Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2005, at 12:03:14
In reply to Re: How are you , Daisy? » gardenergirl, posted by daisym on July 25, 2005, at 0:09:27
I may be completely and totally off base here, so feel free to ignore me. But I thought I'd share it anyway, because it helps me, and it might possibly help you.
I'm not really good at feeling angry sometimes. And I find that my strongest suicidal impulses have imbedded in them a certain amount of aggression and rage. I might tell myself it's all about wanting to escape, not being able to bear the pain. But if I'm more truthful with myself than I'd care to be, I can detect the rage as well.
Including rage at the people I most love.
The sort I really really don't want to acknowledge.
But I also find that if I *do* acknowledge the rage, it helps reduce the strength of the suicidal urges.
It doesn't have to be logical or sensible rage, or rage that you approve of.
Some of it probably it is more obvious than others. Like being angry with Daddy when he was dying *for* dying. And for not being terribly pleasant to be around.
Some of it was less obvious and a lot less rational. Like the people I love not being aware of the pain I was in, even though I was careful to hide it. Or my therapist encouraging me to lean on him, but then not being as available as I really needed him to be. Even though, given the nature of the therapeutic relationship, he really put himself out for me.
This might not strike any bells at all for you.
And it was sort of hard for me to write.
But I thought I'd share it, just in case.
poster:Dinah
thread:531402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/533732.html