![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
[email protected]Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
I need to thank some of my friends for their support Wed night in a modified Open chat...Poet, Alldone, Dinah and Falls..GG, sorry I missed you...I believe that you helped me make it through a very tough time and gave me a few more reasons to hang around a little longer.A little more than a month ago I picked out July 20th as a good day, practically speaking, to die. I made a list of things that needed to be done and I set about operationalizing all of this. Slowly but surely I checked things off my list but the pull of suicide, the seduction, had eased off because the date was "later" -- I didn't need to think about it because I had given up the struggle. And my therapist went on vacation and I struggled with the aftermath of my dad's visit and all the crap at work...and the date was background noise. As it got closer, I felt more anxious and yet more and more ready. I was telling things in therapy I hadn't before, there was an urgency to get it said, to get it out there. By Tuesday I was a huge ball of anxiety, yet therapy went in a different direction and I couldn't tell him what was brewing. I didn't want to have him stop me either, nor did I want to explain it all, again.
So at 3AM Wed morning I was pacing around and I watched my sons sleeping...and I realized that I wasn't as emotionally ready as I thought. Operationally everything is done. I just didn't know how to leave them. So I wrote a letter to my therapist explaining the past month and how scared I felt right now and I decided that I would keep one last promise, which was to talk this over with him before I took any action. So I went into therapy and gave him my letter. As I read it to him, I could see the dawn of comprehension on his face and his horror. He was pretty upset with me for shutting him out (his phrase). He said he felt like he had been asleep at the wheel, but he knew how well I hid things and how together I always look. Which is completely true. You'd absolutely never know what a mess I am. He tells me I'm scary that way. We talked a lot about my boys and the effect of losing a parent this way has on kids. He wanted to know the details of the plan and I refused to share those with him. He extracted another "no harm" promise and I left. Life went south on me that evening and night but having support and friends in the chat was a lifeline and I kept remembering what I had promised. At 12:30am I sighed and noted that the day had come and gone, but I was still here.
When I went to therapy today, the first thing he said was,"I'm so glad to see you and that you are still here." I feel bad for worrying him like this again. We spent the session talking about how much power these feelings had gained by not sharing them with him and by planning in isolation. He agrees with me that the danger has not yet passed, that every trigger over the next few days will result in the "just do it" struggle. We spent some time on how to eliminate certain triggers and how to get support when I'm set off or upset by others. It was hard to leave, harder than yesterday, because I'm afraid to be alone with myself. We talked this evening too, he said he was "reducing his own anxiety" by keeping close tabs on me. I cried, finally, on the phone this evening because I'm really not sure I have the strength to keep fighting back. It is a strong urge to end all this pain. He feels a great deal of this comes from the really old feelings of being worthless, unimportant and almost invisible. I agree that I want to validate these feelings by disappearing completely. He tells me I'm important to him, and to my kids. That he cares and he would miss me. It was nice of him to say that. I thought he'd be really mad about this. He said he is "mad" that I haven't been telling him, but he NEEDS to hear what is real and he wants to hear about all of this, especially these suicidal thoughts and plans. He was pretty calm, though I think when he gets the letter and final payment I mailed him, he'll be upset again. (It was on the list...) He was pretty directive today about reducing triggers and self-care. But he did it in a gentle way that didn't feel heavy handed or punitive. And I agreed to talk to him everyday for a little while.
I don't really know why I'm posting all this. I guess I'm still just barely hanging on and looking for more support. I know I haven't been posting much and so I feel like I'm just barging back but... You guys have become like an extended family and I need you. I feel like the guy in the movie The Mask. "Somebody STOP me!"
Thanks for reading all this. Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by jammerlich on July 22, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
(((((Daisy)))))
I'm sorry I don't really know what to say. I seem to be the worst at finding words when I want most to use them.
Just know that I read every word you wrote and you are NOT invisible and we would ALL miss you very much if you were to hurt yourself. I was actually thinking about you earlier today because I hadn't seen you on the board in awhile. Your absence was felt. You matter to me!!
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 5:38:17
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Daisy, if you're ever wondering about reasons to stick around, contact me, ok? I'll be happy to relay how much I care about you, and how devastated I'd be if you weren't around.
I understand, really I do. You've got sooo much going on. More than any person of any sensibility at all could handle without wanting to crumble. And I understand the pull of suicide as an escape. I tell my therapist that I couldn't bear life if I didn't know I could end it.
But maybe there are ways and ways to crumble. Maybe you could crumble in a way that you *think* would cause more pain than just leaving life would cause for your family and loved ones (include me in that). But you're wrong, you know. No matter how much pain admitting you can't do it all, asking for help, throwing in the towel at work, or going to the hospital would cause, it's nothing like the pain your suicide would cause.
Please remember that.
Because I might need you to remind me of it at any time.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2005, at 7:27:05
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Dasiy -
I am so glad you found the support you needed to get past your date (which is my niece's birthday and my sister's weddding anniversary btw).
One of my closest friends father killed himself. It is a pain that she lives with daily. It's always there, "why would he do this to me?" "didn't he want to see me get married?" "didn't he care about me?". I think, for children, they take it personally.
Your pain is so strong. I hope you find the strength to keep fighting back. You are loved and so important to many people, especially your children. Even though they are almost "grown up", they still need their mom. You'll need to help them pick out their tux for their wedding, buy the best toys for your granchildren ... so much of your life has yet to unfold. So much good stuff yet to experience. Right now, you're uncovering all that pain that you had to bury to go on with your life. Now, with the help of the best therapist on the planet Earth, he can help you sort through all that mucky muck. And it takes so much time. You had to bury all that pain for 20? 30? years, so it's going to take a few to get all of it out there. The reward is so great. You can do this. But it is so darn HARD.
I think I remember that you stopped taking your medication, do you feel those urges got stronger once you stopped? I know you felt it wasn't helping you, but maybe it kept those urges at bay.
I am glad your t wants daily contact. The weekend can seem like a long time.
Thinking of you,
Annierose
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 9:44:24
In reply to Re: Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long » daisym, posted by annierose on July 22, 2005, at 7:27:05
(((daisy)))
i wish i had known you were feeling this way. last december was SO bad for me i set a death date of Feb. 27th. i did that cuz i wanted to act then and there but my pdoc's words echoed in my head "you have a lot of impulsivity" so i took out the impulse by setting a date far off. far off enough to line up bills, finances, make a plan and prepare just right. the week before my anxiety started to show severely, at the time i was seeing a temp therapist and thanks to babble people i chose to write a letter stating how i felt. i had two more appts with her i called and cancelled the one and then called back and cancelled the last one but i had appt with pdoc on friday and promised myself i would tell him of my plan before i acted.
luckily the T told my pdoc that wed. and that day she called and pretty much insisted that i come in WITH my husband.
well, they decided to hospitalize me. i know for a fact had i not be hospitalized i would infact had gone through with the plan.i see this know as why it's SO important to be open with you T. some can't handle a lot of Suicide talk, if you are and they can't it's time to move on. cuz they'll be so afraid both for you AND for themselves and that will cloud their judgement and not be able to help you.
long story short.
i love you. from a long time ago you really helped me to communicate with my t, and work through some troubling issues.
you were SO much help to me and such an asset on this board.
even though this isn't IRL, and it's not a Professional Psych place. It's even better cuz we can speak freely. PLEASE take advantage of that.i thank you for being so strong and holding on (and YES you are strong) believe it or not...you are.
with care
b2c.
tha
Posted by greyskyeyes on July 22, 2005, at 10:27:45
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Daisy,
I haven't been posting here very long so I hope I'm not being presumptuous. I've lurked for a while (since December, actually) and sort of gotten to "know" a lot of people through reading all the posts. You seem to me to be a strong, capable and vibrant woman, one with a large capacity for caring. I know it's hard to feel strong and capable sometimes but it shows in your posts, in the challenges you've weathered, in the support you give to others. You are one of the rocks on this board and your presence would be sorely missed.
My paternal grandfather killed himself when my father was 12. I have always regretted not having the chance to know him. I treasure my relationships with my other 3 grandparents, and can only imagine what it would have been like with him. I found out recently that he was a very accomplished musician, and it made me cry because I am one myself and always wondered where it came from. I would have loved to play the piano for him.
Your boys would miss you deeply, and their children will miss you deeply if you are not there to watch them grow up, to spoil them and give them kisses. Watch your boys at night when they sleep, that angelic sleep which is so transient as they always wake up and morph into devilish creatures. Watch them, love them, and realize that killing yourself would also kill the feeling of that love.
You have a wonderful T. I'm so glad to hear you've let him in on this, and are letting him help you. Lean on him. Now let him be your rock. And let Babble be your rock.
I hope this all made sense, and again I hope I wasn't being presumptuous... words have a way of coming out all wrong for me. Just know that there's someone in the DC area of the States who cares about you and is rooting for you. You can survive this.
~ greyskyeyes
p.s. I'm always a bit leery about giving hugs in case they're not wanted (I'm not a huggy person myself), but here's one if you would like it: ((((((((((Daisy))))))))))
Posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2005, at 10:41:15
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Please thank your children for me. Even when they get older, they still need their mommy. My 22 year old is house/cat sitting and they both now have fleas and she had a bad allergic reaction - and she called her mommy. She said that she had a "Mommy Question".
When life gets this bad, it is time to start considering changing some of the things that you think can never be changed. It is amazing what desperation can enable you to do. It let me change therapists (and I was almost as attached as Dinah is...). I'd rather see you change your life than end it.
I'm glad that you came clean with your therapist. This is critically important. Please promise yourself that you will continue to tell him "the whole truth and nothing but the truth".
I believe that your life can get better. I truly do.
Please keep your promise to talk to your therapist before you do anything.
I need you.
Love,
Falls(((((...Daisy)))))...
Posted by gardenergirl on July 22, 2005, at 10:54:50
In reply to Re: Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long » daisym, posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2005, at 10:41:15
Daisy,
I want to thank you for your honesty here. You could have let the date come and pass and never told us. I'm so glad you are reaching out and letting us in--and of course letting your T in.You've been working so hard in therapy for so long at such intensity. I wish there were some way to make the pain go away for good. My hope for you is that someday it will be a smaller part of your whole self and the rest of wonderful you will feel bigger and more prominent.
In the meantime, please allow us to keep reminding you about that other part of yourself, who reaches out to others in kindness, caring, and humor; who loves her boys and her husband; who is an inspiring advocate; and so so much more.
Daisy, I love all of you. I'm so glad you are here.
(((Daisy)))
gg
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 11:49:02
In reply to Re: Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long » daisym, posted by fallsfall on July 22, 2005, at 10:41:15
You know, Falls, that's very wise.
When things are *that* bad, it is true that there's not much to lose in change.
I'm almost getting to that place in work, but I think I'm going to totally have to self destruct before I truly accept that.
God, I'm going to have to save your post, Falls.
(And I wanted you to know that although you set out to help one person, you ended up helping me as well, and maybe more.)
Posted by LadyBug on July 22, 2005, at 16:17:01
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Daisy
I feel I'm rather new too and I don't know your history and such but I still admire you so much for the strength it has taken you to be honest with us and with your T.
I've had that pain where everything seems hopeless and down right awful. I was in touch with my T. everyday as well. I know she helped save my life. It meant something to know she cared even though I told her she was just protecting her own butt legally. I know I scared her. I'm a mom of 2 daughters and I know you're a mom of 2 sons. I could never do that to my kids. I know how much I love them and how it would be for them to have to deal with. I couldn't let my husband raise them!! Even though he's a pretty good dad, it's not the same.
Your kids need you. They love you! I'm sure they bring you a lot of joy and will in the years to come. You are an amazing person inside. Even though I don't know you well I believe this is true. You have shown me strength since I've been here at babble. I'm sorry you've been hurting and going through so much.
Remember nothing lasts forever, not even pain. Things will not stay the same. They will change. I'm not saying things will get better, I wanted to smack people when they told me that. I do know that things change and the way things are right now won't last forever. You hang in there tight with us and with your T. okkkkkkkkk!!!!
We're here for you.
LadyBug
Posted by Shortelise on July 22, 2005, at 19:14:58
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
Daisy
I don't know much what to say. I hope the pain begins to ease off, and that it becomes easier to resist the urge to die.
((daisy))
ShortE
Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 19:41:51
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
hi Daisy,
I'm so glad you're still here! I'm so glad your T was kind to you, and so glad that he pointed out that he AND your kids would miss you.Please stay strong! You can do it. Life is worth living, for your kids and for yourself.
Your kids would miss you terribly. All their lives, I imagine, they'd wonder if it was their fault. I understand that young children blame themselves for everything from divorce to getting beaten perpetually to cancer in a family member. Kids really take everything quite personally and think everthing bad is their fault. If a parent is not terminally ill with a painful and wasting disease, I don't think any child would understand why they did it, or could ever stop blaming themselves.
That being said (and I'm sure you've heard all that before, over and over) -- I'm so glad that you kept your promise to your T and stayed alive and worked with him.
I think it could mean that there is a desire to live and be happy deep within you, a spark of strength and belief and power. I hope you continue to fan that spark of happiness until it bursts into flame and you can be happy and don't need to think about ending things again.
take care of yourself.
I'm thinking of you and hoping that all is well with you and your family.JenStar
Posted by daisym on July 23, 2005, at 0:18:04
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
It means a lot that you all took the time to respond. It has been hard to hang on today and harder still to understand why I feel so gosh darn bad. But...
It is nice to have friends. You are all very special.
Posted by Poet on July 23, 2005, at 0:28:34
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
(((((((((((Daisy)))))))))))))
I'm glad you're still here.
It's okay to talk to your T as often as you need to. Talk to us, too.
You've helped me in the past, count on me to help you any way I can in the present and future.
Poet
Posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 1:22:15
In reply to Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by daisym on July 22, 2005, at 2:32:30
I don't know if I can add much more to what others have said. Just that I'm glad you're still here.
We love you a lot, Daisy. You are a beautiful person. Is that knowledge sometimes stronger than the darkness that takes hold? I pray that it always will be.
Voce
Posted by antigua on July 23, 2005, at 12:49:41
In reply to Re: Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 1:22:15
Daisy, I'm glad you made it.
I know exactly how you feel.
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 21:20:25
In reply to Re: Power of Honesty --- (Full On Trigger) Long, posted by antigua on July 23, 2005, at 12:49:41
Thinking of you today...
gg
Posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
In reply to How are you , Daisy?, posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 21:20:25
hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.
And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again. It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway. He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.
So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.
Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.
I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))
Posted by muffled on July 25, 2005, at 0:34:18
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
> hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
>
> I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.
>
> And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again. It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway. He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
>
> This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.
>
> So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.
>
> Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.
>
> I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))Its ok to feel bad. Its ok to goto hosp. and just take a break for awhile. Suicide may seem like an answer but its HUGE, the ripples spread and spread long after your gone, the pain continues, its just someone elses. I expect most of us here who have come close have moments where we say 'thank God I didn't do it' AND moments when we say 'I wish I had'. But when I say 'I wish I had' I am thinking only of myself and not on others pain as a result.
Others want to help you. You are not a problem. If they don't want to help they'll proly back off. You think offing yourself isn't going to be an even bigger burden to others? The world needs you in a thousand diff. ways- picnics for one! Suicide is not an answer- THINGS DO get better. They WILL. Its hard right now but its possible to survive this, you CAN. I survived,can't quite beleive it sometimes(oftentimes!), but I'm glad I did. Sorry if I sound harsh, I think I'm talking to myself too. Take care, you seem awfully nice.
Posted by pinkeye on July 25, 2005, at 18:12:11
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
((Daisy))
Will it be of any help for you, if you can turn your anger into your father, and not into yourself? Whenever you start doubting yourself, or feeling bad, or feeling down, or thinking about hurting yourself, remember that all of it does not belong to you. IT really belongs to your dad, and what he did to you. And you were just a victim.For me, that was the key helping thing. To remember that my dad was the wrong one. (not as much as your dad did, but to a certain extent). I allowed myself to feel intense rage and anger towards him, calling him names to myself, asking him all sorts of questions from "How could you" to "Don't ever dare to do it again" - kind of mentally preparing myself against him. And it gave me a lot of empowerment, and after a while, I stopped feeling bad against him also.
Remember that, none of the mistakes are yours. You did not do any mistake whatsoever. All of them are done by your father, and that you don't deserver more punishment for being a victim in the first place. If any, you deserve a wonderful life and great love and caring and support. Not less.
> hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
>
> I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.
>
> And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again. It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway. He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
>
> This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.
>
> So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.
>
> Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.
>
> I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))
Posted by gardenergirl on July 25, 2005, at 22:20:42
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
> hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
Well, given the cascade of emotions you are going through, I suppose it is.
>
> I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.Sounds like you are on a roller coaster. The picnic sounds lovely, and what a treat for the kids. Good for you. And I can guarantee that the office staff--your friends and colleagues--will miss you terribly. They would never understand.
>
> And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again.Daisy, I know it feels this way to you. You've had to struggle with this all alone for so long before you began this process. And you didn't even know it. It's not at all foolish to want to take a break from handling things and to want someone to take care of you. It's not at all surprising, and frankly, if you didn't have this feeling of wanting to stop *doing* and just rest, I'd be very very surprised.
>It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway.
I can imagine. Ignorance is bliss?
>He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
That does make things complicated. In the hospital you would be *allowed* to rest and be taken care of, assuming you could let yourself. I'm not sure about the OT intern, but could you speak with her privately and just ask her for privacy and respect? I'm sure she would comply. It's her job, afterall. And about xxxxxxx, I think he could at least visit you and definitely talk to you on the phone. Did you two talk about that aspect? But of course the idea of not having him as primary would be daunting.
>
> This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.What a horrible response to reaching out for help. No wonder it's so darned hard for you. And it is scary. Damned scary.
>
> So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.I know you've heard this, but I need to repeat it, and I need you to hear it again. You are NOT a burden. You are not imposing. You are asking people who care about you immensely for help, and that is a good thing. We want to help you, free and clear. You are worth it, and you are loved.
Please keep posting, email me, or give me a call. I would welcome any request, or just to listen. Or I could talk your ear off if you need distraction.
>
> Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.I'm not sorry. I thank you for answering honestly.
((((Daisy))))
>
> I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))Thanks for remembering. That's such a mom thing. :) It's better, thanks.
gg
Posted by happyflower on July 26, 2005, at 0:30:24
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » daisym, posted by gardenergirl on July 25, 2005, at 22:20:42
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2005, at 8:12:55
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
Daisy, love, the depression and stress are playing mind games with you. The conclusions you're drawing aren't logical, because you're too deep in the swirling vortex caused by the depression.
I've been there, so I can see this. You've been there, and you can see it in others (including me on occasion), but almost by definition it's harder to see it in yourself.
There are a few medications that are good for this kind of thinking. Risperdal helps me a LOT. If you can be honest with your pdoc, or if you prefer have your therapist be honest with your pdoc, she can help you.
Don't listen to what your brain is telling you. It's overwhelmed by despair, depression, and intense anxiety. It's lying to you about the relative pain hospitalization and suicide will bring to your loved ones. It's lying to you about being a burden, and about how best to handle that feeling.
I know it's hard not to rely on that same brain, when relying on the brain is what we do, right? We're logical and we get the job done. That means relying on the brain. But the brain gets tired too, Daisy.
Daisy, you've told me the same things in the past. You know you have. And you were right. Take another step back, and pretend you are listening to me tell you the things you're telling yourself. Read your post and pretend Falls or gg or I wrote it.
Let your therapist and pdoc help you as they think best.
Going in the hospital is not something anyone wakes up and decides would be a fun way to spend the day. But if you think it would be worse for your friends, your family, and yourself to be in the hospital than to be dead by suicide - well, just pretend *I* had said that.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2005, at 12:03:14
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
I may be completely and totally off base here, so feel free to ignore me. But I thought I'd share it anyway, because it helps me, and it might possibly help you.
I'm not really good at feeling angry sometimes. And I find that my strongest suicidal impulses have imbedded in them a certain amount of aggression and rage. I might tell myself it's all about wanting to escape, not being able to bear the pain. But if I'm more truthful with myself than I'd care to be, I can detect the rage as well.
Including rage at the people I most love.
The sort I really really don't want to acknowledge.
But I also find that if I *do* acknowledge the rage, it helps reduce the strength of the suicidal urges.
It doesn't have to be logical or sensible rage, or rage that you approve of.
Some of it probably it is more obvious than others. Like being angry with Daddy when he was dying *for* dying. And for not being terribly pleasant to be around.
Some of it was less obvious and a lot less rational. Like the people I love not being aware of the pain I was in, even though I was careful to hide it. Or my therapist encouraging me to lean on him, but then not being as available as I really needed him to be. Even though, given the nature of the therapeutic relationship, he really put himself out for me.
This might not strike any bells at all for you.
And it was sort of hard for me to write.
But I thought I'd share it, just in case.
Posted by Tamar on July 26, 2005, at 15:12:41
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
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