Posted by ClearSkies on February 10, 2006, at 7:56:11
I think things are starting to settle down finally. It's been a bizarre couple of weeks here in my head. First of all, I've been having (and continue to have) problems with being confused, forgetting what I'm doing and where I'm going. Yesterday I freaked out in the pharmacy because I thought I left my wallet on the counter and when I went back to check, the pharmacist blew me off to ask the "front of the store"; the checkout clerk - of course - had not seen my wallet, and when I asked politely to speak with the manager, to check with him, she paged him. He didn't respond. I asked her to find him so I could speak to him, she went to talk to him, and came back saying, "he hasn't seen your wallet."
At which point the teeth started to clench. "May I speak with him, please? Like I asked to do?" She told me where he was. So I see him, and sure enough, he had not seen my wallet. Now, I was only ever at the pharmacy, not at the main checkout counter, so I did not expect to find my wallet having been magically transported from one of the building to the other in the 2 mintues it took me to realize that I didn't have it in my handbag where it belonged. I couldn't remember when I'd had it last in my hand, and thought that maybe I had taken it out when at the pharmacy counter.
OK, big breath. I said to the manager, "This is really bogus. All I'm trying to do is retrace my steps and ask if I left something behind. I have been sent from one end of the store to the other just to try to speak to someone." I know my face was getting red; the manager just looked bewildered and puzzled. So I stomped off to my car, crying the whole way, open my car door and there the wallet is - between the seat and the door - which is fine. All I had wanted to do was retrace my steps, and had been given a silly runaround.
Then I'm thinking - everyone in that store knows that I'm the crazy woman who gets all sorts of psych meds at that pharmacy. Now they know I'm belligerent too. I started to *wail* in my car, great heaping gulps of sobs. I didn't dare look around to see if I had an audience. I just managed to get the keys in the ignition and drive home.
The not remembering, that's what upset me so. My pdoc has already reduced the dosage of one medication and stopped another to try to see if there is a culprit there.
And so I have been going through xanax withdrawal, as this is the medication I stopped. I had been on a very low dose - .25mg - but had been on it for 2 years. I've been experiencing the zap and tingling of my extremeties, all my joints aching to the point of whimpering in my sleep (waking myself up every night); and having the chills and major sweating. Very very yucko.
At the same time, I've had a sinus infection and been really sick with that. Generally feeling like a road resurfacer has been going back and forth to make certain I'm as flattened as I can possibly be.
I've had visitors staying in my home, my inlaws, and that has been disruptive. WOn't bother going into that story except to say that it was difficult for me as a recovering alcoholic to have a perpetual party going on around me for over a week. No polite escape possible there.
Moan, moan, moan. I'm not done yet. We are going out of town on Sunday and my husband is already asking me if I'm going to be "OK" for the trip. He asks me this every time we go away. So I don't know, I don't KNOW, OK? if I am going to be OK by the time we go away.
I'm also pretty manic at the moment and getting all sorts of grandiose, profound thoughts about the immutable nature of water and our connectedness to the universe. That is something I want to be able to revisit when I'm feeling more grounded, but it's really distracting to be having all these random thoughts bouncing around while this other stuff is going on.
OK, I am done now. Quite a rant, for me. A lot of complaining and frustration, pain and discomfort. As with water (see above), I know that this time will flow past me as a river flows past the pebbles lying in its bed. I'm trying to wait it out, I don't enjoy this, I want to feel better and calm and excited about the trip.
CS
poster:ClearSkies
thread:608252
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060203/msgs/608252.html