Posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 20:10:42
In reply to Re: books » Angela2, posted by alexandra_k on October 15, 2014, at 18:56:35
Got a batch of grading this morning. Not too bad. Only 30 of them. Went for a walk... Through the domain... It is a big park, really. There is a cafe in the middle. I sat down there for an hour or so and marked about 4 of them. It was really pleasant. I just... Needed to get out. To get off campus. I remembered... The places that I'd been to with my keyworker... Different cafes around one of the nice Suburbs on one side... I remembered the music... And how the atmosphere seemed pleasant. More... Sophisticated. No sound of squeely teenage girls.
I am used to thinking that campus is my refuge. And I guess it used to be. In Australia. The Research part of campus. Because the campus was fairly split with the research schools in one part and the undergraduate part of campus up the other end... And around the research schools... Was always pretty. And quiet. And pleasant. And there were cafes and stuff... And you could go and work in them... And quite a lot of people did that.
Partly it is about... The flow of people, or something. The places you have to go... The paths you find to take... Where you end up spending most of your time. I have suspected for a while now that I'm currently in the noisiest parts... Because the classes I'm doing are more... Uh... Remedial. And the natural walkways between them and so on... Anyway... It was wonderfully peaceful around the domain. And I realise that I need to get away from campus more. Make the trek to the suburb. It is just up the hill... Or really not far on the bus... Work in some of those cafes... Be around... Calmer people.
One of the chemistry guys took me along to an Organic lab yesterday. In part I feel bad... Like it is unfair that I got that. He took 15 minutes to explain the lab and then went with me to it... And stood next to me... So I got to observe for about an hour. He said that they could put me on the end of a row... But that anything more than that was really very hard. There were 5 pods but only 4 had students in them. The last one was about half empty. The students were really focused and all seemed to know what they were doing. I guess I felt.. Intimidated. Chemistry labs are hard for me because of the numbers involved in reading the equipment. And then after a couple hours needing to do calculations in a bustly environment.
At the end we walked back through and the middle pods were... Crowded, yeah. With people who really didn't look like they knew what they were doing. Panicked eyes.
I don't really understand how that last pod got the focused people. Pod assignments are meant to be random... But maybe they do take some people out? Or maybe it was just luck or something. The way things turned out. It will make a considerable difference to me to be on the end of a row, though. Whether it is in the last pod or whatever... I would prefer a corner if possible... I need to not feel... Surrounded by squeely and yippy people on all sides...
One of the demonstrators was saying that around 1 in 4 don't seem to have opened their lab manual before class... So I got told to mark mine up with highlighters. So the tutors can tell at a glance that I have put in the work, I suppose. Apparently quite a few can't do a 'simple titration' even by the end of their second year. It puzzles me that they don't think that maybe they aren't teaching them right if they haven't learned how to do that in 2 years... They really do seem to think that either you know before you start with them or there is no hope for you. I wish they could list all the skills they are going to assume that I have already (that they aren't going to teach me) so I could make sure I learn them. Youtube... I said about maybe getting glassware since they can't give me any practice with it... Since they said kids are sick of that from school because teh teachers do it all the time because it is cheap... I think youtube is the way to go. watch that... All the people showing you how... Get a sense of the way things should be done from that. Just like dissection... Apparently they won't show us how because some kids already know and they will be bored. I don't understand why they can't have options for kids who won't be bored. Or options for kids who don't expect to be entertained. I mean... Those bored kids.. Can they do it perfect, then? 100%? I'm not saying to make everyone suffer through... Just to offer a class for people who think they could stand to learn something...
Anyway... Whatever... I give up. You need something to reward the kids / parents who paid a fortune for their kids private school education, I guess. The schools who had enough money to purchase equipment like Ph meters and element plates that have a magnet that stirs solutions and so on and so forth... The schools that have teachers good enough to offer lunch time science classes or whatever so the kids could spend plenty of time with the equipment. Learning how to use it all properly. So then when they get to uni they can simply use the equipment to do what they are supposed to do. Instead of not knowing how they are supposed to do anything... Because the lab is designed to not bore the rich kids / parents instead of teaching the kids who don't know. But it is what it is. I can't save the world. I need to just worry about me, for now.
I need to spend less time with mother. I had a conversation that was... HOrrible, really. Triggering. Yeah. I talked to her last week and that was okay. Then she made me promise to phone her this week at a certain day for her birthday... Which I didn't really want to do, but then thought that it seemed important to her so whatever... Anyway... When I got her she was exhausted really from everything. Super excited. Her friend... Old... Was in hospital for a while and now just transitioned into a home. So mother was spending nearly every morning with her while she was at the hospital. She's like that, you see. When people are sick and can't get away then she's absolutely bloody stoked. Because they can't get away, you see. And she can be all... virtuous feeling. so she's on and on and on (wonder where i get that from) about how she was feeding her because otherwise she wouldn't eat (gosh damn i remember that) and so on... and it makes me feel... dirty and horrid, actually. i hope her friend is enjoying it... she might be, i suppose.
and now she's still super excited because she gets to spend her mornings at the home. which is full of people. and so she's full of stories about these people and so on and so on and so on. and of course she's bored and lonely and it gives her something to do with her day. which is great. but she's full of this sense of... virtue. righteousness. that she's doing these things... that other people should be all thinking that she's so very noble etc for going and spending all this time with her... but she's not doing it for her friend, really, she's doing it for herself. because she's bored and lonely and getting a kick out of it. she said something about how she was telling the nurse that she hoped that the other people there didn't mind how mother was so chatty to them all etc etc etc... that the nurse should tell her if they just wanted to be left alone... and i was like 'can't you tell? can't you tell from people whether they seem to be enjoying chatting with you or whether they seem to want you to leave them be?' and i realised...
she can tell. and when she gets that sense that you want her to leave you be -- she really homes in. especially if there is something that she's doing in particular that is upsetting you... she'll sort of grab that and magnify it. and then be all fascinated with what you are going to do with that / how you are going ot react...
and the point of getting a nurse to tell her is that then she hopes to have a conversation with the nurse about how she's virtuous and righteous and friendly and so on and so forth and the other person is a grumpy meanie and so on. even though she knows the nurses are run off their feet... she was saying about how her friend was doing something in a toilet or shower or whatever and she was helping and then she needed help so she sounded the alarm and then the nurse didn't come... she didn't come... and i was like 'are they busy - or are they loafing about in a nurses station?' and she was like 'they are really busy'. and i'm thinking to myself... and there you go... making more work for them... oh but mother is 'helping'. of course she is.
and she is f*ck*ng exhausting. and i can't deal with it. especially since she's what i had when i was growing up... she's the model i had in teaching me how to cope with my own sh*t...
i have my hands full with dealing with hightened physiological arousal myslef. tendencies that ... repulse and disgust me. that i loathe... that... magnify with certain kinds of stressors. chemistry labs worry me... those good kids... i want to be able to calmly fit in there.. and i'm not sure that i'm capable. right off the bat. think i'll freak a bit... become horrid lab partner for one of them. do i deserve a lab partner who knows what they are doing? i'm not entirely sure that is so...
i don't know what i'm saying. but i do know i want to focus on wanting to be better... and i can't cope shoved in the middle of a herd... i am afraid that i'm just like her. but i do think that somehow or other i've got better insight into and can perhaps gain better control over some of this sh*t... i also think that i am different, somehow. that while i might have some tendencies to be like her... i am different, somehow. my emotions... have turned out not to be anywhere near as bad for me to deal with and her emotions were. getting her emotions out of me.. that was a huge f*ck*ng issue to start with... and talking to her.. she doens't have basic ideas of how things like the weather or food or whatever affects mood etc... she's determined it is 'because god wills it so' (she went through a phase of that for a number of years) or... her anxiety... she talks about it like it is an external demon that afflicts her that she has no control over...
i will refocus on my exams... and get this grading done. i will.. physics... it is 'simple physics'. not simple for me, clearly, but simple. it is stuff that will recur. it is worth learning it as best i can. especially if i'm not planning on doing any more of it. i will need to work hard on my moles to mass etc over summer... because that kind of stuff will be required for organic labs. in a noisy environment, too...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20141012/msgs/1072327.html