Posted by kalyb on June 15, 2003, at 10:55:58
In reply to Re: Why Saturdays? » kalyb, posted by Snoozy on June 7, 2003, at 17:05:35
I decided to take some positive action yesterday to avoid the Saturday Blues I've been getting.
So, I decided to meet an internet friend for a few beers in the nearest city, 15 miles away. I've met him before, we chat almost evry day, and although I know he has a "thing" about me, I am sooo isolated and lonely that - perhaps unfairly - I need to keep him as a friend. I'm not comfortable about doing that, but I really don't have anyone else to go out with at the moment.
The bus journey to the city takes 1-and-a-quarter-hours as the bus meanders through evry little tiny hamlet and village on the way. If I had a car (which I don't) it would take 25 minutes. So I sat on this bus, bored, and what happened... I started crying again.
Thankfully meeting the friend, I felt better and drank too much, but the Effexor means I don't even feel drunk. I know I talked way too much, non-stop almost (=manic??) and today i feel guilty for that but hey, it's my meds doing it.... and sheesh, just spending time out of this blasted place with someone else could probably do that to me without the beer!
And then I caught the last bus home at 10.15, another 1-and-a-quarter-hours of dreary boredom, and again, I cried my eyes out on the way home.
Why do I still miss this ex bf so much, when I need to get better? I'm getting worse. It's not as if I felt I loved him when we were together, but now I do feel I love him. And it occurred to me on the bus that it's 2 months almost to the day since he broke up with me. I thought about sending him an email to ask: Do you ever think of me? because I've had nothing from him at all.
He has a book of mine that I need, he didn't retun it in the box of stuff he brought back after it was over. I am soooo stony broke that I can't really afford to replace this book. It's a book of test questions for the Driving Theory Test, which my driving instructor has been nagging me to get done for yes, two months or more. But the only way I could afford to replace the book would be to miss a driving lesson one week, which I don't want to do. My lessons are one guaranteed hour per week when I get out of this house and do something I enjoy.
I have to go to the city to see my pdoc this Wednesday. I may not be in the right frame of mind, but I am seriously considering showing up at the ex bf's house (he works from home) afterwards, and demanding my book back.
The sun is shining, the weather's glorious, so I have my lovely long elegant summer dresses out of the wardrobe, and I know I look good in them, so I would love to turn up at his house looking gorgeous, even if I end up getting angry at him, or he at me. But the chances are, after my pdoc session, I'll be feeling lost again and mixed up, and I know I probably won't be brave enough to do it....
But at the very least I can tell all this to my pdoc - because this lingering depression should be dissipating by now, meds helping the grief, not keeping it just below the surface ready and waiting to spring into action every Saturday like an emotional iceberg.... *sigh*
Kalyb xx
poster:kalyb
thread:232168
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/234111.html