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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 81 to 105 of 105. Go back in thread:
Posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 18:15:35
In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 3:51:28
What are you saying sorry for? I'm just so enormously proud of you Alex.
As for *them*....STUFF 'EM. You've wasted enough of your precious time and energy on 'em. Though I have to admit that the idea of a vent-mail campaign does have a certain devilish appeal ;-)
Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 21:11:25
In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 25, 2005, at 18:15:35
hey. yeah.. the vent-mail campaign... to be fair i guess it is only the people who tried to help who trusted me with their email addresses. shouldn't abuse that. not their fault etc etc. yeah. i guess it will get better in time. i shall think of it as a relapse. fell off the wagon. bound to happen occasionally. don't think i even managed to last a week. yeah i know hurting myself won't change anything. it will just mean they will change strategy back to 'well shes had how much treatment to stop doing that? and if she still hasn't stopped that then there isn't anything we can do that we haven't done already'. hence my 'if i'm going down i'm taking them down with me' comment. they are bound to notice that. bound to notice. won't lead to treatment i appreciate that. but if it ever gets to that... well. that would be out of the question anyways. but anyway no point dwelling on that. no means etc etc. i can hold that thought for if / when things truely fall apart. i can't tell whether i'm serious or not. doesn't matter whether i am or not anyway. what are people going to do? call community mental health on me lol. so you see i'm going to be a bit of a dry drunk for a while. probably best to stay away from this board till i've got myself together a bit more. i'll stick around till my net access gets cut. but maybe... just maybe not on this board. sorry peoples.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 22:45:55
In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 21:11:25
not dead no no no but cured. i think... that can be arranged... i'll check with my gp.
:-)
oh happy days...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 5:59:11
In reply to Re: i want to be pronounced, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2005, at 22:45:55
enough already
sorry 'bout that
maybe i'm developing some kind of rapid cycling disorder...
lol
<joke>
i'm really sorry.
i really do think...
that some thoughts should be kept to oneself
and i've been losing it a little
i'm really sorry about that
time for...
a bit of a break or something...
i don't know.
time to throw myself into work
really
really reallyam cycling a bit...
need to
need to
must
move on...
Posted by cricket on October 26, 2005, at 11:01:07
In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 20:49:25
((((Alex))))
I hope you don't go away. I will miss you so much. You have helped me so much.
I wish you could just go somewhere else where they could help you. Isn't that possible? What about student visas and such?
I mean I know the US is f*ed up in its very own special way but I think you'd get more help here. There has to be some options. You are too valuable to the world for this to be happening. I guess I just don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 17:10:19
In reply to Re: i have been thinking... » alexandra_k, posted by cricket on October 26, 2005, at 11:01:07
> I hope you don't go away. I will miss you so much. You have helped me so much.
I hope you don't go away either. You help me too, you know. Maybe we should both stick around?
I'm waiting to see what happens with my internet access... It is possible that I won't be able to post anymore. I suppose it is probable that I will be asked to cut down. But I'm not sure. I have to wait and see.
I probably won't leave this board (internet access permitting). But I do need to get better at not posting when I'm in a bad place.
> I wish you could just go somewhere else where they could help you. Isn't that possible? What about student visas and such?No. Its not possible. Well... Yeah, I suppose I could apply to study in a different region. I might be able to get treatment in another region. But getting a job from there would be very tricky indeed. So yeah. I guess that when it comes down to it it is my possible career versus getting some help. And I can't have both and thus I must choose. And so yeah. I guess I choose to give everything I've got to the former. It helps to think of it as a decision, I suppose.
Its hard because I think that if I had both... Then my chances of getting through okay will be that much higher. But then I suppose that I've also learned... That having a therapist is absolutely no guarantee that that will be helpful. And I have to say that most... Seem to cause more harm than help.
So... I guess I'll just have to make do as best I can. And not dwell too much on whats going to happen if I have an episode.
> I mean I know the US is f*ed up in its very own special way but I think you'd get more help here.Yeah, but you guys have these nasty standardised tests called GRE that make a certain level of mathematical ability a pre-requisite for graduate study. Not everywhere, that is true. But I've exhausted my US options. Well... I suppose I could keep applying but your chances of getting in someplace you have already been turned down are very poor indeed. Not to mention very expensive just to apply.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 7:54:35
In reply to Re: i have been thinking..., posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2005, at 17:10:19
though to be fair i probably never did.
it is just that things have changed now...
well. over the past couple weeks i suppose.
and i don't know
i don't know
i
don't
know
i don't know how to see myself anymore
how to think of myself
what is wrong with me
the question i've compulsively asked from when i was little
ever since i can remember
what is wrong with me?
because something is wrong
i can feel that
i can
but i don't know what it is.
and answers...
the answers came thick and fast
a new answer every month
at least thats how it felt like
though each answer flowed into the next i suppose
a progressive deterioration
a complete breakand getting out of that was the hardest thing i've ever done
though thats just that particular hole
its not any better than how it was when i was a kid
its notbut it doesn't matter anymore
and that hurts
but then it always has i suppose
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...and i feel really scaired sometimes
because i am unstable
and i can't afford to be
and all it takes is an episode or two
and thats it
game over
and what are you going to do?
there isn't anything to be done...the trouble with community mental health is that...
you know it is just so much b*llshit really
because while they say i function too highly to qualify for treatment now...
its not so long ago that they said i functioned too poorly and that because i hadn't progressed with the treatment i had been given it was pointless offering me any more...
excuses
thats all
because they don't care
because they don't have to live with it
because they don't have to live with me
because they don't have to live with my pain
what does it matter to them?
it doesn't matter at all.
its of little consequence really.and i struggle sometimes
i really struggle just to get through the day
but thats of little consequence
and i think of all those days when i was really struggling and i just kept thinking
why are they taking so long?
and i was right
my worst fear
they had forgotten me
or at least...
they were trying to forget
and they were ignoring me on purpose
and i suffered through...
and he laughs and tells me that i function okay without contact from the service
and i say he hasn't assessed that
and he says its there in my file
and of course thats months old
but it doesn't matter
because its just an excusei still get the urge to throw a tantrum
to hurt them
to hurt him
he enjoyed that
the sick bastard
he actually enjoyed it
i said... at one point i said that it must be hard for him... for the load to be chucked on him for him to have to tell me that i was terminated
and he laughed
there was a lot of that
he laughed and said he didn't mind it at all
that it was part of his job
and there it was
and he did enjoy it
and i can seethat it is punishment
or something...
and they have been trying to get rid of me for years...
and even when i hurt myself
even when i hurt myself real bad
nobody came
nobody came
until the medical ward refused to discharge me and required a psych assessment
(they didn't want to get in trouble in case there was a repeat)
but they didn't care
because of course...
they want me dead
or something...i still feel the rage
i still feel the pain
part of me doesn't understand how they can do this to me
another part knows thats life
welcome to the real world
you don't really think anybody gives a f*ck.
no
things are changing...i imagine... i'm going to have to stop babbling.
i don't know what is going to happen with me.
i don't know what to do.
i'm frightened.
i don't want to mess up
but i'm unstable
and i really do think...
that messing up is inevitable
its part of my life
i just can't seem to function at times
and there it is.and yeah...
i thought what they offered me was hope
but its not hope
most certainly not anymore
and sometimes the prospect of prison isn't so bad when i really contemplate what i could do to them first...
because...
i'm going to mess up at some point at any rate
its inevitable
and then what am i going to do?
i get one shot...
one shot
and i'm not really ready
i wanted to be
i wanted to be so much
because the opportunity means everything to me
everything in the world
and i want it i want to do it i want to do well at it more than anything else in the world
but i'm not ready
and...
i probably never will be
and there it is.and thats what they have been telling me
that i can't do it
that i can't do it
and turns out they are right really...because a fact about me is that i can't function very well sometimes.
and a fact about life is that sometimes...
thats unacceptable.and there it is.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 8:06:01
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore..., posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 7:54:35
and i do wonder...
i do wonder how much it is a crockthe world is cold
thats the problem
the world is cold
it doesn't care
it doesn't give a damn
one way or the other
it doesn't have an opinion
because it just isand people
people can be like that too
out of sight out of mind
as the saying goes
and that happens
be quiet for a while...
and all thats left is a shadow
a dim recollection
and you may as well not exist really
infact it is preferable not to
because existence is painful
or at least mine is
and i really don't see...
that there is any hope
though maybe to be fair
it wasn't that i thought someone could save me
so much as i hoped to god that someone could
because i don't do so well on myself
never have
but then...
story of my life
etc
etc
what is wrong with me?
doesn't really matter...
of no consequence
sometimes...
i do believe its time to self destruct
its like i have to put my foot down at some point
enough!
things can't continue on like this...
i can't continue on like this...
and hope for change?i think the fates have kicked in...
because the fact is it is about being unwanted
of no consequence at allpeople pretending you don't exist
story of my life
and i don't think things like that change
because something is wrong with me
and it doesn't matter what it is
the point is that...
there is something wrong
though people don't see that
because they don't see me in the first placeand if they did...
if they did see me...
they'd just turn away in disgustmaybe they saw me after all
and i don't know how to make this stop...
Posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2005, at 8:29:51
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore..., posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 8:06:01
I wish you didn't have to be in such pain.
There MAY be something wrong with you, Alex, but you know what? There ARE things RIGHT with you. And we see those things every day here on Babble. You are smart and insightful and caring. You are dedicated and persistent and creative. Those things that are RIGHT are trying to help whatever is wrong. And the question is whether the right is stronger than the wrong. Can your strengths help you cope with your weaknesses? It would make SENSE for the Mental Health community to give your right some help here. And I wish I could make them do that.
We all have things wrong with us. I think that you have some pretty challenging things. But you also have some incredible strengths.
I wish I could make it all better for you, but I CAN stand here with my p*m-p*ms cheering you on.
Go, Alex! Go, Alex! You can do it!!!!!
Love,
Falls
Posted by ClearSkies on October 29, 2005, at 14:30:35
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore..., posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 8:06:01
Alexandra, any chance that your posts on the Substance board have something to do with how you are feeling at the moment? I really miss my mind altering drugs but have so felt so much better since I stopped using them.
Please take care - I really care about you.
ClearSkies
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:20:08
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » alexandra_k, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2005, at 8:29:51
hey
thanks for your response
i appreciate it
though it must be said
that i don't know
i
don't
know
how well i can receive it
because the things that are right with me...
may carry me through at times
may help me cope at times
but they aren't stronger then whats wrong...
or maybe it is more that
they can do it for a time
but what is wrong is persistent
pervasive
and it surfaces at times
it repeatedly surfaces
and during those times
all the good
ain't worth sh*t
and the fact is that i can't keep a lid on it all the time
i do have periods when i really don't do so well
when i really can't function
and that is the problem
just there
that i can't afford for that to happen anymore
its created lots of problems thus far
but...
it can't afford to happen anymore
or thats it
game overand it is simply bound to happen
and there it is
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:24:46
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » alexandra_k, posted by ClearSkies on October 29, 2005, at 14:30:35
> Alexandra, any chance that your posts on the Substance board have something to do with how you are feeling at the moment?
no
because i have been feeling like this for a while
or at least...
i've been cycling
through rage and hatred
and sadness and despair
for a while now
and because i didn't use that much
and because its been too long since i used
for withdrawal from that to be the thingi'm sorry
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:30:58
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » ClearSkies, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:24:46
really
enough!
Posted by muffled on October 29, 2005, at 18:39:55
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:30:58
Posted by ClearSkies on October 29, 2005, at 18:45:33
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:30:58
Posted by Damos on October 30, 2005, at 17:19:55
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:30:58
Dearest Alex,
I'm really sorry, I've done a bit of a Damos Copperfield and disappeared up my own backside of late.
What can I say. These posts are heartbreaking in so many ways. It hurts to hear you feeling like this, it hurts so much.
But you are right, the system doesn't care. Occasionally you're lucky enough to stumble across someone within the system that does, but the system itself doesn't. Sadly I guess it can be like being on a merry-go-round where they just keep you going around in circles but not actually getting anywhere; or worse a ferriswheel where they raise your hopes and build expectations and then dash them and bring you down, over and over again; or a roller-coaster ride full of ups and downs and dangerous curves. Sometimes we just have to decide that some rides really aren't good for us. Some of my food alergies are kind of like you and the health system. My body actually craves the very thing that will make it sick.
Your feelings about what's happened are reasonable and justified and it's also better that you get them out here than bottle them all up inside. So please don't be sorry. Anything you share with us is received as a precious gift, with warmth and love. Falls is right too, we're all behind you, beside you, and together we can all help each other get through the rough bits.
I'm sorry that they haven't cared, that they haven't ever really seen you. They don't know what they've missed.
I do not, cannot and will not accept that you cannot have the career you've chosen, your health and happiness. I refuse to accept that because you are my friend and you mean to much to me for me not to give all that I am and all that I have to support you. Believing in you and being your friend gives me a reason to get up every morning; a reason to hope; a reason to try to be better. I have seen you Alex, first as a Babbler and then as a flesh and blood person in real life, and the more I know you the more I want to know you. Our friendship is where I turn when I'm struggling and it helps me in so many ways.
Alex, I cannot save you or fix what has happened, though I would if I could. All I can do is be the best friend I can be. You don't have to do it all on your own. We'll all help in any way we can. Wish I could wish me there or you here so we could talk face-to-face over a coffee or ten and maybe some cheesecake.
I know how hard it can be to receive help and love and caring when all you can see is pain and hurt, I do. But I also know that you helped me learn to do that. Please, please, please don't give up on you because we won't. Let us help.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 31, 2005, at 11:35:47
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2005, at 18:30:58
how are you doing?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:10:16
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » alexandra_k, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2005, at 8:29:51
Hey Falls. I'm sorry about my last response. I'd take it back if I could, but I can't so I'll just respond again, okay?
That was a really lovely post. Really. Sometimes I just find it so very hard to see the good. The things that are okay. The things that are going right. Last night... I went to someones place and got really very stoned... And then I was walking home. Summer is just starting. Well... Not quite. Spring really. But it was a beautiful day and I was walking home at dusk. I cut through campus and part of the route is walking past a couple of lakes. And... It was really beautiful. There are lots of birds around the bush by the lakes and it was really warm and I looked around and thought... That right now things are okay. Its not so bad. My life isn't so bad. Not at all. I've had far worse environments to be living in (with respect to cold dark houses etc). And... This is a pretty country. And I'm okay.
And I think... I've snapped out of this a bit. It frightens me how fast I go downhill. And I can't believe how intense and how deep my despair can be sometimes... But the thing is... It lifts about as fast as it sets in.
I wish it didn't happen.
I'm sorry...
I get so very selfish and self-absorbed when I'm in one of those states.But yeah...
I am getting better...
All the time.
And I think...
Its people believing in me from babble that is helping.
And it does mean a great deal to me...
It is just that I forget that sometimes.
I'm sorry.You take care.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:18:36
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » alexandra_k, posted by ClearSkies on October 29, 2005, at 14:30:35
> Alexandra, any chance that your posts on the Substance board have something to do with how you are feeling at the moment?
Hey. You know... I don't think its about my substance addiction but I do think you are onto something... It is about my other addiction. My addiction to mental health services...
So... I've talked about that a bit already, and maybe people thought I was joking. But I'm not joking. Really. I am really not joking. Mental health services... Have become my drug. My addiction. And I think I need them to get through... And the trouble is that contact... Makes me worse more often than it helps me out.
And so... This is a lapse. A lapse in my judgement when I think that I do need them and I forget that I don't need them. And I forget that in my better moments I don't even want them anyway. Because they harm me more than they ever helped me and I don't want to be harmed by them anymore. I want to get better.
But poly-addiction can be a problem... And I do need to be careful that I don't return to substances to get by...
It is hard...
I've been to a couple of drug treatments. Speed and LSD. Have to watch it with the speed especially (and the p now that I've discovered it gives me that same feeling...).
The treatments didn't work out for me. Got back into using dope. That was the thing for me... I know people say it is the gateway drug but fact is... For me it actually does have a use. When I get myself into one of these panicked states... Smoking chills me out in a way that probably only benzo's could match (and I'm a little tooooo fond of them). So I think... That it does have a theraputic use for me. But I need to be careful when I'm doing it too much. When I'm doing it too much to escape daily life. To numb my feelings when I am strong enough to cope without it.
I dunno...
Balance I suppose...
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:19:16
In reply to its ok Alex.its ok really (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by muffled on October 29, 2005, at 18:39:55
(((((muffled)))))
thank you.i hope you are having a nice day :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:20:01
In reply to Alex?, posted by rainbowbrite on October 31, 2005, at 11:35:47
hey rain.
doing much better today.
you have babblemail...:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:22:56
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 30, 2005, at 17:19:55
> I'm really sorry, I've done a bit of a Damos Copperfield and disappeared up my own backside of late.
yeah... well that was pretty much where i was at too. i guess... we all do that sometimes. it is just that some people are more vocal than others.... sigh. i'm sorry.
> Some of my food alergies are kind of like you and the health system. My body actually craves the very thing that will make it sick.yeah. that sucks. really really sucks...
((((damos)))))
i know you haven't been doing so well either...
in fact...
i know lots of people have been struggling out there...i'm sorry people.
maybe one day... i'll learn to keep more of a lid on it.thanks for caring. means a lot.
Posted by Damos on October 31, 2005, at 19:03:45
In reply to Re: yeah, i'm sorry » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:22:56
Just sooooooooooooooo happy to see you Alex. No more apologies for being you okay. We all love you for who you are. You just be here with us however you need to be on any given day and you will always be welcomed with open arms and lots of love okay.
(((((Alex)))))
Posted by fallsfall on October 31, 2005, at 21:35:55
In reply to Re: i don't know anything anymore... » ClearSkies, posted by alexandra_k on October 31, 2005, at 18:18:36
I can relate to an addiction to mental health services.
I believe that I was addicted to being depressed. It gave me an identity. It told me how to behave. It reduced expectations to a point where I could meet them. It is hard to function - it was easier to cop out and be depressed. But, I must say, functioning is more fun.
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 31, 2005, at 21:51:28
In reply to So glad to see you :-) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on October 31, 2005, at 19:03:45
This is the end of the thread.
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