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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 22:45:17
I'm glad someone here on Babble is safe after all but there is something wrong with me. It's like I feel jealous or unworthy of care or something.
I just think about my last OD and how no one in the ER even talked to me. I was just left there, hooked up on IV overnight, no one talked to me. Then I was let go.
How come others get care and attention and I don't? :-(
This makes me think of doing drastic terrible things to myself.
I'm evil.
Posted by sunnydays on March 20, 2008, at 23:20:01
In reply to I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 22:45:17
((((Deneb))))
I'm sorry you feel that way. I've been feeling really bad about myself lately too. I care about you and was really glad to see you post, since you've been fairly absent here recently.
It's ok to feel jealous when others get care. It's natural to want care. I'm sorry I don't have answers for you because I'm really struggling tonight too with wanting caring, but I am sending you the caring-est vibes I can over the Internet.
It's ok Deneb. It will be ok.
sunnydays
Posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 23:23:39
In reply to I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 22:45:17
I'm so sad now. :-(
I want caring and attention too. I've thinking bad thoughts.
Posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 23:25:55
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Deneb, posted by sunnydays on March 20, 2008, at 23:20:01
Thanks for the hugs Sunnydays.
Posted by Racer on March 21, 2008, at 0:00:15
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 23:23:39
> I'm so sad now. :-(
I'm very sorry you're sad, because I care about you.
>
> I want caring and attention too.That's natural -- I, personally, want to be held in someone's arms. I'm feeling pretty bad about myself that I don't have that. I'm feeling pretty neglected in a lot of areas of my life.
Deneb, can you maybe take a look at what you mean when you think about caring and attention? Do you mean the sort you might get if you took on the "sick" role? Or having someone care about you very deeply, as an equal? That might be an area for you to explore -- the latter may not feel quite as nurturing to you, but it's the one that provides the most lasting satisfaction, and is the most likely to continue. If you're looking for the caring that a sick child gets, you'll be disappointed -- it's exhausting to care for someone that way, and it's unlikely that you'll find anyone who can sustain that sort of attention.
I hope that helps, and I'm sorry I'm not a warmer person.
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 0:32:23
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Racer on March 21, 2008, at 0:00:15
Thanks for your post Racer.
I think intellectually I know why my pdoc and the hospital didn't give me lots of caring and attention when I would OD. They didn't want to positively reinforce that behaviour in me. I think it has worked.
Now the problem is that hearing about others getting caring and attention when they OD triggers me.
I'm not sure what kind of caring I want. People say they care, but often it's not enough or it just somehow doesn't get through to me.
I don't know what is wrong.
I just need to think through this.
Posted by Phillipa on March 21, 2008, at 10:44:49
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 0:32:23
Deneb feeling better today I hope? Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on March 21, 2008, at 13:46:24
In reply to I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 20, 2008, at 22:45:17
Deneb, has anyone suggested that you do DBT? You seem to have all the criteria to meet the borderline personality disorder. Sadly, so do I. So please don't think I am being mean by telling you this.Thinking you are evil is one of the symptoms of BPD. For me, I feel like I am toxic and that no one will ever care about me. People with BPD often they think they bad, but don't really know why.
Your repeated ODs are also symptomanic of BPD.
I imagine that the reason they didn't give you attention is because they don't want to encourage your behaviour. I am not saying that you should be treated that way, but that is how the medical community sees BPD.
What if you did something to get people's attention by doing something POSITIVE. For example, when I told my short term psychologist what I had done to find another psychologist he was pleased and told me he was proud of me. That made me feel good and I wanted to continue so that he would continue to give me praise. Everytime I did something GOOD for myself, he praised me. The ODs, the cutting and the eating disorder did not get much attention ..... because he didn't want to encourage that behaviour.
I know one thing about BPD ... it hurts like hell. We live in a painful dark world.
I hope you will try to get some help, but do it in a positive way. Look up DBT in Google and you will find sites that have some exercises for you to do. Although I think you need to be in a DBT group.
Hope you feel better.
Maxime
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 13:51:53
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 0:32:23
I hate myself. I feel like ODing. I just feel bad. Tomato guy is avoiding me, I got a needs improvement at work and I'm jealous of other people's caring.
If I OD, no one will be there for me. My pdoc cannot be reached. She doesn't let patients contact her. I also will NOT go to hospital. I can't put my family through that.
Right now I don't feel bad enough to actually OD, but I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking I should OD on a combination of OTC and prescriptions meds.
I hate myself. I don't want to die. I just feel like hurting myself.
Please give me good reasons not to OD.
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 13:59:35
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Maxime on March 21, 2008, at 13:46:24
>
> Deneb, has anyone suggested that you do DBT? You seem to have all the criteria to meet the borderline personality disorder. Sadly, so do I. So please don't think I am being mean by telling you this.Yes, some Babblers have suggested I do DBT. My pdoc says I have BPD. We don't really talk about it much and I've been doing a lot better. I hadn't cut for something like 2 years, but just last Tues I cut because I got a needs improvement at work.
> What if you did something to get people's attention by doing something POSITIVE. For example, when I told my short term psychologist what I had done to find another psychologist he was pleased and told me he was proud of me. That made me feel good and I wanted to continue so that he would continue to give me praise. Everytime I did something GOOD for myself, he praised me. The ODs, the cutting and the eating disorder did not get much attention ..... because he didn't want to encourage that behaviour.
>It's just hard to do positive things when I don't feel good.
> I know one thing about BPD ... it hurts like hell. We live in a painful dark world.
>
> I hope you will try to get some help, but do it in a positive way. Look up DBT in Google and you will find sites that have some exercises for you to do. Although I think you need to be in a DBT group.
>
> Hope you feel better.
>
> Maxime
>Thanks Maxime
Posted by Angela2 on March 21, 2008, at 14:07:46
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 13:51:53
> I hate myself. I feel like ODing. I just feel bad. Tomato guy is avoiding me, I got a needs improvement at work and I'm jealous of other people's caring.
>
> If I OD, no one will be there for me. My pdoc cannot be reached. She doesn't let patients contact her. I also will NOT go to hospital. I can't put my family through that.
>
> Right now I don't feel bad enough to actually OD, but I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking I should OD on a combination of OTC and prescriptions meds.
>
> I hate myself. I don't want to die. I just feel like hurting myself.
>
> Please give me good reasons not to OD.
Deneb, Why do you think you are evil? Jealousy is a common human emotion and we have all felt it many times I'm sure. People here care about you, and that my lady is a fact!Is there anything you can do now to take your mind off the negative? How about a bubble bath or a nice brisk walk? Find a funny video online and laugh a little. Or a lot!
We care Deneb. Please know that!
Ang2
Posted by Maxime on March 21, 2008, at 14:09:30
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 13:51:53
Don't OD. I will give you one reason. A month ago I took a lethal OD and I ended up in the hospital in cardiac arrest. I was on life support for several days. I woke up with a tube in my mouth attached to a machine that was breathing for me.
The ironic part is that it was the LEAST amount of meds I had over OD'd on, yet it was one of the most damaging. You never know what will happen when you OD. I couldn't speak properly for several day because my words would get all mixed up. I thought I had caused brain damage.
I upset my mum so much that she wanted to kick me out of the house. I upset other people as well.
Don't OD because it's not worth it. You are worth more.
Maxime
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 15:14:38
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Maxime on March 21, 2008, at 14:09:30
Hi everyone, sorry I wrote the stuff I did about ODing. I'm definitely NOT going to OD. I'm a lot better these days. I was just triggered by recent events.
I think I could use some attention and caring maybe. I think I need to stay away from reading anything self harm/OD related.
I've just been sad and confused and this latest trigger didn't help. With the needs improvement and Tomato guy avoiding me, I've just been feeling kind of sad.
Thanks for all your caring and support. I love you guys.
Posted by seldomseen on March 21, 2008, at 15:34:01
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 15:14:38
Deneb,
I'm very sorry that you have been hurting lately and that you reached out for help here.Your last post was so honest to me. I am here for you and will support you in any way.
It's been a tough time lately, but I'm sure there are better days ahead.
Take good good care of yourself.
love and peace to you
Seldom.
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 15:37:17
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger*, posted by Angela2 on March 21, 2008, at 14:07:46
Thanks for understanding Angela. Maybe I can play with my hamster for a bit. Although, she's sleeping now so maybe I can just go watch her sleep.
Thanks for caring Angela. :-)
> Deneb, Why do you think you are evil? Jealousy is a common human emotion and we have all felt it many times I'm sure. People here care about you, and that my lady is a fact!
>
> Is there anything you can do now to take your mind off the negative? How about a bubble bath or a nice brisk walk? Find a funny video online and laugh a little. Or a lot!
>
> We care Deneb. Please know that!
>
> Ang2
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 15:40:00
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Maxime on March 21, 2008, at 14:09:30
I'm really glad you survived Maxime. I don't want to die. Sometimes I just feel like hurting myself, but I can see how it can get very dangerous. I also wouldn't want to hurt my friends and family or have them upset with me.
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:02:47
In reply to Re: I think I'm evil *trigger* » Maxime, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 15:40:00
I'm holding back tears.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 23, 2008, at 7:19:22
In reply to I'm sad, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:02:47
Deneb, I'm sorry if my post(s) triggered you. They trigger me too. I'm glad I did post though, because babblers convinced me to call T.
Don't kid yourself. drinking charcoal and spending the night on a stretcher in a drape that doesn't cover your bum is NOT the kind of caring that you want.
I wish your family were more caring. THAT's what you deserve. I think you are making good progress towards taking care of yourself and eventually you will be ready to start a family of your own. yes. one where you WILL be cared for.
(((((((deneb))))))))
sorry if I hurt you, but don't go hurting yourself. Then I've hurt 2 people. yuck.
-Ll
Posted by Deneb on March 23, 2008, at 17:08:35
In reply to Re: I'm sad » Deneb, posted by llurpsienoodle on March 23, 2008, at 7:19:22
Oh, it's OK Llurpsie. It's not your fault. I'm glad Babblers convinced you to get help.
I'm just learning what my triggers are. There will always be triggers, it's not anyone's fault.
I won't hurt myself. I promise. I'm feeling a lot better now.
(((((llurpsie)))))
Posted by sunnydays on March 23, 2008, at 18:20:01
In reply to Re: I'm sad » llurpsienoodle, posted by Deneb on March 23, 2008, at 17:08:35
Good for you Deneb!!!! You have made awesome progress. It's great that you were able to be upset and deal with it and express it without hurting yourself. Great job!
sunnydays
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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