Posted by 2sense on April 16, 2002, at 9:03:29
In reply to Re: How do i stop being angry?, posted by fiona on April 16, 2002, at 8:23:38
All excellent ideas ... but in my case for instance -- I am a stay at home mom for the last 6+ years (very stressful since all 3 have LD's and AD/HD and a very resistant school district -- attitude "make me" for the littlest of things) + husband with a start up company which isn't doing well -- I'm on 24//7 and have been ill (not little things -- like 6 surgeries, etc.) -- for instance I was hemorrhaging since last May and it peaked this past October with numerous ER trips and after 8 weeks finally they did the right thing and then had a hysterectomy (ovaries in -- no need for surgical menopause with 2 teens and a precocious 6 year old :-)) with complications (and it takes a good 6 months to get over this particular operation) -- add to it the anemia and I wasn't allowed to exercise -- then had a heart electrical problem mid-Feb and so no driving (that is tough -- if I walk it can be like 1/2 a mile with cell phone in hand with husband on the line due to the type of heart problem -- seeing doc today FINALLY -- you know empty restaurants versus those one needs to wait for weeks for a reservation) then there is more but -- my point is sometimes one isn't able to do the physical exertion to let out that energy -- I have had to harness it by writing (I keep journals) and such. It is still difficult depending upon your support system too. Just my 2sense. If I had my druthers, I'd be working out -- it always worked for me all the years in the past -- and I had plenty of pent up anger believe me, and it was pretty much justified -- BUT justified or not -- the medical establishment advocates forgiving slights large and small WHY -- the offended let's go of the anger and/or bitterness theoretically emotionally therefore one's stress hormones are not in overdrive. The "problem" with this, is that this, at least for me, is something one is/should be taught as a child (at least by example, i.e., how to cope with anger, stressful situations, etc. --> I grew up with a workaholic third generation Sicilian genius born again dad who had time for everyone but his family until disaster struck -- then he "surfaced for air" and was a classic rageaholic (which he told us was righteous anger ... it wasn't until I started studying the bible (within the last 6 1/2 years seriously given something that happened to really alter my life forever) that I realized a lot. My mom was just so overwhelmed and had no support system and my dad was one of those "submit" guys who took it totally out of context (at 11 I gave him a wooden heart that had carved in it the companion verse to the submission thing (the verse before) -- it still hangs above his dresser to this day. I do not know if he gets it because my mother is an enabler (truly she doesn’t understand that if a husband treats his wife the way Christ treated the church he would NEVER ask her to submit to anything that she wouldn’t want to) – she is from the old school (and grew up in her own dysfunction) and believe ALL women should stay at home and raise their children, listen to their husbands without question and get their whites white (I mastered that last one according to her). The problem with that thinking is obvious, for me it manifested itself in attempting for years to push my “square-ness’ into the ‘round-hole’ assigned to me (drilled into me) by my mother; hence the therapy for me for years. Glad to say that I have come a long way, am attempting to be the generation to turn things around (because my husband’s family isn’t/didn’t do much better – no religion but complete denial and w/drawal and if they couldn’t achieve that fight, fight, fight. The concept of resolution of an issue, compromising, negotiating is so foreign for both of us. Now I want it more than anything because there is a direct connect between STRESS and mental and/or physical health; that being said, “you cannot teeter totter alone”. One more quick thing on the concept of “submission” – that is what it is a concept. We all, sometimes everyday of our lives and more than once, have to make the decision to put someone else’s welfare before our own desires, needs, whatever – that is submitting for the correct reason. If one doesn’t learn this (and becoming a mother (it should come naturally once married, then when one has children if that is the route it goes) is a great example of how one learns fast that one has to choose often times (not always) the needs of one’s child over the desire of oneself. I do NOT mean to imply that you give up yourself whether it is in a relationship, as a parent, etc. It is a matter of choosing given all of the variables involved. I talk a good talk perhaps, but I still have mastered it – but I am not giving up … it is not like I do not have a lot of opportunity to practice at doing this. A good support system though, I have found (and been without most of my life for one reason or another) is a big, big key – at least that is what I have found for myself and others, who are close to me. This BOARD is a support system and I can see that some of the medical things that have come down on me in the last 2 weeks I would have emotionally handled differently had I not had you guys.
One last point – my dear hubby has an anger problem – my 6 year old (and when she was younger) got annoyed, confused, hurt, etc. especially when I let his “episodes” get to me. I explained to her the concept of MANAGEMENT (I live by analogies – I did it when I taught college and still find them invaluable no matter what I am trying to communicate or to whom). She was 5 at the time and daddy had had a ‘rageaholic’ episode, well we (my little one and I) talked about managing money (if I gave her $1 and we went to the dollar store how she could find something for a dollar but if she saw something for two then she would have to wait and manage her $$ -- she could barter and manage her time with me (i.e., do a chore to earn the other dollar – earn it first – no deficit spending in this household J) – we then talked about managing time (what if mommy over committed her time to x,y,z and didn’t have time to spend with her) then we moved to managing emotions (someone slights her at pre-k what options did she have: punch the kid in the arm, say something mean, ask mom to take her home and cry and/or talk about it in the car, go home and draw a picture of this offender perhaps losing their favorite toy ß doesn’t sound “healthy” but it allowed her to understand anger can be managed without hurting someone else AND she can work it through. I also have explained to her and her brother and sister – don’t stand in front of the same truck more than once (“fool me once shame on you, fool me again shame on me…”). This is easier when the person doing the offending (generating the anger) is a friend for instance rather than a significant other/spouse, child, etc.
Again … Just my 2sense (Sue)
poster:2sense
thread:21893
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020411/msgs/22185.html