Posted by gardenergirl on July 25, 2005, at 22:20:42
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
> hmmm....that shouldn't be a hard question, should it?
Well, given the cascade of emotions you are going through, I suppose it is.
>
> I can move away from the dark thoughts and get stuff done. I organized a whole picnic yesterday for 200 kids. It was great - they were so adorable and everyone agreed it was a nice peaceful day. And then I went back to the office and put everything away and sat at my desk and thought "I'm going to miss this place, I wonder if they will miss me?" My therapist is still keeping close tabs, though I ducked him somewhat today. We traded messages. And yet tonight I realize that I'm sad because I didn't talk to him.Sounds like you are on a roller coaster. The picnic sounds lovely, and what a treat for the kids. Good for you. And I can guarantee that the office staff--your friends and colleagues--will miss you terribly. They would never understand.
>
> And that makes me shake myself. I think yesterday I really wanted him to TELL me what to do, to make decisions for me. I wanted someone to take charge of me and keep me safe. And he did give instructions. But I ended up feeling foolish about what I wanted so today I pulled inside again.Daisy, I know it feels this way to you. You've had to struggle with this all alone for so long before you began this process. And you didn't even know it. It's not at all foolish to want to take a break from handling things and to want someone to take care of you. It's not at all surprising, and frankly, if you didn't have this feeling of wanting to stop *doing* and just rest, I'd be very very surprised.
>It is horrible that I can see what I'm doing, and yet not be able to stop myself anyway.
I can imagine. Ignorance is bliss?
>He suggested the hospital on Thursday and I freaked and backed him off. But I've been thinking about it over the weekend and talking to Falls about it. Besides the fact that one of my favorite employees in interning there this summer for an OT rotation (nothing like having your mentor committed, is there?) I can't get past the fact that I won't be able to see my own therapist. I feel like I'm being punished.
That does make things complicated. In the hospital you would be *allowed* to rest and be taken care of, assuming you could let yourself. I'm not sure about the OT intern, but could you speak with her privately and just ask her for privacy and respect? I'm sure she would comply. It's her job, afterall. And about xxxxxxx, I think he could at least visit you and definitely talk to you on the phone. Did you two talk about that aspect? But of course the idea of not having him as primary would be daunting.
>
> This is really old, I know that. I tell the secret-- "I'm suicidal" and I get taken away from my family and I can't see the person I'm completely attached to. I can't seem to reframe this for myself. I think it is just too scary to contemplate.What a horrible response to reaching out for help. No wonder it's so darned hard for you. And it is scary. Damned scary.
>
> So -- I can't help but think I should have just followed through last Wednesday. As scared as I was that morning, this back and forth is much worse. And I've become a burden to several people I care about because I've shared this with them. I've made it someone else's problem. And I never intended that.I know you've heard this, but I need to repeat it, and I need you to hear it again. You are NOT a burden. You are not imposing. You are asking people who care about you immensely for help, and that is a good thing. We want to help you, free and clear. You are worth it, and you are loved.
Please keep posting, email me, or give me a call. I would welcome any request, or just to listen. Or I could talk your ear off if you need distraction.
>
> Are you sorry you asked now? Sorry. I shouldn't be flip. I do appreciate how much everyone cares. It makes how I feel so much harder.I'm not sorry. I thank you for answering honestly.
((((Daisy))))
>
> I hope your tummy is better. (((GG)))Thanks for remembering. That's such a mom thing. :) It's better, thanks.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:531402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/533516.html