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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:21:00
Life is just one big sh*t sandwich and I am tired of trying. I want to quit therapy, I want to quit life, I just want sleep peacefully for a full 8 hours. I want one day to go by without more sh*t. I am tired of trying, if people don' tlike me, that is there problem. I don't feel safe her anymore, don't feel safe in chat. I just don't feel supported, so I guess I have used all my support up. I feel like a little girl who nobody cared about. That is okay I just want to stay in my dark hole. At least I like myself enough to be by myself. Sorry I just can't help anyone right now, I try, and well I make things worse. I don't think I want to be a T either. I am tired of my heart being stomped on. I am losing all my strength to stay here. I feel so unloved at the momement, I just want to curl up, motionless, with a shield protecting me against the arrows.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:58:47
In reply to Okay, I tried to stay away, but couldn't, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:21:00
Maybe I shouldn't post my real thoughts. Maybe I should just walk away and hide. Nobody really understands what kind of childhood I went through, nobody really understands how that feels. You can't put it into words or emotions. It is too big to explain. The world really doesn't want to really know where I have been. The world has been a very cold place for me, I don't trust it anymore. I am tired of fighting for happiness. It is so easy to see fakeness, when you have lived with somebody how was. Nobody knew the evil that lurked in her mind. Nobody could help me, I was doomed. I am really tied of people taking life for granted. Some have had so much, and to just give a little would mean so much to others. But it seems life is about helping only ourselves. Living like a trapped animal, hardly no food, painful torture, never feeling safe, that is what happens to children every day. I know how it feels, but the majority of people don't. They really don't want to either. It is easier to ignorant. Life shouldn't always be so hard.
Posted by confuzyq on June 12, 2007, at 2:38:00
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:58:47
HF, you don't even know me as I am mostly just a long-time lurker who for some reason has "broken the seal" for awhile tonight. So this probably won't help much. But I wanted to say that my impression over years has been that many many people here definitely really care about and like you. Maybe they don't know how to make that feel real to you anymore, but they do...
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 7:01:57
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by confuzyq on June 12, 2007, at 2:38:00
Hi confuzyq, (love your name),
I am honored you came out of lurkland to post to me last night.
I guess maybe I should clarify, I am not just talking about babble,I am talking about all my life with babble included.Yes there has been some babblers who have helped me a great deal and I will be forever grateful.
But things have changed, and I don't feel very well liked. I want to walk away but it is hard after 2+ years.
It is also mirroring my real day to day life too. I want to walk away and start a new, but I can't, I am trapped right now.
I just want to give up, I have fought so hard to overcome stuff, I feel I have given quite a battle, but now I just want to retreat and take cover. Life just feels very overwhelming right now, and it just feels like nobody either cares or understands here or anywhere in my life. I feel alone. I say that is what I want is to be left alone, but really I just want someone to really care. Someone real.
Posted by Honore on June 12, 2007, at 8:56:12
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers*** » confuzyq, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 7:01:57
Maybe I'm wrong HF, but isn't the end of your relationship with your T a big part of your sadness and sense of loss?
Everyone whose written about termination always says that there's a lot of grieving and coming to terms with it that you have to do. I'm not sure you've done that, and maybe you still need to.
I'm sorry that babble, among others, doesnt' feel safe. No place is completely safe, but this place seems as safe as any-- more safe than most, because people do care-- even if not perfectly-- and not all the time.
It's hard to know what to say sometimes when someone's hurting-- you can say the wrong thing at other times too. I and,I know. others wish we could help, and wish that you weren't easily hurt-- deeply-- by things that maybe no one means in that way--
I miss your presence when you're not here-- and I don't know why you left this time, but I hope you can feel better-- even if leaving Therapy is something that takes a certain toll-- and weighs on you and makes it harder to absorb the caring that babblers have.
Even if one person is hurtful, usually someone else wants to help, and empathizes with your reactions-- I think often you shut that person out-- because you don't trust--- or feel safe enough-- to believe that anyone's there for you, as opposed to against you.
I wish you could hear the caring voices at those times, too.
Honore
Posted by sunnydays on June 12, 2007, at 10:07:17
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:58:47
((((((Happyflower))))))
I don't know exactly what you went through, that is true. But it sounds like you are really hurting, and I understand that feeling. I hope you are able to find support here or wherever else you may be looking for it. And I hope your life turns better for you.
sunnydays
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 14:50:01
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by Honore on June 12, 2007, at 8:56:12
I guess I wasn't even thinking of termination, because things have gone back to every 2 weeks again. But I can add that layer to my future sh*t sandwich.
Things have been brought to my attention just recentely and I diffently don't feel safe here for many reason now. Some people are just so mean and unforgiving. I feel like there isn't anywhere to go anymore.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 14:55:09
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers*** » Happyflower, posted by sunnydays on June 12, 2007, at 10:07:17
Thanks sunnydays, I appreciate what you said. I jsut feel like I trusted others, and they have let me down. After awhile you become sheepish of anyone who posed a threat. Sometimes you just have to hide. I think some real people here on Babble have met me in real life and would say I am not that bad. Maybe I should have stayed away.
Posted by jammerlich on June 12, 2007, at 17:09:53
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers*** » sunnydays, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 14:55:09
Happyflower, not only are you "not that bad," you're NOT BAD AT ALL!!! At least, that's how I see things. I hope, one day, you'll be able to see it too.
I'm really glad you're back. I hope you'll be able to find a way to use babble that feels safe for you. I think it's doable.
Posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 18:50:45
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers*** » Happyflower, posted by jammerlich on June 12, 2007, at 17:09:53
Thanks Jammer,
It was kind of you to say so, I wish others believed you though. I am not a serial killer or anything. ((((((jammer))))
Posted by Dory on June 12, 2007, at 19:49:53
In reply to Okay, I tried to stay away, but couldn't, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:21:00
For whatever it's worth i have missed you. i have liked you from the start and i think you're a really good person. Babble is harder than RL sometimes because it's like condensing down all the people who have issues into one place. Sometimes one person is gasoline and another a match, but sometimes one person is a shoulder and the other person is crying. It's a mixed bag.
Missed you, glad you are back.
Posted by muffled on June 12, 2007, at 23:48:44
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers*** » Happyflower, posted by jammerlich on June 12, 2007, at 17:09:53
Happyflower, I am so glad to see you.
Hope you can visit from time to time.
I been kinda wondering for a bit if there's some stuff comming up from inside that you have not yet dealt with satisfactorily.
You went thru hell. I would think it takes time to try and heal those wounds.
If you think your T is helpful, and you can afford it, maybe you can have more sessions to deal with what is erupting up from inside of you.
You are not ready for termination methinks.
I think sometimes, termination brings up more stuff, that parts inside get upset at losing T, cuz they haven't yet got what they need. They have not had recognition, recognotions of THEM, what tTHEY suffered.
But then mebbe I talking wrong stuff for you HF.
You are special HF.
But you got so hurt.
You still healing.
Be kind to your self, alla yourself.
And not everybody is bad. Just lots don't know as you say.
I am glad and sad when others don't know.
(((((HF))))
Hang in there.
Muffled
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 18, 2007, at 11:13:32
In reply to Re: Okay, I tried to stay away ** *triggers***, posted by Happyflower on June 12, 2007, at 0:58:47
> Maybe I shouldn't post my real thoughts. Maybe I should just walk away and hide. Nobody really understands what kind of childhood I went through, nobody really understands how that feels. You can't put it into words or emotions. It is too big to explain. The world really doesn't want to really know where I have been. The world has been a very cold place for me, I don't trust it anymore. I am tired of fighting for happiness. It is so easy to see fakeness, when you have lived with somebody how was. Nobody knew the evil that lurked in her mind. Nobody could help me, I was doomed. I am really tied of people taking life for granted. Some have had so much, and to just give a little would mean so much to others. But it seems life is about helping only ourselves. Living like a trapped animal, hardly no food, painful torture, never feeling safe, that is what happens to children every day. I know how it feels, but the majority of people don't. They really don't want to either. It is easier to ignorant. Life shouldn't always be so hard.
Real thoughts are the only thing that matters here, as long as they're civil.
Nobody will ever be able to crawl inside your head and relive the types of experiences you had. I'm so sorry that we have things in common. I know that words and emotions are empty substitutes, but for what, exactly? I recently made a list of things that I was scared of, and then the fear that was under that, and under that. Fear of termination, fear of being rejected. Fear of abandonment. Fear of neglect. Fear that I'm not loved. Fear that I am expendible. Fear of not being worthy of living. Fear of death. etc. And when I got to the root of it all, I was crying, because it was the TRUTH, as I knew it and felt it.
I've seen a few different aspects to your person, and I feel like I'm privileged to know you in this way. There is the part of you that is depressed and hopeless right now, but there is also the part that is wildly optimistic every time you get a glimpse, a taste, of freedom. There is the part of you that is dead, and will never love or cherish your husband; but there is also the part of you that shares and intense and true love for your children; a part of you that has a desperate fear of your mother and her sadistic cruelty... Many parts of you.
I think that it's no wonder that you find yourself in inner conflict, not knowing when to run, when to hide, when to love, when to avoid.
You are right that the majority of people won't understand you, but that doesn't mean that we can't CARE about you, right here, right now. Some days it is easier to ignore the victim, because it is easier to ignore the victim than acknowledge the evil that is present next door.
I'm sorry I didn't get to this earlier. I have to save my energy sometimes, because I don't feel like I'm useful or supportive many days. It's all I can do to care for myself. That's a kind of selfishness, but more importantly, self-preservation.
I agree with the other posters that you're likely having a lot of unanticipated and confusing thoughts related to termination, related to your marital situation (does it mirror the termination process?) and without the structure and distraction of school it becomes more intense and occupies more of your mind's space.
Depression is pain, and I'm so sorry that this is happening. ((((((((kindcaringgentlehugs)))))))))
-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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