![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 3:22:06
Hello all,
This is my first post to the board. I'm glad to have found the forum and hope everyone here is feeling reasonably well. I personally experience shyness and loneliness, which I suppose could be classified as "social phobia". I also get depressed sometimes. I've been through more treatments and pdocs than I can list, sorry to say. Some of them were harmful, some did nothing at all.
I guess my main question is how do you know if you have social phobia, as opposed to just having a shy and sensitive personality? I was bullied as an "outcast" in junior high school, and had to complete high school at home, due to harassment at school. These horrible experiences alone may have affected the way in which I interact with and view people. I got through college by focusing like a laser on the academic part, and completely keeping to myself (I lived off campus).
It's been about 15 years since junior high school, yet I still feel like an "outcast" in life. When I was in my early twenties, I was abused and betrayed by my father, so I suppose that avoiding people may just be a "coping strategy" that I have developed due to extremely painful past experiences. As far as friends go, I had friends in elementary school, but then went through my entire teen years with zero friends. (I was somewhat isolated being tutored for high school at home, but it was my choice. The bullying at school was so awful and relentless I was practically suicidal over it.) In my early twenties, I managed to make a few friends who were older than me and out of college. At 24, the emotionally abusive event with my father occurred, and I guess you could say I've been pretty much alone since then. What he did to me makes it very hard for me to trust people.
Does anyone else have a similar experience? People have told me that I'm shy, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. On the rare occasions that I do manage to get out to a party, I try not to act "shy" and to just be myself, but I have trouble thinking of things to say to people I've just met. Worse still is the feeling I get when I see that everyone else at the party seems to be with friends talking and laughing, and I'm just alone. I've actually had people think I was feeling sad just because I'm not smiling and laughing when I'm sitting somewhere all alone. I wasn't even feeling depressed; I think it would be rather strange to be laughing to myself! How happy can anyone appear when he or she is all alone? Anyway, I have tried Paxil for social phobia, but it didn't help any. Any suggestions as to how to have more self-confidence? Also, where do you go to meet people? I don't have much family and only two friends, so I often feel isolated. Well, thanks for listening, and best of luck to you.
Emily
Posted by glaciergirl on June 4, 2003, at 10:12:28
In reply to Loneliness, Shyness, Social Phobia?, posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 3:22:06
Emily,
I'm sorry to hear about your father, I hope you are doing ok! I am 28 and have often felt alone and shy around other people. I took Paxil for a while and loved how it brought me out of my shell! I am currently taking Concerta for ADHD, but it hasn't seemed to help my social phobia much, I started Wellbutrin today, we'll see if that helps. I won't go back on Paxil bc of weight gain! Anyway, I notice that when we are among others, they have a tendency to "push" us back into our shyness by their approaches, asking us why we aren't talking, what's wrong, if we're ok, etc. I think these people are only trying to help us out of our shell, but it only makes us aware of the fact that we are not "normal" or "fitting in" and others are noticing, which is a blow to our already low self-esteem, at least that is what I experience. I am often perceived as a "snob, bitch, too good to talk to anybody" when meeting others, sometimes I just accept that and keep quiet..to me, that is easier that having to talk to someone (I can never think of things to talk about either!) Other people make it look so easy, talk, talk, talk, and we see people connecting and laughing with these talkitive people, but if we so much as try to talk, it seems like people are so concerned about what we might have to say (oh, look, she's going to say something..) that they don't dare joke or laugh with us...making us think "why did I open my mouth in the first place?" and we lose any hope we had of "fitting in" again. I have started initiating conversations with people when I meet them, sometimes it takes me a while...I tend to sit back and listen to what they talk about with others and what their interests are, then, if there is any common ground, that's what I'll start with...If they are talking about their job and I'm the only one around that doesn't know what they do, I'll ask..it gives you a way to get into the conversation by seeming interested in others and keeping the focus off yourself. (I get real nervous talking about what I do, I feel like others either a) think i'm bragging or b) are thinking, "does she really think I care what she does?"..self-esteem again...There have been many times that I have asked question after question (sometimes I feel like I'm conducting an interview) and only get one or two word responses..which pisses me off! If I'm going to go out of my comfort zone to give an effort, they can at least "talk to me!", but most of the time, it shows you are willing to be in on the conversation. Hope this helps some!
Brooke
Posted by Dinah on June 5, 2003, at 20:15:55
In reply to Loneliness, Shyness, Social Phobia?, posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 3:22:06
Hi Emily,
I was the designated picked on kid in sixth thru ninth grades, so I know how unbelievably painful it can be. I think people are just now realizing the serious consequences of bullying. But back then, if I heard just one more person tell me that if I just laughed instead of crying I'd have.... Well, I did hear everyone say that, so I suppose I wouldn't have done any more than I did.
I'm not good with large crowds. Everything starts to feel weird and far away. Joining in seems impossible. Small groups are way better for me, and I prefer socializing that way. But if I must go to a large crowd, my technique is to look around for someone who looks even more uncomfortable than I think I do. And there are always a few people in a large group who feel uncomfortable - not just me. And I'll join them with a comment or a question about the event. If I've used my shy radar correctly, they are usually very happy to talk and I am suddenly no longer alone. I can't manage social rhythm in larger groups anyway, so two couples, or two or three people is just about right for me.
The other thing that helps is having something else to focus your attention on, like a pet or a young child. That only works in certain situations, naturally. :)
Posted by Emily Barrett on June 5, 2003, at 20:57:37
In reply to Loneliness, Shyness, Social Phobia?, posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 3:22:06
Good luck with the Wellbutrin, Brooke. It can be so strange to look around at a party and see how effortless talking seems to be for most people. Once I get to know people, I'm a lot better about coming up with things to talk about. It's that initial breaking the ice that is the hardest part. It is helpful just to know that other people sometimes feel self-conscious, too.
Dinah, sorry to hear that you were the kid chosen to be picked on in your school, too! Bullies always seem to choose only one or two people in a grade, then focus all of their venom on that particular person/persons. And of course, even the nice kids are afraid to even so much as say "hello" to the "outcast", out of fear that they too will be ostracized. I agree, society is only just now starting to recognize just how painful that sort of treatment can be. My mother always was sympathetic, but my father actually blamed me for being ostracized! I'll never understand the "blame the victim" mentality. At least those days are over now!
Thanks to both of you for your advice. I wish all the best for you!
Emily
Posted by WorryGirl on June 13, 2003, at 9:27:45
In reply to Loneliness, Shyness, Social Phobia?, posted by Emily Barrett on June 4, 2003, at 3:22:06
> Hello all,
>
> This is my first post to the board. I'm glad to have found the forum and hope everyone here is feeling reasonably well. I personally experience shyness and loneliness, which I suppose could be classified as "social phobia". I also get depressed sometimes. I've been through more treatments and pdocs than I can list, sorry to say. Some of them were harmful, some did nothing at all.
>Hi Emily,
Welcome to the board where you don't have to be lonely :)
I can relate to your situation. I was bullied throughout most of junior high with nary a friend to be found and I know it has had negative repercussions, even now, about 25 years later.> I guess my main question is how do you know if you have social phobia, as opposed to just having a shy and sensitive personality? I was bullied as an "outcast" in junior high school, and had to complete high school at home, due to harassment at school. These horrible experiences alone may have affected the way in which I interact with and view people. I got through college by focusing like a laser on the academic part, and completely keeping to myself (I lived off campus).
>That's a tough question, because I don't know if I have true social phobia or not either. I believe there are some very sensitive souls out there who feel things that most others wouldn't notice. I notice the tiniest change in an expression or tone of voice and believe that I know the exact second someone "turns on me" or has decided that I'm a waste of their time. I'm sure that I have misinterpreted their body language, but nonetheless it crushes me. It is possible that you may have a variation of social phobia. I only have social phobic signs when I am around people I don't know well or people I know, but I know they don't like me (or at least I think they don't like me and 99 times out of a hundred I'm right). If strangers are responsive to me, I open right up within minutes. This, to me, doesn't sound like social phobia. But if there is any doubt as to what they think of me, I exhibit the classic signs of sp, such as seeming to isolate myself, shaking when spoken to, wanting to be invisible, etc.
> It's been about 15 years since junior high school, yet I still feel like an "outcast" in life. When I was in my early twenties, I was abused and betrayed by my father, so I suppose that avoiding people may just be a "coping strategy" that I have developed due to extremely painful past experiences. As far as friends go, I had friends in elementary school, but then went through my entire teen years with zero friends. (I was somewhat isolated being tutored for high school at home, but it was my choice. The bullying at school was so awful and relentless I was practically suicidal over it.) In my early twenties, I managed to make a few friends who were older than me and out of college. At 24, the emotionally abusive event with my father occurred, and I guess you could say I've been pretty much alone since then. What he did to me makes it very hard for me to trust people.
>That is completely understandable! I was abused by an ex-boyfriend in my 20s, which I think contributed to my anxieties and fears. I'm sure this plays right into our social phobia in general.
> Does anyone else have a similar experience? People have told me that I'm shy, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. On the rare occasions that I do manage to get out to a party, I try not to act "shy" and to just be myself, but I have trouble thinking of things to say to people I've just met. Worse still is the feeling I get when I see that everyone else at the party seems to be with friends talking and laughing, and I'm just alone. I've actually had people think I was feeling sad just because I'm not smiling and laughing when I'm sitting somewhere all alone. I wasn't even feeling depressed; I think it would be rather strange to be laughing to myself! How happy can anyone appear when he or she is all alone? Anyway, I have tried Paxil for social phobia, but it didn't help any. Any suggestions as to how to have more self-confidence? Also, where do you go to meet people? I don't have much family and only two friends, so I often feel isolated. Well, thanks for listening, and best of luck to you.
>
> EmilyEmily, I feel so much like you, the difference is that I am usually not called shy because I am so naturally talkative once I'm comfortable, almost too talkative. But now I know the reason for this, because I've recently been diagnosed with bipolar, and the overtalkativeness is part of the mania.
Even if you're naturally shy, there's nothing wrong with that! I am so often drawn to sweet, quiet people, but have felt that maybe they were uncomfortable around me. Somehow I tend to view quiet people as being superior! I think quiet people get misread as snobby, etc., because in our culture being social is what it's all about. But as talkative as I am, I am rarely part of the group.
I'm hoping that with medication things will turn around for me.
Don't give up on trying and if you're up to it, experiment with therapy/med and you may find your problems easing.Good luck
WG
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.