Posted by Kalamatianos on December 11, 2003, at 3:50:54
In reply to Why do I deserve the best?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 10, 2003, at 13:14:17
>>>Has anyone been through this and come out of the other side?
I can't answer your posting subject about why YOU don't deserve it. I can speak for myself in hopes you can gain insight.
After 15 years and a 1000 or so of 12 step meetings for my flavors of dysfunction (cheesecake and codependency), I have heard about 5000 different personal stories, and some stories I have heard over and over. There is much talk of self-esteem in every way you can imagine. What made more sense to me is the occasional success story that included bypassing self-esteem and tackling self-respect instead.
I didn't fully grasp what they were talking about until recently. I learned that when I confuse obligations with respect, I can't get it. When I replaced my fear of the unknown, with respect for the dangers of the unknown, respect took on a new nature for me. I started seeing that I was confusing obligation to authority as having respect for authority. Now I get into a lot less trouble. I really respect authority. I think it through before acting stupid.
I would look at myself in the mirror and still feel confused about self respect. Now I see that any smidgen of disrespect I show to authority or anybody for that matter, reflects back to me as my lack of self respect. I have noticed people responding to me as if I show plenty of self esteem. Because of this, I continue to learn about and work on my self-respect. Other-respect seems to be taking care of itself.
More evidence of lacking self-respect was my "potty-mouth" way I talked all the time. I can't respect myself if I go out in public cussing like a Hell's Angel. The other people out in public don't want to hear it. And, I'm not respecting them by talking that way.
Finally is love. If I don't deserve love, I am confusing love and approval. If I feel like I don't deserve someone's love, my gut is saying to me internally that I don't deserve their approval. Somewhere between my gut and my brain, the word approval is turned into the word love. So that's what I might testify to, but all the time I'm confused.
I catch myself doing these things. .....not so much any more, though.
poster:Kalamatianos
thread:288418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031202/msgs/288686.html