Posted by alexandra_k on September 20, 2006, at 20:23:27
In reply to Blame » alexandra_k, posted by daisym on September 20, 2006, at 19:40:01
((((Daisy))))
It is a hard thing :-(
I mean a really very hard thing indeed.> That's a hard question because there is no real point here at all - I can't make him say he is sorry, or hold him accountable for screwing up so many things in my life.
And even if he did say sorry it wouldn't undo anything. Even if he was held accountable it wouldn't undo anything.
> I can try to help myself see that the future can be differentYou aren't to blame. I hope you come to really see that. Not just intellectually, I really hope that you really come to see that.
> So I need to "blame" the right person, because so far I blame myself.
Maybe... Nobody is to blame. Maybe blame is besides the point in the sense that nobody is to blame. Maybe it isn't about putting the blame where it is due so much as it is about lifting the blame all around.
> I need a different word - not blame, not fault, what? HIS sin, not mine?
So somebody needs to take the blame?
Why can't the notion of blame, sin, whatever... Just be lifted? I guess it is hard when our hurts result from the actions of another. The ancients used to rail at volcanos and the like for erupting and causing devistation. I think people are more like volcanos mostly... What he did... Hurt you very much indeed :-( But I don't really understand what the notion of blame is doing except for resulting in you having contradictory feelings about loving and hating your Father. Seems to me that you can love him while still maintaining that his behaviour was very destructive for you at times, however.> But you are right. Blame is irrelevent in some ways, as is forgiveness. I believe that a higher power than I is the only place that forgiveness can really be given.
Maybe... Forgiveness is besides the point too. What is forgiveness anyway? If blame is lifted (from everyone) then what need to forgive? What could forgiveness mean?
> My therapist and I talked today about worthiness. Underneath everything, I feel worthless, not worthy of someone's caring, time or attention.And that was a consequence of what happened. That it left you feeling like that :-(
But of course that doesn't mean that was what your Father *intended* to happen.
That doesn't mean he thought that was *likely* to happen.
Maybe... He loved you the best way he knew how. Which is sad for him that he couldn't express care in a way that was more likely to leave you feeling cared about. Which is horrible for you in that you are left feeling like you are defective and incapable of being cared about.
Or maybe... He was so caught up in his own needs that he didn't see yours. Which can be hard... I am self absorbed at times :-( I understand that one too :-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:686272
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/687740.html