Posted by desolationrower on March 15, 2009, at 0:44:50
In reply to Re: Addicted to Dopamine » desolationrower, posted by garnet71 on March 12, 2009, at 18:53:40
> D/R-you are a such a sweetie :)) I'm in the mood to figure this all out, so I hope you don't mind if I post more stuff. If you don't answer that's ok...i really miss having a therapist..but especially need to figure this out..it's the right time. I think my treatment depends upon a correct diagnosis-and I really never get a straight one-usually GAD or depression NOS.
well, i think its good to keep thinking about it, but keep in mind there may not really be a 'right' answer. you just have the unique problems of garnet. the DSM categories heterogenous and kind of made up anyway. I think not looking at specific symptoms hold back usefulness of drug research. although i sort of have it guessed out in my head what all my symptoms/personality map to as far as neurotransmitters/circuits etc. maybe you could do taht too, though it could be a big waste of time.
> "maybe hyperthymic personality, with some drops into depression, and the anxiety/attention problems at the same time?"
>
> That was interesting since I've never heard about this. I did find where someone posted 3 articles about hyperthymic: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=4416
>
> I can see some of that in me for sure. But it still doesn't fit--just like everything else doesn't fit. Esp. because when I was growing up, I was very shy, pleasant, and quiet (according to mom), started school when I was 4...Dad was very abusive and childhood was miserable, but I was a little adult-no one had to pay any attention to me or take care of me. I even started working when I was 10 and paid for all my own clothes after that. I don't think mom wanted anything \to do with being a mom.
>
> My dad really tormented me out of all 3 of us and I never understood why but just that my mom watched and did nothing but when he left would say "i don't know why he picks on you all the time", meaning more than my bro and sis. People who are mean always seem to want to break me down for some reason. It's happened a few times here and there. It's like they are angry they don't upset me or break my spirit. I'd encountered a few bosses and coworkers who were so jealous of me even though I was very nice to them, and always went out of my way to help them and train them, and a good worker. So i do get to some people somehow but I'm talking about mean jealous people.well if you want to hear from the therapist: sounds like you try to understand other people's actions as being caused by you. but other people have their whole own world of reasons and thinking, and to the extent you affect it, it isn't YOU, its their poor understand of you. trying to understand the reason evertying happens will give you crazy anxiety.
> But when I turned 12, I started hanging out w/my bipolor sis and her friends and ditched my geeky friends and hung out with older guys. We jumped out of the bedroom window onto pine trees to sneak out many nights because Dad wouldn't let us do anything, have friends over or go anywhere. We snuck the car out-put it in neutral and pushed it down the hill and started it up while coasting down the hill..lol. It's not her fault; it just signified a change in me. So I don't know if I became sort of a thrill seeker then, but I was still the quiet and shy one among any group I was with and my friends all liked drugs, not me too much, but I drank..I do think I have alchoholic tendancies..Sis and I became juvenielle delinquents. Then I turned 16, got pregnant and kicked out of the house. All of the sudden I became a type A person and worked full time, got myself an associates degree, became a new mom, took care of son's fathers kids all before 18, and was goal-driven ever since. Ditched all the drug using or dysfunctional friends for the most part, but kept some phone relationships but I'd end up trying to help them straighten their lives out and gave up. I actually had no one aobut this time, until I started befriending older moms in the neighborhood a few years later.
>
> so if I went from quiet/shy, to Type A/highly confident, now to low self esteem and somewhat dysthmic, I wonder if it fits the bipolar type II or the hyperthymic--or it could be partyl the stress response like what Scott posted about above. I went back and reread it. The chronic stress in relation to the anxiety issues.
>
> But the thing is, my current state didn't happen until narcissist guy, just like the change with pregnancy and total freedom and independence was the milestone from quiet/shy to type A. So I'm leaning towards this: It could be that I just ignored all my childhood issues by being goal driven and busy all the time, sort of like a workaholic, then relationship with N guy unearthed all the childhood abuse issues I never dealt with, so I got depression and PTSD, which was my first diagnosis.
>
> Anyway, the Buspirone is controlling the anxiety, but so did SSRIs but they took away any pleasure and motivation...soon as I quit Zoloft, I felt much better moodwise..the Ritalin helps but only 50% and the .25 Xanax at night does help me sleep. I got 15 pills of the Wellbutrin script filld today for $40. If the Wellbutrin doesn't work, I'm going to try the SJW, but also maybe just pick 2 amino acids from that list I posted, along with a couple of the vitamins you suggested. I'm pretty up on nutrition as far as food, and with all the fruits and vegaetables nuts and seeds and proteins, don't think I need too many vitamins. Am taking the D script, need to get the K. I do think the melatonin is something i need to check into. Last I took it though, I started getting racing thoughts coincided with panic-this was a whole new symptom for me just a few weeks ago before I started meds again. That scared me a way from the melatonin.well, don't use something if it doesn't work for you.
> As far as being angry, I think part of the problem is that I didn't get angry for so many years. Just sort of ignored it which is very unhealthy. I do get irritated-do you mean like being annoyed that so many people have those Sunoco bumper stickers on their cars? I hate that. I do get irritated now, with people I guess. Ritalin helps with impuslivity but really no anger issues. Impulisivty has been a long-tem problem--I used to make a lot of decisions w/o thinking anythign through, way too spontaneous, but I'm more cautious now and plan things before decisions are made. I think I have developed major self-esteem problems since N guy too and feel sometimes I'm a victim of myself-that the depression and anxiety is actually causing self-esteem issues rather than the other way around.
hm. yeah, it doesn't sound too much like adhd is the main problem. actually you sound pretty resiliant, maybe its a good idea to just work your way back to normal without too much drug work.
> I have been working fish oil and flax oil into my diet, but am uncomfortable with self-medicating with herbs and supplments for the most part, especially kava. I have no confidence in treating myself. I wonder about the catchemones are whatever they are called, that Alexander posted about before. I guess that's the question I would ask you.
well...you'll have to actually ask a question then, not just tell your entertaining stories :)
> > i might ahve said something about blame, personal responsibility/mental illness, narcicists, in/extroversion, but thinking about serious topics makes me want to write long nuanced meanderings
> >
> > -d/r
>
> I'd certainly listen to your views on that too!heh, but then i'd have to think too much. but i have trouble avoiding these things altogether. alright, i guess the thing i think is important to keep in mind is that our actions are most just about us. we react to other people, but we are mostly communicating who we are, what we believe, what we think was an offense against us, what we will retaliate against if done again, what we like in others, etc. probably especially important wrt narcicists: they have their own world they have made, and really don't give a sh*t what anyone else really thinks. Ok, also, having multiple emotions towards people, like sympathy because of waht one is going through, and dislike for sh*tty thigns someone does. really, most people who are pricks have also had it rough. its easy to be generous and caring and everything when you're always got good luck. we hold others responsible not because they have some ultimate free will, but because holding them responsible empowers them and is required if we respect them as people (the sort of basic respect anyone deserves). i guess this all come from my general personality. i'm quite cynical, but cheerful. we're all both good and evil, often they are the same thing. bad things happen because humans have human nature, and institutions work based on that, and instiutions as least can be changed. i see systematic causes for most things; fundamental attribution error is really important - but i think the good and beautiful are things we create by observing and acting and appreciating. so i don't really get angry, ever. maybe if i knew what sunoco stickers meant, i would get angry about that. i guess i also end up thinking of otehr people as out of my control, i should focus on what actions i can change to get what i want. my therapist has said i should just expect others to do more of the work. see, wtf was the thesis of this?
> I guess that's it for my attempt at self diagnosis and treatment. It's apparent I've had 3 personalities in my lifetime, and major shifts conincided with environmental changes. Can't wait for the 4th one to emerge.
>
>-d/r
poster:desolationrower
thread:884984
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/neuro/20090129/msgs/885411.html