Posted by wendy b. on January 29, 2002, at 9:27:11
In reply to Re: PMS vs. PMDD vs. Bipolar, posted by Joe J on January 28, 2002, at 1:09:43
Dear Joe,
I'm so sorry this has been happening to you, and for such a long time, too. I have no concrete answers, or maybe, no true "solution" to your problem.
I do know that YOU are not responsible for her behavior. No matter how many times, and how violently she berates and blames you, you are OK. And she is not. She has to somehow see that her actions and her behavior are her OWN responsibility, not yours. She cannot keep blaming you for the things she 'perceives' you are doing to ruin her life. She cannot keep threatening you with divorce. This is abuse, plain and simple, even though she is saying you are the abuser.
I think going to a crisis center for women might be good, at least give you some ideas on how to protect yourself. Part of what they will tell you (I've been to one!) is that walking around on pins and needles is not good for you. The power and control she has over you is also something you contribute to. You have to break the cycle, because you deserve much more than this...
The PMS vs PMDD vs bipolar issues are difficult to sort out. I think the general lowdown on PMS vs PMDD, first of all, is that PMS is an older way of saying the woman has cramps, pain and irritability around the time of her period. It's not exactly a syndrome, like PMDD, which sounds about right for your wife.
Women are such strange creatures! and I say that with humour and a little ironic grin... The female hormones cause a whole array of symptoms, including that horrible anger and irritability. I know because I suffered from it for a long while, until I bought myself a little book on PERI- (not PRE)- menopause, and found out, for example, that between the ages of 35 and 50 (15 yrs, a LONG stretch of time), a woman's hormones are adjusting themselves, and readjusting themselves, and there is a lot of fallout from that. Some months, there is no production of an egg, because of hormone fluctuations, and there is emotional fallout when peiods are missed, or you can't count on when you're going to bleed next. Anger and irritability, heavy bleeding, ovarian cysts, cervical dysplasia (sp?), endometriosis, the list goes on.
The good things I found out from the book are that you CAN medically manage at least some of the symptoms with medication, therapy, etc. In other words, there are treatments. The symptoms have to be recognized by the patient, though, the hang-up in your wife's case. For my anger/irritability, and budding depression, I went to my OB/GYN, and he had some real answers, not the magic bullet, but there was help to be had. I went on hormone therapy (oral contraceptives), and later sertraline (Zoloft), and the symptoms were relieved. The secondary benefit from the pill was that my very heavy bleeding stopped. The pill overrides the hormones that mimic the cycle. That may not work for everyone, and lots of people don't want to take hormones. That is their choice, but the pill is so different from what it used to be, the hormones are very low-dose. See Susan's post above for more natural alternatives than mine...
When I went on Zoloft, it was a few months after I started the pill. I realized I was still depressed, and had been anxious since childhood. The OB/GYN suggested the anti-depressant. It worked for me for many years. Eventually, however, I was properly diagnosed with bipolar illness, heavy on the depressive end (rather than the manic), though I do have periods of hypomania, which begins with not getting enough sleep, and then getting all the other associated symptoms. Anyway, my point here is that I was not yet so far gone that I couldn't SEE there was something wrong with my behavior, and I wanted to do everything I could to fix my problems and change for the better. Therapy for the last 10 yrs is also a great help to me.
Getting back to your wife: she may very well have bipolar illness. When she flies into rages and screams at you, the symptoms sound very much like mania or at least hypomania. Her brain by now is hard-wired to react this way every month. It sounds like there may be a very big hormonal component, and that she rapid-cycles during that 10-day period. But what I'm saying is that it's not an either/or situation. She may have both PMDD and BP (I or II) at the same time. Not an unlikely scenario at all...
What to do: I like the suggestion of taping her. When I first read your post, I thought to videotape her going off would be good, but now I see that would inflame her too much. A tape recording would be a good way of you "proving" to others that she is doing what you say she is, behaving like a monster for at least a third of the month. I suggest you take it to your family doctor or GP, if you have one. If not, get a good general practioner. Explain to him/her your situation. Print out your posts from this Board and give them to the dr. Ask what you can do. Maybe you can both meet with the dr, with the explanation that there is something wrong with YOU, and that you need her to be at the appointment. Then you can try again to confront her with her behavior, and tell her that it is making you miserable and that it has to stop, i.e., she has to go to a good p-doc who can diagnose her and give her medical options.
I know some or most of these suggestions may not work at all. The biggest problem will be getting her to a dr's appointment with you.
Your own mental health must be considered. You want to stick by your wife, I understand. But at what cost to you? You are still there and supportive, but it takes two to make a relationship, and she is not there for you. You have needs and desires too. How are they getting satisfied? Where are your pleasures coming from, or do you have any at all at this point? Are there children? What is happening to them when your wife goes over the edge?
The last thing I would suggest is going to a lawyer. She may, someday, make good on her threats, but if you see an attorney first (half-hour initial consultations are usually free), and know your rights, you will have control of the situation. Mental control, so you don't feel at her mercy in this matter, as well as the others. I'm not saying this to be cruel - I know you love her... And I don't think any attorney in their right mind would listen to or take seriously the rantings of someone like your wife when she is in high gear...
Take any or all or some of the advice here. Sorry to have gone on and on... Your situation sounds so bad, and again, I really feel for you. Please write back and let us know how you feel, what's been happening, etc.
with concern,
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:17355
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020125/msgs/17442.html