something about why you are switching, but I'm not sure?? Maybe you could enlighten me.This thread tells my story: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030529/msgs/230679.html
> >
> > Looking for a new therapist is no fun!! I >don't do short therapy, so it is a long term >commitment (my last was 8 1/2 years). And it >seems so important.
>
> Yeah... it sucks to find a new therapist. I feel like I am all about long term therapy, but unfortunately my life hasn't allowed for it yet. I have never actually ended therapy because of my own choice - it was always circumstantial either having to do with my own circumstances or my therapist's circumstances or both. I have however seen numerous therapists for amounts of time ranging from about one month up to about 7 months. And I have managed to become extremely attached to 2 of them - my most recent and one from 2 years ago who I saw for 7 months, my entire senior year of college.I've had this one therapist and 3 group therapists, and then the people at the hospital. I get dependent any chance I have...
>
>
> Yes, there are a lot of changes. My life has been in a state of perpetual change basically since I moved here. There is my family who I talk to, although not so much about my emotions and the extremity of my problems. And there is my best friend who is more or less my savior in many ways. But they aren't here. Plus, they have their own lives to live, and also I get tired of talking to them all the time, especially my parents (no offense to all you parents out there, but this is just how it is for me).I'm a parent. My oldest just turned 20. I like to hear what is going on with her, and I try not to give too much advice. She's doing really well, so I'm not super worried.
I find that when I'm hesitating on talking to my friends (family isn't really a factor for me) that is a warning sign. I get really good at isolating, and it takes a lot of effort to break out of that.
>
> It seems wise, but sometimes it is really hard to hold on to that idea when you feel so incredibly down. I know that it's all part of the cycle though - like, when you are "down" you can't see out of the blackness, etc etc. All this knowledge does not necessarily help though.I'm a smart person, I would think that knowledge would help, but it doesn't. I still don't get it.
> >
Hang in there. It seems like you know what is happening, it is just a matter of being able to triumph! You'll do it.Good Luck
Posted by mmcasey on June 7, 2003, at 13:12:28
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long), posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 0:57:20
> Everyone is living in a shell and putting on
> another face. So we come here to be ourselves
> in some way.I was just thinking that today. How easy it is here to come right out with the truth, my true feelings. And I was trying to imagine - what if you just took all of us who come to this message board and stuck us in therapy groups together - would we all really be so forthcoming? I know I wouldn't!! It's so much harder in person.
> I numb myself with too much tv. TV is an
> opiate. It helps put the mind on pause for a bit.I wish that I could numb myself with tv. I know, it's a strange wish, but the reality right now is that I can't stand tv. Can't stand it! Most of the time I would like to just be able to sit there for hours watching tv and not think about my life or deal with anything, but tv is just not engaging enough for me to be able to do that. Unfortunately, neither is reading, which used to be a good escape for me. In fact, there is basically nothing that is engaging for me these days.
Posted by noa on June 7, 2003, at 16:42:45
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » JohnDoenut, posted by mmcasey on June 7, 2003, at 13:12:28
Hey, MM.
Sorry if I didn't "notice" your absence. I haven't been participating as frequently here, myself, and I tend not to pick up on who is here or not here from week to week.
The fact that you are eager to wait and see if life will get better is a great sign, I think.
It sounds like you are greiving the breakup, even though, as you say, it is one you initiated. I think, as you say, they are always hard anyway. If only because it is a loss of what you had WANTED the relationship to turn out to be.
And of course the change in therapists is a big loss, since you really trusted the previous one. Sigh. That is hard. But you sound like you know you have to be patient and allow yourself to adjust.
Good luck with the GREs!
Hang in there.
Posted by mmcasey on June 7, 2003, at 17:59:50
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long), posted by noa on June 7, 2003, at 16:42:45
noa... are you a therapist? You remind me of one by the things that you say. Also, I don't feel like I've seen a lot of posts about your own situation, but I could be wrong. I don't read everything! Just curious...
Posted by JohnDoenut on June 7, 2003, at 22:59:18
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » JohnDoenut, posted by mmcasey on June 7, 2003, at 13:12:28
>
feelings. And I was trying to imagine - what if you just took all of us who come to this message board and stuck us in therapy groups together - would we all really be so forthcoming? I know I wouldn't!! It's so much harder in person.
>Yes. A group does have its place and can be very useful too but the dynamic is of course very different.
> I wish that I could numb myself with tv. I know, it's a strange wish, but the reality right now is that I can't stand tv. Can't stand it! Most of the time I would like to just be able to sit there for hours watching tv and not think about my life or deal with anything, but tv is just not engaging enough for me to be able to do that. Unfortunately, neither is reading, which used to be a good escape for me. In fact, there is basically nothing that is engaging for me these days.
>Im really sorry to hear that.
I mean on the one hand reading is probably a better thing to do than watch tv. However now with cable there really is a lot of good, informative and educational shows on tv now.
You may also be able to get videos and dvds (as well as books on tape!) from the library and for much less money than a rental store.
Of course however there is the problem of being able to lose one's self in a book or tv in the first place. I do get tired of tv too though.
And I dont read as much as I used to which Im
not happy about but its all about time and stress.
Im not much of a channel surfer although my SO is. I tape most of what I want to watch and watch
it when I have time. I have stacks of stuff I
dont know when Ill have the time to watch but its
there for when I do!! :)But when I dont watch tv I try to do constructive things on the computer or around the house. Do you find the computer and the internet more engaging?
JohnD
Posted by noa on June 8, 2003, at 10:36:12
In reply to Re: UPDATE (long) » noa, posted by mmcasey on June 7, 2003, at 17:59:50
MM, I've had a lot of experience as a patient in therapy!
I have written a lot about my own situations, but the boards seem to turn over very fast these days so you might not see them if you and I are on different schedules!!
As it happens, see below something I just posted (i'm working my way up from the bottom of the page today).
Be well.
This is the end of the thread.
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