Posted by Shar on February 27, 2002, at 1:07:51
In reply to Re: disturbing card..Shar, posted by sar on February 25, 2002, at 19:43:09
Sar, in part of your response you wrote:
"it's difficult to break the whole thing off."
I could not agree more. Nor do I think it is necessary to break the whole thing off. I truly believe it is possible to reach an understanding that we will not get love from [parents] and we can still have some sort of limited relationship with them. Of course, if they badly abused you, even that may be out of the question.
If you do want a limited relationship with them (one in which you don't expect them to express their love to you in a meaningful way) you can work on achieving that. I don't believe it is necessary (or useful) to throw the baby out with the bathwater (think in either/or terms).
I hope you are doing well, and that you had a very nice birthday!
Shar
> IMHO, the question you could be asking yourself is "do I want a close relationship with people who treat me this way?" If the answer is no, it may be easier to find your way out of the tangled web.
>
> Hi Shar!
>
> how are you?
>
> my feelings on this are mixed....when i was doing some psychology research last year i came a term that defined my relationship with my parents fully: "double binds." they are, in a way, really lovely people...my mom (of all things) is one of the most popular teachers at her school, and my dad is quite an insightful writer. they both have violent streaks though, and believe, i guess, that because they were abused i should be too. (they're not the "break the cycle" type...) it's difficult to break the whole thing off because they provided me with so much intellectual encouragement, privacy, and were always ready to indulge whatever my new diet/fashion whims of the day were, when they dressed so inexpensively themselves. they allowed me to be v. frivolous, and with love.
>
> the flipside of the coin is Abuse.
>
> the next card was a birthday one (my birthday is just a few days after Valentine's Day), full of more professions of love, but i wonder why i see it only in my mom's curly round teacher handwriting instead of through her lips or in her eyes? i know her love only through handwriting.
>
> i threw the card away.
>
> anyway, thanks, Shar, and i hope you are well. it's always difficult to decide what to do in these relationships...
>
> love,
> sar
poster:Shar
thread:18371
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020223/msgs/18961.html